Mission: Gidgelet

"The Big Break" - Month 1

2011-05-23T10:03:00.000-07:00

The first month of us taking a break resulted in what we expected - NOTHING. Even though I'm kinda happy about it because now I'll be able to ride the rides @ Disney and drink @ my former roommate's wedding, the day that AF shows up is always a sad one.

I just had something I needed to spew out, and I don't want to spew it to too many IRL people, because.....well, just because.

We were at our friends' house last night for a cookout. They're much older than we are (as are most of our friends), and their 20 year old daughter had a friend over. My friend M starts telling me the story of this girl. She turned 19 yesterday. She showed up at their house - a friend of hers dropped her off, she has no car - and she had a big satchel and M said that she'll most likely be staying at their place for a while because she has been kicked out of her parents' house and just migrates from place to place. I'm not sure what she does for work or anything.....but they went down to our friends' hot tub and got in, and my friend's husband, D, says, "Should she really be in that hot tub since she's pregnant?" Oh yes, of course she is. The 19 year old homeless girl is pregnant. Fantastic.

My stomach dropped. My mouth hit the floor. Apparently this is the second time she's been pregnant, this is with a different guy than the first, she had a MC with the first one, but she's 14 weeks along now. And the guy isn't around. And she's basically homeless. I guess M's daughter mentioned the idea of adoption to this girl because she said that she didn't know how she thought she was going to take care of a baby living the way she does. I guess this girl got really upset and the subject was dropped. M then says to me, "Yeah, when my daughter said that, I immediately thought of you and Grouper. That would be perfect. "

Well, I think it'd be less than perfect, but the wheels nonetheless started turning in my head. This baby will be here between Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. We already have a room ready. We wouldn't have to go through the complete adoption process, we'd just have to hire a lawyer to iron everything out. I mentioned it to Grouper once we got home last night. His response was, "Absolutely not. I can see it now, she'll show up on our doorstep every few months and want to see the kid. No way. We know who she is. She'd know where we lived. She'd have a connection to us. It would never work."

And I guess it probably wouldn't. But, man........sigh.

I don't think I'll ever understand why things happen the way they do.

It's really hard to quit cold turkey.

2011-04-28T08:58:00.000-07:00

So I know I'm supposed to be on a sabbatical of sorts. And I am. It's true. I called the RE and told them that we're taking the summer off to prove (mostly to myself) that I mean business.

My thermometer has been in the drawer for almost two weeks.

My skin is slowly but surely seeming to clear up a bit because I'm not on those ghastly hormones.

Grouper and I are doing what we want when we want - take that however you see fit. ;)

And it's fantastic, really it is. I don't think about TTC or infertility as much as I have been.

BUT.

I have a pregnant sister in law. I have a ton of pregnant friends, some of who I'm trying to knit for at the moment. I see babies and pregos EVERYWHERE, seriously. Almost all of the IF blogs I follow are no longer IF blogs, but are now pregnancy or new mommy blogs. Facebook, as per usual, is chocked full of pictures of bellies and babies and ultrasounds and announcements of babies to come.

And then it's impossible to ignore. The worst time for me (as it's always been) is when I'm laying in bed, trying to sleep. I start thinking about how happy we are and that's the truth, but I can't deny the fact that I feel a sense of emptiness that most likely won't be filled until we're parents. And then that makes me feel like a huge pretender. Like I'm denying the truth.

I was reading my book last night (The Weird Sisters, I like it so far) and I came across a quote that caught my eye.

"What do you do if you keep losing the game? You take your marbles and go home."

I guess that's what I've done, but the bottom line is, I still want to play, just without all the hassle and disappointment. I'm very competitive, and I'm not a quitter. This makes me feel like I'm quitting.

So anyway, I just had to get that off my chest. Back to my regularly scheduled sabbatical and life as a poser.

Let the summer of fun begin!

2011-04-15T12:51:00.000-07:00

I took a pregnancy test this morning since we're going to Canada this weekend and I'll probably be getting my drink on. :) It was, as expected, negative. And as weird as it is, I felt kind of relieved. No more taking my temperature. No more meds. One more followup ultrasound where I'll tell my RE that I'm taking some time off. I am SO excited about this, really. I booked my girls' trip to Disney World/Wizarding World of Harry Potter last night. I cannot wait. And now I'll be able to ride all the rides for sure. :)

So I will probably be a bit scarce around here for a while. Don't worry, though, I'll still be reading about all of your journeys..... :)

Happy Summer, y'all!

Graduation Day

2011-04-12T07:51:00.000-07:00

Grouper graduated from the urologist yesterday. I went with him to the appointment, and he was told that not only was his ultrasound normal, but so was his last semen analysis, and aside from a recommendation for a supplement to take, the urologist said that there's nothing he can do for us and that it's most likely just a matter of time.

This makes no sense to me. I cannot wrap my brain around the fact that we've been taking medications, doing procedures, and timing everything right on top of everything supposedly being "normal" and nothing is happening. I did ask the urologist why there would be such a large discrepancy between his morphology numbers (from less than 1% to 4% in six months) and he said he cannot explain it, but that it's a good thing that the numbers are higher now. He said that he considers 3% to be normal, so that's even better news.

I am not really that hopeful for this cycle. I'm 10DPO and I don't feel any different.I think that we just need a break and to focus on each other for a while. And I really truly am fine with that. We have plans this weekend to go back to Canada to visit some friends, and our summer is becoming more and more jam-packed with plans. It'll be awesome.

Stop this crazy train, I wanna get off!

2011-04-04T07:47:00.000-07:00

So - remember how last post, I was totally zen about the thought of taking a break for the summer and that at the end of the break, we'd probably start talking about adoption a little more seriously?

Well.

The lab tech from the RE's office called today with the full results from Grouper's detailed semen analysis that we did Saturday.

Every.single.thing.came.back.normal.

I am so confused and bewildered right now. The morphology has always been the issue - he had less than 1% on the first one, 1% on his second one (mind you, these were done at an independent lab), and for this one on Saturday, his morphology was 4%, which according to the lab tech, is "normal." Motility was good, count was good, volume was good.

So what the hell, universe?

Why can't we get pregnant? For that matter, why can't we get pregnant on our own?

I am for sure still taking at least a month off, but now, after the break, I'm not sure what to do.

Total mindf**k. AGAIN.

So, my fellow and former IF'ers, what say you about morphology? Has anyone else's spouse had issues and then all of a sudden, they're gone?

Last ditch effort for a while.....

2011-04-02T10:54:00.000-07:00

Today we had our IUI. The sample was great, we had 27.4 million sperm with 89% motility. I have 2 follicles that should be mature by now, even though we didn't do a follow up U/S. They are also going to be doing a more extended analysis on this sample (including the morphology, which they think is our issue) and sending that into the urologist first thing Monday. Grouper had his U/S on Friday and it was just a tech who did it, so he didn't find anything out. When they compile the U/S results and the SA stats, then we'll go in for another consultation with the urologist and he'll tell us whether varicocele surgery is an option or if the morphology just is how it is. At that point, we'll make the decision whether we're going to keep doing IUI or adopt. I just can't see putting my body through IVF. It's just not for me, I don't think. I've had a really hard time being on all of this medication for the past few months. I've gained two bra sizes, I have the worst acne (especially on my back, it's disgusting) that I've ever had in my life, I get headaches, I'm moody.....and to me, I think I can love a child regardless if it's biologically mine or not. We are going through with everything this month - I have a blood draw next Friday and that will determine if I need progesterone support (yet another NASTY thing that I'm not looking forward to at all), and if this month is a bust, we're done for a while. I think we'll take the summer off, at least that's our plan now. We just moved back to a house on a lake with a pool, I want to enjoy that. I have a wedding to be in and I have to wear a strapless dress - if I can stop being so acnified and lose some boobage between now and then, I'll be fine with that. I want to golf. I want to ride on the back of Grouper's Harley. I have a chance to go to Disney World in August - I just don't want to be thinking about fertility treatments in the midst of all that. It's consuming me right now and I'm tired of infertility running our lives. I want to be selfish for a while, and I think that I (well, really we, because Grouper has to deal with my insanity through it all) have a right to that after doing all this stuff. I've come to the realization that our lives are absolutely WONDERFUL with the exception of this one setback, and I want to embrace all that we are so blessed to have and enjoy time with my husband for a while. Then, in the fall, we'll either go back to fertility treatments or start going to some adoption seminars. We may actually do that this month - I've found one in our area, and it won't hurt to do that, just to get some information and educate ourselves. I'm so lucky in that Grouper is totally fine with whatever I decide and I feel like we're really on the same page with everything - I know that's not the case for all couples going through this, so I feel really blessed.

I guess I'm in a good place......well, maybe it's more like, a "whatever happens, happens," place, but for now, that's good enough for me.

Deflated

2011-03-30T06:34:00.000-07:00

I went to the RE today for my monitoring u/s and what was supposed to be my trigger shot. Well, since nothing ever seems to just work out without drama or added hassle and complications, I have two follies, but they're not ripe. Also, because the doc upped my Clo.mid to 150mg, my lining is less than stellar, so I will probably have to be on luteal support drugs this month (which translates to spending even more money and dealing with most likely even more side effects). I am waiting on a call back from them to see what I do next. I am just so done with all of this, I really think that if this month doesn't work, I need to take a break for a little while.

In Grouper news, he went to the urologist on Monday. The doctor thinks that there is a chance that he might have a variocele (sp?) vein - and that could explain the issue with his morphology. He has an ultrasound scheduled for Friday afternoon. If it is not an issue with the vein, the doctor said that chances are that the morphology issue is just an issue he has and there's not much he can do except tell us to do IVF, which I doubt we're going to do.

I'm just done worrying about it. Done thinking about it. Done feeling like shit about it. I HATE this.

Thoughts on a gloomy Monday

2011-03-21T09:25:00.000-07:00

I just got home from my Day 3 monitoring ultrasound.

It was technically scheduled for Day 4 - let me clarify. When my temperature tanked, I knew I was doomed, so I went ahead and called the RE on Friday, setting up the appointment for today.

Friday came and went, no AF, no signs of AF, just the low temp.
Saturday came. Same low temp, but no AF......so of course my curiosity was piqued and I started getting hopeful again.

Then, Saturday night at about 6pm, AF showed up full force and hasn't relented since. So not only was I almost 2 days later than expected, now I'm currently dealing with a really bitchy AF.

Not fun.

I did not get to speak to the RE today, for the first time ever, he was not the one who did my ultrasound, it was a tech. A nurse met with me afterwards and told me what my plan was - she apparently interrupted his consult appointment to find out what he wanted to do. The plan is to up my Clomid again - joy- to 150mg, and I go for my ultrasound and trigger shot on the 30th. I wish I could have talked to him to see where he's going with all this, because I'm pretty convinced that the issue lies more in sperm quality than with the quantity of eggs, but that's just me.

I got the name of a urologist at my last IUI, and Grouper said I could call - after I got another negative, which of course happened. Now I'm kicking myself that I didn't just call right away when I got the name because I'm afraid I'm not going to get in this cycle and we're going to waste even more time.....maybe I need to quit it, but the fact that we're already into the last month of 2011 IF we get a positive test makes me a bit anxious. I just feel like this is taking forever and I want it to be done! But as per usual, there is still no end in sight.

Grouper, on the other hand, is the most laid back person ever, which normally balances me out, but when it comes to the subject of infertility, it just stresses me the hell out because he's so non-chalant about all of it. I had one of my typical meltdowns on Friday night and he is always so calm and barely shows any emotion. I don't know what I expect, that's how he always is, but sometimes it makes me feel like he doesn't care. I told him this, and he said that is NOT the case, which of course I knew, but rather that it is completely out of our control and so he doesn't see the point of getting so stressed out and worked up over something that we can't change.

Work with me, fellow IF'ers....don't comments like that just make you want to smack people upside the head? I don't know, it just rubbed me the wrong way for some reason.

Then there's my much-older best friend with three kids who never had any fertility problems (but did have a miscarriage at one point) who always asks how things are going and tries to be all positive and wants me to tell her how I feel and stuff, and when I do, she says things like, "Well, why don't you just focus on something else for a while? Don't you have to take some classes to keep your teaching license current? Is there any chance of you getting a long term teaching position? There's nothing you can do about it right now, so why don't you just let things happen the way they're going to happen." While she means well, I just want to slap her. I'm sorry, but nothing on the face of the planet could make me "take my mind off" of this. When you get to this point in the process, it's all or nothing. You either have to be going to weekly or bi-weekly appointments, taking medicine, peeing on sticks, getting shots and catheters shot up in you, or doing nothing at all, which is not going to help us achieve our end result. You can't just stop thinking about something that you want this badly that you've been doing everything in your power to get. It doesn't work that way.

I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand, or a maze, or a bunch of vines that keep wrapping themselves around my body and squeezing the life out of me.

The problem remains that I don't know how to get out.

Enough said.

2011-03-18T07:47:00.001-07:00

I am so over this shit.

14 DPO

2011-03-17T07:42:00.000-07:00

This month's in orange. I originally got very excited because my temps are a bit higher than normal, but then I realized that every month I've been medicated (they're all shown here), looks pretty much just like this - two days that are pretty much the same, and then a huge nose dive and AF shows up. When my temp went up yesterday, I wanted to test, but all I had were those little cheapie strips that came with my OPKs....I used one, and of course it was negative. My charts are consistent - consistently negative! This month, though, I've felt a lot different. Two days ago, I had a half-day teaching job, and when I got home at noon, I laid on the couch and didn't move until 5 because I was so exhausted. I slept for a lot of it, too. And that didn't stop me from sleeping 11 hours that night. I've got sore bbs, I've been having weird cramping, and I have a headache today. On Saturday, I was nauseous.....the only other time that happened, I was pregnant, and it only happened once for about 5 minutes, which was exactly how this little episode was. I want to stop thinking about all these things, but I can't.

I guess time will tell tomorrow.........

Food For Thought

2011-03-09T18:00:00.000-08:00

"For in life there is no music, you have no cues. Most things happen in silence. You live your life forward and remember only backward. Nothing is relived, only just remembered and that incompletely. And life isn't simple like a movie story, there is too much to remember. And all that you forget, it's gone as if it has never been. Instead of crying you might as well laugh."- Excerpt from The Gravedigger's Daughter by Joyce Carol Oates

And I almost forgot.....

2011-03-04T09:29:00.000-08:00

There was another one of those creepy coincidences that I sometimes see as a "sign" that happened as I got in my car today to leave the RE's office.

I got in, turned the car on, and the song that was playing on the radio was the song that I posted about on the day the album came out - "Little Miss" by Sugarland. That song has kinda been my anthem ever since.

The most important lyrics of all are these - "It'll be alright again."

I heard them and I smiled.

IUI #2

2011-03-04T08:14:00.000-08:00

I didn't know for sure if we were going to be able to pull this one off today - we woke up to super slick roads and lots of accidents (a friend of mine saw 20 accidents in 2 miles), but we took our time and each made it to the RE's office safely, albeit a bit late. After today's drive in, I could definitely tell I'm on hormones. I normally have a touch of road rage, but it was to the extreme today. I wanted to snap some necks!

Grouper's sample was AWESOME today, the lab tech even said "excellent," which I always like to hear, because if there's one thing they don't do at my RE's office, it's BS us about what's going on. They tell it like it is. His numbers today were 20.8 million post wash with over 90% motility, so that is really promising in comparison to the other two cycles.

I'm feeling really good about things this month. I'm almost tempted to say "at peace," which is weird, because that never truly happens.

Grouper started a new position within his company this past week and his new responsibilities will be taking him to Germany in a couple weeks, and there's a good chance I will be able to go with him. I am hoping so, because if that's the case, most of my 2ww anxiety and energy can be put into thinking about and planning my 4 or so days in Deutschland. That would be AWESOME. And it is the perfect time, because the worst case scenario is that I'd be dealing with AF, and that's nothing new.

Here we go. Time to hurry up and wait again!

IUI #1 this month.....

2011-03-03T08:44:00.000-08:00

9.1 million after wash......84% motility (WAYYYY better than last month). I find those numbers to be promising. I'd like the overall count to be higher, but hey, it only takes one.
The white blood cells were back, but there were less this time and they were able to be removed during the wash. I got the names of two urologists in the area that Grouper can choose from - I want him to go and see what that's all about, and hopefully there's something they can do to improve the quality of the sperm and get rid of those WBCs for good.

IUI #2 is tomorrow morning, same bat time, same bat channel.

I've been triggered.

2011-03-02T06:52:00.000-08:00

I went to the RE today for my monitoring appointment and trigger shot. My endometrium was good, (9.2), I have one follicle on each side, and the one on the left was called "huge and gorgeous" by the RE, and he even showed me the actual egg floating around inside it during the ultrasound. It was awesome! He was very optimistic about this cycle and recommended that we try two back-to-back IUIs again this month. I have one tomorrow and and one Friday, both at 830, which should work out perfect since I'll ovulate at around 9pm tomorrow night. I just love my doctor. We have a good rapport. He's super nice, he likes college basketball and told me I have good taste in teams (a man after my own heart, haha) and today he even gave me the trigger shot himself. It's the little things like that and the fact that he's willing to do the little things that make me feel so certain that we're in the right place right now and that he'll be able to help us to have a baby.

Wish us luck over the next two days.....when I told Grouper about my huge and gorgeous follie, he said, "Ok, now all you need is some huge, gorgeous, and strong sperm. I'll get right on that." Fingers crossed, y'all!

Fears and worries for my future child/children

2011-02-28T08:27:00.000-08:00

There have been so many things in the news and on TV lately that have really gotten the wheels in my head turning about what life will be for my future child or children.

I know it might seem weird, but I think about this stuff a lot. I already love the child that we'll someday have - so much. Ultimately just want my child to be HAPPY and to dream big and achieve everything that he or she will set her mind to.

I saw this show that Lisa Ling did called Our America: Transgender Lives. It focused on children that were born as one sex but in their heads, identify as the opposite sex. I find it so fascinating and I cannot imagine how hard it must be for the transgendered person and for the loved ones who are around to (hopefully) support them on their journeys to figure out who they really are. I was so inspired by how the people on the show transformed themselves and were supported by those around them - but I can't imagine how it must have been for some of those people when they left the comfort of their own home and those around them who understood the situation and had to face "society," which is often cruel and judgmental.

I have seen shows about people who are gay and have no support from their families and many end up depressed, suicidal, and alone. Others are totally accepted. I think I would be able to accept any struggles my child would have and I would support anything, no matter what. Especially since we're going through all of this to become parents. But I worry constantly about my husband (as much as I love him, he's sometimes a bit old-fashioned and close-minded on things) because some of the comments he makes at times aren't as tolerant as they could be. I'm sure that we'll have arguments and will have to compromise and meet in the middle, because the only important thing is that the child we have is healthy, happy, and feels loved and accepted.

I know that situations like the ones I described above are extreme - but there are tons of everyday struggles that parents go through that I'm sure I haven't even thought about yet. Peer pressure, bullying, underage drinking, substance abuse, choosing friends, broken hearts, broken bones.......

I guess that once we're finally past this set of struggles, there will be a whole new set to conquer. I never really thought about that until very recently.

But I CANNOT wait.

It's been awhile

2011-02-24T12:30:00.000-08:00

Hi.

Sorry for the absence, I really just haven't felt like writing, as we're still stuck in the fertility treatment cyclone and there's no sign of when we'll get out.

It just gets hard. I feel so unsure - not really optimistic or pessimistic, just unsure and scared of how long this will take before something positive happens. I just feel like so many of the major life decisions for us have been up in the air for three years. First it was being in Canada and not knowing when we could come home - and we couldn't talk about it to too many people, because it was kinda "on the down low." Then it was me getting my job situation resolved. Then it all went back to trying to get pregnant, and that too is kinda "on the down low," as it is with most people who are doing fertility treatments. It's just hard.

I really had a great 2ww last month - I wasn't too preoccupied with what would happen, I had lots ot things to keep my mind off of it, and I was feeling great. Then AF was a day late and of course my temps screwed with my head, and when AF finally did come, I was so angry. So, so, SO angry. Why can't it just work out for us once? I am past wanting more than one child. I just want one of our own, if that's possible. I won't do this again once it works out for us, we'll adopt if we decide we want more than one child. I find this stressful enough as it is with just the two of us - I feel like it takes my focus away from Grouper when it shouldn't, and I can't imagine going through treatment with a child already here to take care of and spend quality time with, too. In my opinion, it wouldn't be fair to my child. Oops, I got off on a tangent there. What I started to say was that I was so angry. Angrier than I've ever been. I didn't want to cry, I wanted to scream, cuss, punch someone.....but the problem is, there really isn't anyone to direct the anger towards, you know? It's nothing I did wrong. It's nothing the doctor did wrong. It's nothing Grouper did wrong. So I feel like I have all this anger just floating around. I am trying hard hard HARD not to be angry at God. So many people have told me to keep the faith, and I'm trying my best, but when I hear stories like I heard this week - my sister's former roommate is 15 weeks pregnant, she has ovarian issues -cysts or PCOS or both - and she was on the pill. She is now planning a shotgun wedding to her boyfriend, who she was contemplating breaking up with not too long ago. Her baby is perfectly healthy. Now 'm not saying I wish her ill will at all...I don't. She's so sweet and nice and she'll be a wonderful mom, and if she got pregnant in that way, then this child is obviously meant to be. But in the back of my sick and twisted infertile little mind, I can't help but say, "Really, God? REALLY?!?!? What did we do to deserve this?"

I know I need to just let it go and trust that things will work out. It easy to say that when you're not in the midst of it. It's easy to say it in retrospect. It's easy to say it if you're someone on the outside seeing how much this is tearing me up. But it's not easy for me to do. It's just not.

So, on we go. I'm on day 4 of Clo.mid (100mg), my monitoring ultrasound and trigger shot are next Wednesday, IUI is Thursday.

I beat the storm!

2011-02-01T10:53:00.000-08:00

I made it to the doctor's office this morning and the IUI went just fine. The office was a bit busy because they're planning to be shut down tomorrow, so everyone was in today getting things done. Apparently no one is due to ovulate tomorrow, so that's a good thing - I'd be so mad if I was supposed to have a procedure done and I wasn't able to make it in! I don't have to worry, though. We're only doing one IUI this month.

The white blood cells that appeared in both of Grouper's samples last month were nowhere to be found this morning. I guess the antibiotic helped! After the wash, the sample had 14.7 million sperm and 49% motility. The nurse who did the IUI (who I love, by the way) seemed very optimistic about the count and about the fact that the WBCs are gone, and she didn't think the motility was great, but it wasn't a huge concern to her, either. I was expecting the IUI to be a lot more painful than it was. It really wasn't painful at all, to be honest. I'm a little bit crampy every once in a while now, but nothing terrible. Now it's just back to waiting. I hope that it works this month, but if it doesn't, I'm ok with trying this again next month without reservations. It's so reassuring that the WBC problem cleared up. The nurse mentioned that she still is a bit concerned about Grouper's initial SA result that showed less than 1% strict morphology, but I reminded her that we were able to get pregnant on our own, and she said that doesn't normally happen to people with that morphology level, and also she said that because the first two SAs were done at a different facility, the results may not have been interpreted exactly the way that my RE's home lab would have interpreted them. Oh well, they're just numbers. I'm honestly feeling a lot more optimistic that IUI will work for us eventually.

I'll keep you posted! Fingers crossed and prayers, please!!

Cycle 2, here we go!!

2011-01-31T12:30:00.000-08:00

I've been a bit MIA, no real reason, just didn't feel like blogging.

There have been 5 pregnancy announcements amongst my real-life acquaintances since I last blogged.

I also encountered a mother-to-be (probably around 7-8 months along) smoking a cigarette outside of her place of employment (not to be rude, but it was a gas station, so go figure). If there would not have been someone behind me in line, I think I would have ripped her a new one, but I was afraid that if I opened my mouth, I wouldn't stop. And really, what she chooses to do and how she chooses to abuse her unborn child is her own business. I just wish that selfish people like that would think about how much others would KILL to be in their shoes and that they would realize that children are PRECIOUS. But they don't, so I don't know why I get myself all worked up about it.

I was on 100mg of Clomid this cycle, and I could definitely tell the difference between that and the 50mg. I had hot flashes, headaches, and just felt yucky overall. It was worth it, though, because at my monitoring ultrasound this morning, I had a 19mm follie on the right and a 21mm follie on the left. My lining was about 7mm, but he showed me the "three lines" on the screen that shows that it's still nice and fluffy, albeit thinner than last time. I got my trigger shot, and we're ready to rock!

Grouper's been taking his antibiotics faithfully, and tomorrow morning we're doing the full IUI, regardless of if there are an abnormal number of white blood cells (they'll just put me on an antibiotic if there's an issue). I'm a bit nervous that it's going to be a lot more uncomfortable than the high cervical insemination, but I think I can handle it.

I'm hoping that Sloper's successful IUI is a sign that mine will be, too.....it definitely gives me hope!

Bust.

2011-01-19T15:32:00.000-08:00

It didn't work.

And the worst part of it is, I got results from the nurse on Grouper's cultures for the "infection" he supposedly had. There, of course, was no infection, so we did the half-assed procedure FOR.NO.REASON.

That just makes me wonder, what if?

I have been a mess for the past couple days. Even though I thought I didn't have high hopes, it's hard not to when the hcg and Clomid cause symptoms that I never had, even in the short time I was pregnant.

I couldn't help but get my hopes up, and so I was wayyy devastated when my temperature tanked.

I really don't know how long I can emotionally go through this. It's just so exhausting.

I'm calling the doctor first thing tomorrow to get Cycle #2 started.

Yippee.

8dpiui

2011-01-12T10:40:00.000-08:00

It's been 8 days now. I'm not sure how I feel, really. I think that the hcg has definitely caused some symptoms for me, because I've been tired, had headaches, and I have the sorest nips in the world! That's never happened before, but I'm not too hopeful about it, because it's still too early to tell, in my opinion. I want to get my hopes up so badly, but I know that if I do, it'll just be harder if we get another BFN.

I've been writing in my little IF journal a lot, and I've been knitting a lot (mostly for my girl Tarah, whose due date is quickly approaching!), and I had my massage on Monday, so that was nice. I have also been having some girl time with friends, which has been great, although one of my friends basically told me the other day that she thought I needed to find something else to occupy my time because I sit around and think too much. As much as I don't want to admit it, I think she's right. The day after that, my substitute teaching paperwork finally came through, and I have my first assignment tomorrow, so that's exciting. I am nervous, though! It's been over three years since I've been in a classroom, and I'm a bit intimidated. It'll be fine, I hear it's just like riding a bike, but right now there's definitely some anxiety!

The other day, I found someone I know IRL who has gone through IF and is now deciding to adopt. Even though this is premature, I decided to reach out to her and let her know that I understand how difficult infertility is and that I'm so happy that she and her husband are finally going to be parents. I also asked her what processes they've gone through in order to make the adoption happen, just in case it gets to that point for us. Grouper thinks that I'm jumping the gun, but I like to know exactly what I'm getting into before it happens. I want to be prepared for every scenario.

Based on that discussion, we had another big discussion. We were saying how crazy it is that the amount of money we've spent on this "basic" cycle is so much more than we were initially told, and how much more expensive IVF will be, and whether it's really worth it if it doesn't work. So I asked him about adoption and what he thought. He said that it's a lot of paperwork and there will be a lot of stuff to do and it'll be very stressful.....and then he said, "We have a good life, we're happy...would it really be the end of the world if we never have kids?" I was floored. The more we talked about it, the more I figured out that he only said that because he doesn't want to put any more pressure on me than there already is, it's not because he doesn't want children - he wants them just as badly as I do, maybe even more so. We came to the conclusion that we're going to do IUI for at least one or two cycles after this (you know, since we didn't do the full procedure this month), and then we'll have some serious soul searching to do.

I guess, that once again, the only thing we can do is wait. Man, that gets old.

Day 2

2011-01-05T09:17:00.000-08:00

We repeated the procedure this morning. That was the original plan, even before there was a risk of infection. I apparently ovulated at around 12AM today, so yesterday was to try to get to the sperm there before ovulation, today was to try to squeak some more in there before it's too late. Even though the preliminary culture results came back today showing no signs of infection, the culture has to "grow" for a whole week, so they could not risk doing a full IUI in case there still could be an infection. I got to look at the sample under the microscope again, and there were not near as many white blood cells in it today and those little swimmers were swimming away! The nurse asked me if Grouper ate his Wheaties this morning, because todays numbers were off the charts in comparison to yesterday - 29.2 million sperm AFTER the wash (yesterday's was only 6.1). I think that the myth that abstinence builds more sperm has been debunked for us. We had 2.5 days of abstinence going into yesterday, and yet only 24 hours later, we get 5 times the amount.....hmmm. The nurse said that she targeted the sample really well today, so I'm hoping that it works. I'm not super super hopeful, but I guess there's nothing I can do now but wait. They're giving me the option of testing at home using an HPT (which I won't do because I had an HCG shot, which could potentially give a false positive), waiting,for AF to show up, or coming into the office on the 18th for a blood draw. I'm not sure what I want to do yet....I guess I'll just see how I feel as the days go on. I'm going to try to relax and distract myself as much as possible. Last night I went out for dinner and shopping with friends, which was fun, and my substitute teaching paperwork is due to come through and be finalized by the end of the week, so hopefully I can start WORKING soon! I'm not going to go full time or anything crazy like that (haha), but it will be nice to feel like I'm contributing to society again. Grouper got me a 60 minute deluxe massage for my birthday (complete with hot rocks, yippee!), so I think I'll try to schedule that appointment for late this week or sometime next week, too.

I got myself a new journal that I'm going to use to write down all of this gobbledy gook pertaining to fertility that tends to cloud my head in times like these. Yes, blogging helps, too, but I find handwriting it to be more therapeutic for some reason, and I've really let my journaling slide in the past couple years. I'm going to try to get back into it, because once I do finally get pregnant, I want to start writing a journal of letters to my child, starting in utero and continuing throughout his or her life until adulthood. It's kinda corny, but I think it has the potential to be special and could be a valuable keepsake when I'm gone.

Well, I'd better get busy......it may be a little quiet around here for the next couple of weeks, but then again, it may not, it depends on how delusional I become during this two week wait. :)

IUI #1 (sorta)

2011-01-04T08:01:00.000-08:00

Grouper dropped his sample off and I went in an hour later. When I went in, the lab tech took me straight back to the lab and let me look under the microscope at all the little swimmers that were doing the backstroke all over the slide! :) She said the sample was good - 6.1 million after the wash, and that the motility was good. Then she said, "BUT....." and I freaked out. Apparently the sample had a very high number of white blood cells, which is not necessarily a good sign. The lab tech said that it could be a sign of an infection of some sort, like a UTI or something, and because of that, the doctor said that it probably would not be a good idea to do a full IUI for risk of passing on the potential infection to me. She did say that the "white blood cells" could actually be immature sperm, but that without sending the cultures to another lab, it would be impossible to tell.

The alternative, which is what ended up happening, was a high-cervical insemination. The sperm was inserted right at the tip of the cervix, so the nurse who did the procedure said that it's a little more targeted than the natural way, but that the chances aren't quite as high as they would be if we did an IUI. We're doing it again tomorrow because I've already taken the Clomid and the wash has got to help a bit.......but I must admit that I'm really bummed out because I just once again feel like there's always a catch - nothing can just be easy, there's always got to be a problem.

I'm trying to stay positive, but I guess everything's out of my hands now. I talked to Grouper and he said he doesn't really understand, because he thought that if he has an infection, he'd know it, and he doesn't feel like it. Who knows. Ugh.

It has begun.....

2011-01-03T11:19:00.000-08:00

I was feeling kinda crampy last night and decided to take an OPK just to see what was going on. I got a positive last night and again this morning, and I called the doc right away last night and left a message - they called me this morning and I went in at 11:45 for my ultrasound.

The doctor said my lining looked good (9.1mm), and I had one follie on my left side that was 24mm, which he says is good. I got my hcG shot, which didn't hurt at the time, but hurts now....my hip is sore! Grouper will drop off his "contribution" at 7:30am, I'll go in at 8:30 for my IUI. The doc recommended that we do 2 IUIs this cycle, so we'll repeat the process on Wednesday. I'm excited, but I probably shouldn't be as excited as I am.

The doc also said that if this cycle doesn't work, we may need to consider doing an SA to test for DNA fragmentation issues with Grouper's sperm. The test is somewhat expensive and the doc said that there's no point in doing it this month, but if our IUIs don't work, we should consider it. I'm not going to worry about that until we have to, hopefully it's not even an issue.

Wish us luck......

Update

2011-01-02T15:08:00.000-08:00

It seems like the past two weeks have flown by - between Grouper working on our floors like crazy and having the house torn up, having to travel to Indiana for Christmas and hanging around there for my birthday, and then coming back and hosting a New Year's Eve party, we've been busy.

Tomorrow it's back to real life - back to work for Grouper (major bummer) and back to normal for me. I am going to start trying a little harder to get all of my substitute teaching stuff in order (I've been trying, but I've kinda enjoyed my time off, too), and I'm going to start working on getting the house back in order and starting up some new knitting projects (I have seven pregnant people whose babies I want to knit for that will be here between now and July).

I started Clo.mid on Christmas Eve and now I've been doing OPKs and just waiting for my LH surge to show up. It's day 13, and so far, nothing. I started on 50mg, and I've noticed a couple "side effects" - I get cramping every now and then, but nothing I can't manage, and I've noticed that I have more CM and that it's more watery than normal (TMI, I know, but it is what it is). I am expecting to get my positive OPK tomorrow or Tuesday (hopefully) and from there I'll call the RE and we'll set up my ultrasound. Getting my hCG shots through the mail was kind of a pain, but it's here now, and I'm still not sure when I'm supposed to take it and I'm a bit uneasy about the thought of Grouper stabbing me with a needle, but we'll do what we have to do.

It seems like there is pregnancy in the air all around me - even our priest's sermon today centered on a parishoners's new pregnancy and the idea of love vs. fear and how faith plays such a role in all of that. It's the first time in a long time that a sermon has actually made me stop in my tracks and really pay attention. As a matter of fact, I started to tear up a little. We're trying our best to be positive and enjoy our time as a couple until our wishes come true.

I hope all of you get what you wish for in 2011 as well.....Happy New Year!

What's been going on at our house.....

2010-12-21T07:27:00.000-08:00

The house is torn up....Grouper is putting in hardwood flooring over the holidays, so.....

I'm confined to the basement, doggy-sitting these girls,

because the new one gets into everything (puppies are like that), and poor Delilah is scared of all the noise. Look how big Remi is!

She's only about one-third of what she'll be full-grown. We're in trouble, folks.

I've also been attempting to be crafty! I painted some ornaments

and knitted a purse, which I'm giving to my cousin for Christmas (she better like it!)

I went to a friend's to learn how to sew.....she did all the machine work because I didn't want to mess it up, but the handstitching that secured the lining into the bag is ALL ME. :) Now I want to learn how to sew! It was so much fun!

And I also played Auntie Paparazzi, which is one of my favorite things to do!

They're so cute, I just want to melt.

Especially this little one. She's at that really fun photogenic age, and I have a million pics of her.

I can't wait to have one of my own....and on that front, I'm going to place the call to the RE right after I finish this post. AF came today, so Clo.mid should be starting soon!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, everyone! I hope that you all get what you wish for in 2011!

How it went.

2010-12-07T08:45:00.000-08:00

Our appointment was almost 2 hours long. Most of it was spent in Dr. Max's office, going over our charts and lab results and discussing statistics and terminology. I've never met a man that has more statistics in his head than Dr. Max. I guess it's a good thing, though, because he knows his stuff and he knows what the benefits are for us to do certain things vs. other things that may not have as high of a success rate. Grouper, being an engineer, really loves the way that Dr. Max presents everything because it's totally a numbers game. Anyway, he started off right away with a number that I didn't particularly like. He said that with the way Grouper's sperm is and considering that my FSH levels from my blood work last month was 10.6, (it should be 10 or below, apparently) that we only have a 2% chance of conceiving naturally within one year. Ugh. He said that he was quite surprised that we were able to conceive on our own the first time, especially after just five months of trying, but that it was a really good thing that we did, because now there are things that he knows about my body that he couldn't thoroughly test for: the fact that eggs can move through my fallopian tube and implant. He also said that he wasn't surprised that my pregnancy ended in miscarriage because in all likelihood, the sperm that fertilized my egg was a poorly shaped one, and therefore it was chromosomally (I don't know if I spelled that correctly) defective. Pregnancies that begin with a poorly shaped sperm have over 50% miscarriage rate before 8 weeks. As we were sitting there, all of these light bulbs kept going off in my head. It all kinda adds up and makes sense now. It still totally effing sucks, but it makes sense.

He told us that our chances of conceiving will be greatly increased with an IUI or IVF. He said that if I was over 35 (I'm almost 27), he would say that we need to go straight to IVF, but since I'm not and since my cycles aren't all that bad, we may have a shot with IUI. He said we can try it for a few months unmedicated, and if nothing happens, then we step it up to either medicated IUI (with Clo.mid and hcG shots) or IVF after that. He also said that if sperm counts are high and everything with that route is going well, he sometimes does two IUIs per cycle, which I didn't even know was possible. He said that when sperm is washed, though, they don't test that sperm's morphology, so we have no real way of knowing if it's good or not, but the fact that all of it goes straight into my fallopian tubes and doesn't have to make the entire journey definitely increases our odds. He said that IVF cycles usually run about $9300 for the initial one with egg retrieval and everything, and every thaw cycle is an additional $1500-2000. Ugh.

So we had all the info, and he told us to go home and think about it, and then he said, "Wait, I forgot to ask you where you are in this cycle. What cycle day are you on?" I told him yesterday was day 16 and that I've been ovulating on day 17 the past couple cycles. So he said, "Well, since you're here, let's go check your follicles and see if they've ruptured and how they look, and if they look good, you can have an IUI tomorrow." My mouth hit the floor. This guy wasn't messing around! And I hadn't even shaved my legs! :) We went in and looked, and I had 2 follies on one side, one was completely undeveloped and the other one was only about 7.5mm, and the other one on the other side was 8mm....so they were both too small to work with. He said that now that he's seen that my follies are small, he recommends that we do a medicated IUI right out of the gate. So, starting with my next cycle, I start Clo.mid and I'll have an hcG shot. He said we have something like a 28% chance of conceiving. I'm ok with that, it's a hell of a lot higher than 2%.

This is really happening, I'm still having trouble wrapping my brain around that. I still want to believe that we can do this on our own, but it's obvious we can't. When I saw the fact that our consult was labeled "high severity" on our bill, it really hit home. Hopefully they can help us soon.........

Today's the day.

2010-12-06T08:11:00.000-08:00

I apologize for my absence, but it's been a crazy week and a half. I lost my grandfather on Thanksgiving morning (somewhat unexpectedly - he was diagnosed with liver cancer on Sunday and was gone by the following Thursday) and we've been all over the place ever since.

At 2:30 this afternoon, Grouper and I will be meeting with our RE, Dr. Max, for the first time. I'm very excited to finally get something going, but I'm very nervous as to what that "something" might be.

We've filled out all of our paperwork....tons of it, yikes, and I've got my questions ready.

I'm still scared that we're going to get in there and he's going to say, "We can't do anything until Grouper sees a urologist," or, "your only option is IVF."

I think I'm willing to do IVF, but I'm really scared about it. There are many reasons, and I won't go into them now because I'm still not sure what our options are, but I'm hoping that we can try IUI first and get results that way.

I'll report back once our appointment is over....wish us luck!

RE appt

2010-11-18T09:54:00.000-08:00

I told Grouper about our results last night. He reacted much as I expected, but when he said, "So, are you glad it's me and not you?", I didn't really know how to respond. If he's feeling major guilt, he didn't tell me. I asked him if he was ok with everything later on in the night once it had time to process, and he said that he is and that we just need to go to the RE now and see what he says.

Upon looking at his results a bit more closely, it appears that the sperm count on the first SA was good, but the one on the second SA was low. And the problem that showed up on both is that his morphology (they use the Kruger's Strict Criteria, whatever that is) is low....around 1% . I guess that anything below 4% can cause issues with becoming pregnant. I have not really started researching what all of this means, because I'm afraid of what I'll find out. It says in the notes at the bottom of both SA result papers that possible reasons for the abnormal values is "dysfunctional germinal epithelium." I don't know if this means that we'll be able to get pregnant with IUI or if we would have to do IVF to have a better shot.....does anyone know anything about this?

I did read a bit about the effects of the surgery that Grouper had when he was around 4 or 5 on fertility. Apparently when the surgery is performed before age 1, there are less chances of fertility issues. If the surgery is performed after age 4, the risk of lower sperm count and other issues is much higher. I don't know if Grouper's parents had a choice of when to do the surgery, because he was a child in the 70's, you know. I am pretty sure that those types of surgery weren't as advanced then as they are now. I don't know, it'll definitely been interesting to see what the RE says. We are not able to get in to the RE until December 6th. We also need to do a visit with a urologist, I think. I'm not sure whether we should try to get a referral to do that before we go to the RE or not, my doctor said it was up to us.

So I'm just processing information now and doing the waiting game.

Part of me just hopes I'm pregnant this month and we won't have to think about this again for a while. My boobs have been feeling heavier than normal when I get up in the mornings and my nose is sensitive, but hey, I may just have new puppy-mom radar because I can track down the smell of puppy accidents really quickly. I'm 10dpo now, my temp is still high, but I won't know anything for a few days. I'm not expecting it, that's for sure.

Well, I'm rambling now. If anyone knows anything about morphology rates and what the options are, I'd appreciate some information, no matter how scary it is.

Crawling out of my hole to tell you.....

2010-11-15T13:49:00.000-08:00

I had my last blood draw today. This one was to tell my doctor what my progesterone levels are. The nurse practitioner that I've been "dating", as she says, every week for the past 4 Mondays, said as I left that the results would not be in for a couple days, and at that time, I could expect a call from my doctor giving us the results of the complete battery of tests.

Imagine my surprise when I got a call this afternoon from the nurse practitioner. She told me that from all of my labs that have come back, my doctor thinks everything with me is normal. She did say, however, that Grouper has some issues. She said she wasn't super familiar with reading the SA results, but that from what she could tell, he had a sperm count of 12 million, and they prefer that the count is higher than 20. Also, his sperm motility was 60%, which she said is somewhat low. She said that treating male fertility issues tends to be a lot easier than dealing with female fertility issues, and that my doctor thinks that IUI is the best bet for us. She is referring us to an RE in the area, but I am not sure if he will do the IUI or if my doctor will (if I have a choice in the matter, I'd honestly like my doctor to do it, but I can't really make that decision, especially not until after I meet this guy).

I feel terrible and somewhat selfish saying this, but it's like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Even though I know I shouldn't, I tend to have this underlying guilty feeling about all of our issues....that they're my fault. And I don't want to think of them as my fault or Grouper's, I just want to get things fixed. I must say, though......I am somewhat looking forward to letting my MIL in on this piece of information, because she was pretty much sure that there was no reason for us to be getting checked out, and for sure there wasn't any issues with HER son, it had to be my fault (she never said that last bit, but that's most definitely how she has made me feel in the past year and a half). I just hope it'll shut her up, or at least make her more supportive.

Now I just have to figure out how to tell Grouper. He's hunting Up North until late Wednesday night. I'm not going to call him right now and take his focus off of hunting and put it on this. I think overall he will have a positive attitude about it. He is more of a, "Ok, this is the problem. Now we know. Let's fix it," kinda guy and I'm one of those, "Woe is me, why us, wah wah wah," person (if you didn't already know that). I want to call the RE right now and get scheduled, but I can't until I talk to him and I know his schedule and all that. I guess I just have to sit on my hands for the next couple days.

I am relieved, though. Honestly. Last week was the week from Hell. I am happy for all people who are finally out of this infertile battle, but holy crap, it's a heavy hitting week when I have not only the first anniversary of the loss of my pregnancy, but also hear 7 pregnancy announcements in 7 days. That's rough. I'm trying to get out of my funk the best that I can. That's all I can do.

And now we know what needs to be fixed. If I can't get a positive pregnancy test right now, this is definitely the next best thing.

Done.

2010-11-04T07:10:00.000-07:00

I'm having a really bad day today.

Bad.

I just feel like no matter what I do, we still are in the same position as we were a year ago...but oh wait, that's not true, because a year ago today I was still pregnant.

I'm just feeling really alone and really sorry for myself today. As a matter of fact, I don't even know why I'm bothering to blog anymore. All it seems to be is negativity.

I think I may just step away until I get my act together. I hate raining on everyone else's parade.

To top it all off, I have to go to the funeral home tonight because a good friend of mine that I worked with in Canada lost her husband to cancer. After 50 years together. That is going to be tough.

When will happy things start happening?

I'll see you when I see you.

10-26-09

2010-10-26T12:20:00.000-07:00

Was the happiest day of my life. The day I got my BFP.

Sigh.

A year later, here we are. Back at square one. No baby. A baby room with a fresh coat of paint, a crib all set up and ready to go, but no baby.

Sometimes, that kills me.

And so it begins.....

2010-10-25T20:19:00.000-07:00

It's been a long day for a lot of reasons. The new puppy is fitting in well with the familiy, but the bottom line is that she's a PUPPY, and she has a lot of learning to do. That can be frustrating for me and our other "behaved" dog, especially when we're home alone while Grouper's out of town. We're managing, though, and I guess the overall helplessness and the sleepless nights are decent practice for a baby. :)

I called this morning to make my appointment for my blood draw tomorrow and realized that TODAY is CD 3, not tomorrow. Unfortunately I realized this after I ate breakfast. Oops. The nurse practitioner had me wait until the afternoon and I went in and had my first blood draw. I'm not sure exactly what this one is looking for...maybe it's just a starting point. I go back in a week, and that one is the one where I have to fast and they test my glucose and my thyroid. Then, I will use OPKs to find out when I'm going to ovulate, and when I'm on my peak day, I am to go in again. There will be one last test this month, and that will be 8 days after ovulation.

I am so ready to have this done and know what to expect next.

I found out that apparently my MIL thinks that this testing is "unnecessary" and that we need to stop stressing out and when we relax, it'll happen. Ha. Thank goodness she didn't say that to my face, she said it to my SIL. My SIL stod up for me and said that all things considered, she thinks we're handling everything quite well, and that after two years, we are being "proactive" by being tested. Thanks, SIL.

On top of that and my period coming two days late and totally screwing with my head, my mom called and told me that she saw one of my old high school classmates at the store, who told her that another classmate of mine (who is unmarried, doesn't have a steady job, and has a boyfriend who has a bunch of kids with a bunch of different women), is pregnant and that I'm apparently on the list to be invited to her baby shower. JOY. I haven't talked to this girl for like five years......why would I be on the list? Not only that, I couldn't believe my mother, the woman who struggled with infertility for nine years, would call me up to tell me something like that out of the blue. Ugh. She could have at least prefaced it with, "I know you don't wanna hear this, but...." I think it wouldn't normally bug me, but she called the day I started my period. Gag. I know, I'm whining, but sometimes I have to.

Ok, I'm gonna get back on the positive track, right now. This is the last month that we'll have uncertainty.....soon, we'll have answers and we'll know what to do next.

And if I get my Christmas/birthday wish this year, I'll be pregnant by Christmas.

I'm off to find my stationery.....I might just write Santa a letter this year. :)

Bust. Again. (and gratuitous doggie cuteness)

2010-10-23T16:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday. CD 14. Temp dropped, but no AF and no signs of her showing up.

Today. CD 15. Two days after when AF usually shows up. Temp went back up when I took it at 6am (granted, I was totally sleep deprived, but I was totally surprised). Took a test. STILL negative. Still no signs of AF. Then I went to the bathroom at about 5pm (if I start, I normally start in the morning).....and HELLO, AF!

I shouldn't have been disappointed, surprised, whatever, but I was. I mean, I can do this when I have normal cycles that result in AF, but when I'm two days late? Yeah, that sucks.

Grouper and I had another really awesome heart to heart last night about our options and how it really wouldn't be the end of the world if we end up having to adopt. He just kept reassuring me that the doctor will be able to help us and we'll have answers before we know it.

I have to call the doc's office first thing Monday to schedule a blood draw for the next two Tuesdays. Gropuer's first semen analysis is Wednesday.

IUI, here we come (most likely).....even though my doc hasn't laid out a specific plan as to when we'll do our first one, that's what she indicated would be our best option, and if I had to guess, the month of November will probably be our "running tests" month and we'll be a go for my December cycle.

I'd take a BFP for Christmas and my birthday, no problem!

In the meantime, I have this to keep me busy.

So far she's doing a pretty good job of keeping my mind off of things. And we're definitely getting a taste of what sleep deprivation with children will be like....she's cried ALL night long for the past two nights! And she sleeps during the day, of course....sometimes in my coffee table.

At least she's getting along with her sister.

And I had to throw in this picture of Grouper and Delilah......he was trying his best to calm her down and reassure her that we still love her, even though we have another dog.....now do you see why I think he'll make an awesome dad? :)

13 DPO

2010-10-21T07:47:00.000-07:00

I should start AF today. Normally my temperature has taken a huge nose dive by now.

It still hasn't. I caved late last night and took a test, which was, of course, NEGATIVE. The chart is looking REALLY good, but I'm afraid that as usual, it's too good to be true. I've noticed that I've been extra hungry and more tired than normal the past day or so as well. But all of those symptoms sometimes happen when AF is coming, too. Grouper asked me again last night why I'm always so negative about my chances of getting pregnant. I told him because I was tired of always getting my hopes up and then getting kicked in the teeth. He just doesn't get it sometimes. This morning my temperature held fairly steady, and I was going to test again, but I couldn't bear to do it. So I guess I'll test again tomorrow if my temperature holds. Maybe I should just follow FF's advice and wait until Sunday and stop giving myself major mindf***.

But, honestly, check out this comparison chart of the last four consecutive months. This month is orange. It's looking pretty good, right?? Or maybe, as I fear, it's another month like the month in green. We'll see.

Oh, man.

2010-10-20T07:34:00.000-07:00

So the verdict is still out on whether I'm pregnant or not. I'm afraid to take a test, so I'm waiting at least one more day. In the meantime, I'm proceeding with things as if I'm not, because why would this month be any different than the past however many months? Anyway, it's time to schedule Grouper's semen analysis. He's being kind of a baby about it, in my opinion. First of all, he won't call himself - his excuse: "I sit in a cube, not an office. What am I supposed to do, yell out, in the middle of a bunch of people, "HEY, CAN I DROP OFF SOME SPERM?" Ok, I get that, but he also drives to work a half hour each way every day and is often out on the road during the day. Whatever. So this morning I'm trying to talk to him to get the best days for him (via text, of course, because this can't be vocally discussed while he's in the office), and he wanted me to schedule it for a time they're not open. He got annoyed by that, of course. I asked him if he wanted me to ask if he could "produce" his sample at home (my doc gave us cups for him to use) and then take it to the office. He said I should ask which is best and then......I should ask if I can "visit" the office with him.

Um. Ew. I think that's a little weird, don't you think? Both of us going into the "sample production" room? Yikes. I'm voting for him doing it at home.

But I think he's being a wimp. And I told him so. I mean, as my doctor said, if the worst thing he has to do throughout this process is, um, satisfy himself into a cup a couple times, is that really so terrible?

Men. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

I love it when song lyrics speak to me.

2010-10-19T09:58:00.000-07:00

I just got the new Sugarland album today, and when this song came on, it literally stopped me in my tracks. I know it is meant to be for someone who got dumped and is trying to move on, but it definitely applies to someone like me, too. The album's pretty decent overall, but I think I like this song best.

Little Miss done on love,
Little Miss I give up,
Little Miss I'll get tough, don't you worry 'bout me anymore

Little Miss checkered dress,
Little Miss one big mess,
Little Miss I'll take less when I always knew so much more

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
Yeah, sometimes ya gotta lose 'til ya win,
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
It'll be alright again, it'll be alright again

I'm okay, It'll be alright again, I'm okay (okay) It'll be alright again, I'm okay

Little Miss do your best,
Little Miss never rest,
Little Miss, be my guest, I'll make more anytime it runs out

Little Miss you'll go far,
Little Miss hide your scars,
Little Miss who you are is so much more than you like to talk about

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
Yeah, sometimes ya gotta lose 'til ya win,
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
It'll be alright again, it'll be alright again,

I'm okay, It'll be alright again, I'm okay (okay) It'll be alright again, I'm okay

Hold on, hold on, you are loved, are loved

Little Miss brand new start,
Little Miss do your part,
Little Miss big ole heart beats wide open, she's ready now for love

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
Yeah, sometimes ya gotta lose 'til ya win,
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
It'll be alright again, it'll be alright again

I'm okay, It'll be alright again, I'm okay (okay) It'll be alright again, I'm okay,

It'll be alright again.

Here's my candle.

2010-10-15T11:23:00.000-07:00

As I'm sure most of you know, today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

I'm sending up prayers and thoughts today for everyone who has lost someone.

2010-10-12T07:33:00.000-07:00

I'm 4dpo and I'm so optimistic this cycle that it's scary. I need to stop.

Part of me is optimistic because I totally knew when I was going to ovulate. Month 2 of using OPKs and knowing what the readings really meant for my body allowed us to "hit the nail on the head," so to speak.

Part of me is optimistic because I am hoping that we're one of those couples that finally goes to the doctor and makes a plan for the future only to have to throw that plan out the window because the BFP finally shows up.

And lastly, I'm optimistic because I know how my luck works. My college roommates' wedding, the one I'm supposed to be in, falls on June 25, 2010. If, and that's a big if, this is the month, my EDD is July 1. That means I would not be able to travel the four hours in the car each way to be in the wedding. She's already told me that she's forecasting that I won't be able to be there. The same thing would have happened had our first baby made it - only it would have been my sister's wedding that I would have missed.

I got pregnant last October, why not this one, too?

What the doctor said....

2010-10-05T10:14:00.000-07:00

I am feeling more optimistic than I have in a while.

My doctor is so great. She's so easy to talk to, she makes me feel like she genuinely cares and wants to help us, and most of all, she makes me feel NORMAL.

I gave her all of my charts, she looked them over, and she said that it looks like I'm ovulating pretty regularly, and even though I've had a bit of different in ovulation days and luteal phase length, they're nothing major. She also said that as much as she hated to say it because she knows how I'd feel, it's a good sign that I DID get pregnant once, even if it didn't stick.

I told her about Grouper's issue....I think I've shared it here before. I think. One of his testicles never descended when he was a kid. They had to remove it when he was like four. They told his parents when he had the surgery that it would not impact his ability to have kids. He's never had his sperm quality tested before though, so the more I think about it, the more I'm not so sure that everything's ok. Anyway, when I told my doctor that, she said that even though I did get pregnant once, it definitely wouldn't hurt to get him tested...because as she said, "Even those with sperm quality issues can still shoot a winner every once in a while." He is to give samples two different times, and I'll also be getting some tests done. I'll have to go to her office to give blood on days 3 and 10 of my next cycle, and then again 5 days after I ovulate. She said once we get all of those results, we'll decide what to do. She said I may possibly have to have dye injected into my tubes to see if everything's clear or get a laproscopy to check for endometriosis, but she doesn't think that it'll get to that point. She said if it is a sperm problem, she does the IUI at her office. I was very relieved to hear that. I love her so much and I'm so comfortable with her....it'll be nice to have her as my doctor for all of that.

So it was a good appointment. A good day. Because now we have a plan. We're getting somewhere, FINALLY. And it feels great!

Getting nervous....

2010-10-05T07:25:00.000-07:00

The day I've been waiting for for so long is finally here.

I leave for the doctor in 45 minutes. I'm starting to get really nervous.

Grouper can't figure out why I'm nervous about this - he said, "She's a doctor. She's there to help you. You trust her. She'll help us figure out what to do next."

I said, "Well, this doctor's appointment could in fact alter the rest of our lives." Yes, I know, I'm being dramatic, but it's kinda true.

Or she may just say, "Come back next week," or she might refer us to someone else.

I don't know.

I have my charts printed off and questions ready. Wish me luck. I'll be back to update later, I'm sure.

Two posts in a day is unheard of......

2010-09-27T15:13:00.000-07:00

Good news.

I got a phone call from my doctor's office today. My doctor is going to be out of the office on the day of my original appointment, so I got an earlier one.

I now go to the doctor on October 5th.....that's next Tuesday.

I am SO excited (and so nervous) to finally get to see her. I hope that she will have some insight into what might be going on with me/us and we can get going on whatever we need to do next!

Maybe this will cure my baby fever for a bit.....

2010-09-27T08:42:00.000-07:00

I doubt it will, but it's worth a shot. I've never had a puppy this little before. We don't get to bring her home for three more weeks, but I guess that once we do, we'll be up with her every hour at night to let her out.

If nothing else, maybe it'll take my mind off of everything else.

It's Pity Party Day....table for one, please.

2010-09-22T08:51:00.000-07:00

CD 1. Again.

I'm feeling very alone today.

Feeling helpless because it's obvious that we're not going to be able to do this without the help of a doctor, drugs, treatments (well, most likely a mixture of all of the above).

Another reason that I'm feeling so alone is that out of 28 TTC blogs that are on my list, all but three are now pregnant or have had their babies.

I'm happy for all of you who have been blessed.......SO HAPPY for you. You all completely deserve it.

But I feel like the wallflower left in the corner. The last kid picked for a game of dodgeball. The runt of the litter that no one wants. I can't help it, I just do. I've been having a harder time saying, "Congratulations" and seeing belly pics and commenting on pregnancy blogs in the past few weeks. Please don't take it personally. It's just me dealing with my own demons. I was supposed to get out of the environment we were in while living and Canada and relax (which I felt like I have) and then the last piece - me getting pregnant - was supposed to fall into place. I've been home since late July. That last piece is still missing. And it gets harder for me to swallow the more time that goes by.

Last night we had the yearly family discussion about how gifting will go for Christmas. It's a huge production because there are 8 kids on Grouper's side of the family. We were basically told (or I guess I should say, it was alluded to) that we are the ones who foul up the process they want to use because "we don't have kids." Otherwise all the kids would just draw the name of one of their cousins.......but Grouper pitches a fit about that because we want to buy for our nieces and nephews, but they (being his siblings) don't feel like it's fair that we buy for all 8 when they aren't. It's petty and stupid, of course, but it did nothing more to me last night than break off another piece of my heart and put another huge spotlight on the fact that we're infertile at the moment. We're defective. Thanks for the reminder.

On top of all of it, I had the worst nights' sleep of my life last night.......so I'm having AF symptoms, feeling sorry for myself, tired, and alone all day. That's probably for the best.

I hearby apologize for the whining rant above. But it has to be let out somewhere or I will explode.
October 12 is less than a month away. We WILL get answers. We WILL have a baby.

We WILL have a baby.

CD 12

2010-09-20T07:16:00.000-07:00

Negative test this morning.

Yeah, it's early, but pretty sure I'm not KU.

Blech.

On to the doctor's office......I guess I'll start counting down the days to the appointment and make sure I have all of my "ammunition" ready. Charts, questions, whatever.

I never thought our TTC journey would be like this. I mean, I know mine isn't as bad as a lot of people's, but it's still hard and it still sucks.

A "Yikes" Moment that made me giggle.

2010-09-16T10:46:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning at around 7am. Big deal, right? So what?

When I woke up, my thermometer was still hanging out of my mouth from taking my temperature. AN HOUR PREVIOUSLY.

Yeah, you know you've been TTC too long when something as ridiculous as that happens.

I guess I'm just impressed with my coordination---and the fact that I didn't choke to death. :)

2010-09-14T14:06:00.000-07:00

I'm 6dpo on my last cycle before I see the doctor. I'm feeling unbelievably calm....or maybe it's just me feeling numb, because I know at this point there's nothing else I can do this cycle. I'm either pregnant or I'm not.

I think we timed things about as well as we possibly could have. FF originally gave me my O day as day 14, but I knew that wasn't right because I actually used OPKs this cycle. Those little things are pretty neat, I must say. I found it strange that I actually got a positive result two different days, because I didn't feel any different at all, except for the fact that I was extra hot for Grouper's bod one of those days...hehe. We used Preseed on the two nights that I had positive OPKs, so I guess it's "away we go" from here. Yes, I still look at my potential due dates on FF, and if I'm pregnant this cycle, my due date will be June 1. I'm supposed to be in a wedding on June 25, so I figure it'll either happen this month or next.

Random thing happened to me yesterday.....I am weird and take things like this as a sign. I was in Grouper's new car and I was trying out the SYNC system (which is FANTASTIC, btw) and I said to play music from Glee. The song that came on first was "You're Having My Baby." I must admit I raised my eyebrows a bit.

Also, I almost outed myself as an "infertile" yesterday on Facebook. Some chick I went to high school is pregnant with #3, and her status went something like this: "Day 2 of nauseousness, headaches, and puking. I LOVE being pregnant!" Oh.Sweet.Lord. I almost commented right back, but instead I just made my status something about how people should think before they speak or type their FB statuses, and of course one of my friends wanted me to elaborate, so I just said that I was tired of people acting like their lives were so horrible and that they had such BURDENS when what they consider to be a burden could be a huge blessing to another person. I am sure some of my friends figured out what I was referring to. Whatever. I don't care anymore.

Even if I don't get pregnant any time soon, I'm going to have a new "baby" for sure next month. Our puppy was born last Tuesday, and we get to go pick her from the litter next weekend. I am beyond excited!

Reality check

2010-09-02T14:08:00.000-07:00

We bought a new car this week.

As we were sitting there with our salesman finalizing the deal, a lady walked in....she looked about 16-20 weeks pregnant. She handed our salesman some keys and he looked up with this look of complete love and said, "Thanks, sweetheart."

As she walked away, he told us that the lady we had just seen was his wife, and that she was working for the car dealership driving cars back and forth during her pregnancy since she was high-risk. He then said that they had lost three babies (the first one was a stillbirth at 7.5 months, followed by 2 miscarriages), so that it was very important that she took it easy.

Since I had this huge lump in my throat and had to stare at the floor to keep from crying, Grouper then said, "Wow, that's really rough. I'm sorry. We've been going through some of the same stuff ourselves, although not as extreme." That surprised me, in a way....I've never heard him mention any of our TTC issues to anyone other than me.

I immediately had to look down again to keep from tearing up. The salesman asked what happened, and Grouper told him that we had a loss last October and that we were still trying. The salesman told us the story of the loss of their son last summer and told us how they had just kept their faith and that eventually the love, support, and strength that they had for each other and in their marriage had pulled them through. He said they're obviously not out of the woods yet, but they keep as positive of an attitude as they can and take things day by day.

It was so refreshing and amazing to see the strength and positivity that just oozed out of this guy's every pore. It made me realize that we can do this, and even though things are hard now and could get harder, we still have each other. The rest will fall into place at some point.....I just have to remember that the time line isn't up to me.

It's on the calendar....

2010-08-26T18:40:00.000-07:00

I had a really rough night last night (I'm home alone until tomorrow, y'all....that makes my mind wander before bed), and so after sitting in bed feeling bad for myself and wanting nothing more than to be pregnant (but hey, what else is new?), I woke up this morning and called my doctor.

My appointment is set for October 12th at 10:15am. It is just my basic "yearly" visit, since it will have been a year since the MC by that time, but I am definitely taking all of my charts and I'm going to get everything out in the open with my doctor. She's great, Grouper met her when I went to her for the MC (he went with me, how sweet) and he loves her, too. She has really good bedside manner and I am completely comfortable when I talk to her. It feels really good to have a date set on the calendar...something to work towards, I guess.

When I started AF on Monday, I was bummed (surprise), and as I mentioned in my previous post, I finally broke down and ordered OPKs and Pre.seed. Those were the two things I swore I'd never do....but hey, IF does crazy things to us, yes, ladies? I am actually semi-excited to try these things out. And this month will be our "let's just see what happens" month, and next month, we're going to the doctor and getting down to business.

SO.....I want some advice, because I have no idea about preseed or OPKs or what to ask my doctor. I have attempted to be as clueless as possible about those sorts of things, because hey, let's face it, I've been really busy trying to pretend we don't have issues for quite a while now. Any advice is welcomed.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In other news, I met Tarah (aka Crossed Fingers) for dinner IN REAL LIFE last night. We had a blast. It wasn't that weird meeting someone I've never seen or spoken to on the phone, surprisingly...she's fun and great and cute and has the most adorable 13 week baby bump I've ever seen. You know what else I found so refreshing about meeting her? Pregnancy has made her very "zen...." I never met her before, so I can't attest to how she was pre-baby, but oh my goodness, when I saw her face......the calmness, happiness, and joy just exuded from her pores. I want that. And I think that the best way to get it is to surround myself with people who have it....so watch out, T.....I'm going to hang with you every single day! Hahaha. :) Seriously, though....if you can find a friend that can "get" what you're going through IRL, I'd strongly suggest it. It makes life so much easier! :) Thanks for the great date, Tarah! Hope we can do it again soon!

CD 2

2010-08-24T07:31:00.000-07:00

I have no clue what was going on with that last chart, but we're back to the drawing board....I can't really say I'm surprised.

I ordered preseed and a bunch of OPKs online yesterday.....this is my last ditch effort, then it's off to the doc in October.

18 DPO?!?!?!??!

2010-08-22T07:00:00.000-07:00

I am totally puzzled by this chart. My temperature rarely stays as high as it's been for the past week and I still have no real signs of AF showing up. I have gotten way too excited too many times, and the fact that I've now taken three HPT's (including one of those stupid digital ones that smacks you in the face with the words, "NOT PREGNANT,") is becoming beyond confusing to me. The more I look at it now, the more I think maybe I didn't O until CD 22 or 23, but the not all of the signs match up. Who am I kidding, the signs don't match up anywhere. I keep thinking every morning when I wake up that my temp will take a complete nose dive, and it just keeps hovering.

So, what do you ladies think? Was it really day 12, where we have a bit of a chance, and I just am slow to show a positive (I really don't think so), was it day 22 or 23, where we also have a chance, or was it somewhere in between, where we absolutely have no chance outside of immaculate conception because Grouper was on a fishing trip for 8 days and I didn't see him?

Just when I thought I was somewhat regular.....BAM! Thanks, Mother Nature, ~~you suck a big one~~ rock.

Overwhelmed + Disappointed = MIA

2010-08-19T10:48:00.000-07:00

My day did not start off well. I got up at 4am, had to pee, so I went ahead and took my temp early (then took it again at normal time), and although it was still riding high (as it has been for the past few days), when I took a test, it came back negative again. As I was sitting the bathroom, staring at the test on the floor, whispering, "Please God, Please God, Please....", only to have the damn test give me one line yet again, I couldn't help but thinking that it was a pretty pathetic scene that happens way too frequently.

Surprisingly, I went back to sleep and was woken up before 8 by my dog throwing up IN MY BED. She had hopped up on Grouper's side when he got ready for work and apparently the contents of her stomach didn't want to stay in there. So I had to get up, clean that up (not to mention the other 5 spots in the house where she threw up on her way outside), and then Grouper left for work.

So even though I still have a ton of stuff to do around the house (we're not settled in by any means), I am just totally bummed today. I knew our chances to conceive this month were probably quite low, but when my chart starts doing promising things, I can't help but hope. And now here I am at 15dpo, which never happens, and I'm still testing negative. I am pretty sure that if I were pregnant, a BFP would have appeared by now.

I still think last month was a chemical pregnancy. I will never know for sure because I never tested, but my gut is telling me it was. I am just tired of this roller coaster ride, and I know you've all heard this a million times before from me, but I'm scared to death of the next step.

Grouper's insurance will switch back over to the US as of next Friday, then I'm going to set appointments up. I'm tired of waiting, waiting, waiting and always being disappointed.

I had a long talk with a former co-worker yesterday in Canada about IF when I was there to say goodbye. She tried for 10 years to get pregnant, and she tried everything, including 6 IVFs that failed. Finally, she decided to adopt and she said she was so happy that she did. I felt better after talking to her and it was nice to speak face to face with someone who had been to hell and back and has come out happy. She said that she thinks I'm handling this so well and that I have a great outlook and attitude--even better than the one she had when she was going through it. I think that I'm just getting better at putting up a strong facade to everyone on the outside. Inside, I feel weaker than ever. I still have to leave the room any time I see my husband or father with a baby or toddler---I can't handle it. I feel like I'm denying them of something they want so badly. I still lose my breath every time I see a visibly pregnant woman. And I still feel like there's no end in sight to all of this madness.

I'm all over the place

2010-08-08T17:56:00.000-07:00

So I'm pretty sure that we have no shot this month because Grouper left for his fishing trip two days before I expected to ovulate. We had one "last ditch" effort, and honestly, I didn't even think about baby-making during our little rendezvous, it was more about me saying goodbye to my husband since I won't see him for 10 days.

The on the afternoon of the day that I said goodbye, I had the most EWCM that I've seen in a couple months. I didn't find it exciting, I found it ironic.

Now my temps are all over the place. I have dotted lines for my crosshairs. I have been traveling during these past few critical days and I've woken up to take my temperature and my thermometer has felt cold to the touch, and my temps have been low.

FF has given me a O day of day 12 after I discarded today's super low temp (my thermometer was like an ice cube!), but it was previously on day 10, which makes ZERO sense, especially since my period lasted for 9 days this month.

As a sidenote, I seriously think that last month could have been a chemical pregnancy. I never took a test because I started spotting the day my period was due, but (TMI alert, y'all) normally my period is super heavy the first two or three days and then is light for three or four more. Last month, it was barely there for the first two days, and then on the third day, it was BEYOND heavy and I had the worst cramps ever. On top of that, it lasted NINE days. But I'll never know, because I didn't test.

We're giving it a go on our own for 1 more month....then it's off to the doctor for us.....I can't stand this anymore.

2010-07-28T14:01:00.000-07:00

If I see one more nonchalant, "yeah, we're expecting" FB status or read one more article about a pregnant celebrity who got pregnant "without even trying" or is having "fashion emergency" because of their new baby bump, I think I'm going to explode.

That's all.

Maybe the solution is that I need to just unplug from the computer for a couple days.

Bust.

2010-07-25T09:53:00.000-07:00

I never bothered taking that test because my temperature started the "nose-dive" yesterday morning and fell even further today. AF is here, even though so far it's just been light.

I am bummed, but I honestly can say that this time I really wasn't expecting anything different.

Next month we'll have *one shot* to get pregnant....Grouper leaves for his fishing trip (10 days in Northern Ontario without a cell phone..boo) on Aug 5th and it looks like I will most likely O around the 7th, so we'll say "farewell" in the biblical sense and see what happens.

The month after that will most likely bring OPK sticks (eww) and the month after that we're going to the doctor.

Hey, if nothing else, we have a plan.

Do I dare???

2010-07-23T07:14:00.000-07:00

My temp went back up a bit today, which I took as a good sign, I guess. Then I overlayed this month (light blue) with two previous months, and now I'm not as excited. There are no signs of spotting today, I am still really tired, and my eyes were dry again this morning. It seems I have a more sensitive smell, too, but that could be because there are lots of different smells when there are people moving all of your stuff out of your house. For example, right now, I smell stale smoke, rubber mats, cardboard boxes, and tape adhesive. Yuck. I've been sneezing a lot, too, but that could be because of all the dust that hides under furniture that hasn't been moved in three years.

I don't have any tests here...they're all under my bathroom counter in Michigan. We're leaving tonight to go there for the weekend, so I'll test either later on tonight--if I can't handle the suspense--or first thing tomorrow morning. I almost want to wait and see if my temperature does the obligatory dip. I'm really REALLY nervous for some reason!

I just can't stop analyzing my chart--yet I still can't come to a conclusion. Grouper saw it this morning and said, "I hate your charts. They're either a big fat no or a maybe, never a yes!"

Tell me about it.

CD 12

2010-07-22T07:05:00.000-07:00

Still waiting, waiting, waiting.

I'm just not really sure what to think this cycle. I really really REALLY hope this is the cycle for us, because Grouper will for sure be gone during peak time next month, so that means that we'll basically have to take a month off. I'm having some symptoms, but they're just the normal ones that I tend to have right before AF starts. The one thing that is a bit different this month is that I've had SUPER dry eyes a few mornings when I got up. I heard from a good friend that dry eyes can be an early sign of pregnancy. I'm not holding my breath, though. We're in the midst of our move (packers are coming within the hour), so I won't get to MI until Friday night. I'm planning to take a test on Saturday morning if AF hasn't shown up by then. My temps are seeming low to me...I do find it strange that I've had so many temps that are the exact same thing throughout this cycle....maybe that's a sign, too?? I was hoping today's temp would be higher than it was....that makes me think that I'm out.

Crossing my fingers.....

Being "realistic" vs. being "negative"

2010-07-16T10:50:00.000-07:00

When you've been TTC for as long as I have (yes, I realize it's been just over a year, it could be worse), it starts to become really difficult to recover after endless disappointing cycles when hopes have been riding high.

Lately I've just been telling myself, "I'm not pregnant," or, "we didn't time it too well this month," or, "I'm not going to get pregnant any time soon....why would I have any reason to think otherwise?"

Grouper says that my negative attitude probably isn't helping matters much...that I have to think positively in order to get good results.

Ha. Easy for him to say.

I, on the other hand, don't think of my attitude as being negative, I think of it as being realistic....because for the past 13 months, that's been the reality--I've been unable to get pregnant (or when I did, I didn't stay pregnant).

Looking at this fact with a realistic perspective, in my opinion, is a hell of a lot easier than thinking that I'm pregnant every single month and getting all hopeful, only to crash and burn once my period shows up.

I told Grouper the other night that if I just automatically expect the worst to happen, maybe I'll eventually be pleasantly surprised and proven wrong.

I don't see that as negativity at all.....do you?

---------------
Post script:
I mentioned in this post on my other blog that we're FINALLY going to be moving back to Michigan in the next week and a half or so. Since I've known that this is really going to happen -- which has been for about a week now-- I've had three different people come up to me and say something about how I look so well-rested or so refreshed or so relaxed or something along those lines. People NEVER say that sort of thing to me...as a matter of fact, it's usually the opposite. I'm often told how tired I look. I'm taking that as a sign that the stress is finally on the way out of our lives.....and that can only lead to good things. It's like a weight has been lifted. Look at me....I was almost positive in those last couple sentences! :)

I'm at 6dpo right now, and as I suspected, FF finally moved my CH to day 15. We'll see where this cycle takes us. In the meantime, excuse me while I move back to the U.S. :)

Spike

2010-07-12T13:42:00.000-07:00

This chart is totally messed up. The hot weather is really giving me fits with trying to chart my temps. And last night I had a few glasses of wine at a BBQ (yeah, I know I probably shouldn't have, but I haven't had any reason lately--you know, like in the last nine months--to think that I am pregnant, so I'm trying to enjoy my summer and my last few social gatherings here in Canada). When we came home, we forgot to turn the fan on and Grouper woke up at 3am sweating and turned it on, so I think wine + no fan led to the big spike.

FF is saying I O'ed on day 12...I don't believe that. I think it was on day 15 again, but I can't be sure, of course. Once we're done traveling so much, I'm going to finally break down and get some OPKs, I think. Maybe next month....we'll see.

We timed our extra-curriculars pretty well this month, but I don't really think that I'm pregnant. I've become quite the pessimist--I'm afraid to be excited or hopeful because I'm tired of being let down. With that said, I am SO tired today (even though I got at least 10 hours' sleep on Friday and Saturday nights and 8 hours last night) and I'm starving all the time. It's too early for symptoms, I tell myself. I won't have them anyway because I'm not pregnant.

As most of you know, the conversations you have with yourself after this many months of TTC can get quite interesting.

Numb.

2010-07-07T14:39:00.000-07:00

My first due date has come and gone. I haven't cried. I'm just numb to it, honestly.

I get a pang of longing/jealousy in my heart every time I see a woman out in public who is visibly getting close to her due date, but that's become the norm now. It's manageable.

I've become a "cheerleader" of sorts for my friends in the bloggy world that are getting their BFPs and progressing through their pregnancies....and that feels good. The joy that jumps out of the computer screen at me when I read their excited posts and the happiness in their faces as they hold their growing bellies makes my heart happy, surprisingly. Yes, I have my bad days, but when I see that it is possible to have a healthy pregnancy after IF and miscarriages, it's so refreshing and I hope that it will be my turn sometime soon.

I will say that I have had a great summer so far. My sister's wedding was awesome (and it was even MORE enjoyable since I was able to enjoy adult beverages), and I had a great 4th of July holiday with my family.

One thing that came out last weekend that was very unexpected but very welcomed was the fact that my mom and I had our first talk about our TTC issues. I've mentioned it here before, but my mom and dad struggled with 9 years of infertility (my mom got her BFP with me just days before their last scheduled home visit from an adoption agency) and my mom was so affected by it that she never really opened up to me about it. I don't remember how we started talking about it, I think she was curious as to what our next step is if we continue to get BFNs, so I told her what's going on and that we're most likely going to wait until we're moved back and settled and it's been a year since my first pregnancy, and if we're still at square 1 by then, we'll go to a specialist.

I did tell my mom that I am really scared of what the doctors might say to us because I'm terrified of the thought of IUIs and IVF. I am concerned about the stress that they cause, not to mention the cost and the fact that then I could have multiple children with serious health issues (not that I don't want multiples, but I don't want to be Octomom, either, you know? There's gotta be a happy medium). The way I look at it is, if it gets to that point with us and our IF journey, we would most likely choose to look into adoption - we could provide a loving home for a child who is already here that may otherwise not have the opportunity.

Anyway, it was the best talk we've ever had. She said she's really concerned about me being consumed by the stresses of infertility because it happened to her and it was one of the most difficult things that she's ever been through. A sense of relief washed over me afterwards....I guess it took some pressure off. I know my mom and dad are very understanding and would never want me and Grouper to feel like they were pressuring us to have a grandchild, and after our talk, I realize that they can totally relate and that they won't bring it up unless we want to talk about it. That's a nice feeling.

In depressing news, I had two "are you expecting?" type comments this week (someone might as well have stabbed me in the heart), and I had a friend from HS who asked me when we were going to have kids in a Facebook message. When I tried to deflect the question, she wrote back, "What exactly does that mean?", so I let her have it. I told her everything. How we've been trying for 13 months and we had a miscarriage almost nine months ago and now nothing's happening and it's very hard and frustrating. Her response? Nothing. Not a damn word. I was pissed. I mean, if she was nosy enough to ask, she should at least have enough respect to respond to my answer. And I know she got the message because she's been online since. Whatever. Oh, did I mention she's currently pregnant with child #3? Yes. Sigh.

Oh well. It is what it is. I should be ovulating on Friday or Saturday. Hopefully we'll get a good result. If not, life goes on.

A day of silence, in his honor.....

2010-07-01T00:00:00.000-07:00

FF is a MindF.

2010-06-22T08:12:00.000-07:00

Who am I kidding when I say that I'm trying not to think about the 2ww or how badly I want to be pregnant before my shoulda-been due date. (Do I sound like a broken record yet? Sorry about that.)

I did a fine job of not really thinking about timing our "extra curriculars" this month...we just did what we wanted when we wanted, which is how we got pregnant the first time. But now that I'm inching ever closer to the dreaded CD 28, I can't help but look at my chart multiple times a day and compare it to my other charts and charts that resulted in pregnancy on Fertility Friend. Even though I'm not tracking any symptoms this month besides CM and when we travel (in case my temps are affected), I've still got 49 points out of 100 on the early pregnancy signs chart. (just one more reason I decided to give in and compare my chart).

Big. Fat. Mistake. When I filtered for charts resulting in pregnancy that matched my O day, BD patterns, and post O temps, out of all the charts in the FF gallery, only ONE result was returned and it wasn't even that close to mine. When I took out the O day, I got a whopping 4 results, and three of them were people that had been TTC for 3 months or less ~~(lucky biotches)~~.

That kinda takes the wind out of my sails. I wasn't feeling super positive this cycle, but I wasn't feeling negative, either. My temps are too inconclusive right now to tell me anything, really.

Now I feel like that damn elephant that I wanna be just stomped on my heart.

Unfair.

2010-06-21T07:07:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned this before, but as the time draws nearer, I tend to think more and more about the fact that in a perfect world, I'd be at the end of my third trimester...heck, I might have even had the baby by now.

I'd be nesting and crazy and complaining about my cankles ~~(oh wait, I do that now.....)~~

But, alas, no. The baby is gone and I'm still not pregnant. I mean, yeah, I could be right now, but I won't know for sure until at least the end of this week, and I just have a feeling that I'm not.

That just really REALLY sucks. And life is so unfair. And sometimes I'm so, so, so angry.

But as we all know, bad things happen to good people. And losses happen every day, as terrible as that is. Sometimes quickly, and sometimes after long, hard, fights.

I hope that I someday have the strength and grace to handle our loss the way that Megan and Brent are handling theirs. And as my friend Ali so gracefully put it on her blog, "Heaven gained an angel and his name is Cohen." Please pray for Megan and Brent and their family.

And I'm not trying to be selfish here, but throw a little prayer in for me, too.

The Power of Positive Thinking and Prayer

2010-06-15T06:52:00.000-07:00

I dont't know if you've been following Megan's blog, most of you probably do, but if you don't, please go check it out.

After a long struggle with PCOS, Megan finally became pregnant with Cohen, and about midway through her pregnancy, she and her husband were given the devastating news that Cohen would have a long, hard road ahead of him due to some pretty serious heart defects.

Cohen was born last Monday.

He's been fighting so hard ever since.

So many people are sending positive vibes on a daily basis.

Please, join me in praying for Cohen. (I have the button on the right side of my blog if you want it).

Here's a link to the blog where you can send the love.

MIA

2010-06-10T11:37:00.000-07:00

I've been a bit MIA around this lil' ol' blog because I'm kinda trying to forget that we're TTC this month. I mean, not that I could truly forget, but I am doing the absolute bare minimum in that department this month. I'm taking my temperature just for continuity's sake, but I take it each morning, input it into FF first thing, and then I forget about it. I don't even know what cycle day I'm on right now, can you believe it? I am also tracking girly fluids a bit, but I'm honestly not even paying too much attention to that....if something "screams" blatantly at me, I will definitely take notice, but I'm kinda enjoying hanging with family and friends (we had a family wedding last week, it's my anniversary weekend this coming weekend, and my sister gets hitched in two weeks) and it's been nice to be carefree through it all. I'm sure I'll change my tune at some point this cycle, but for now, it feels good. Grouper and I do that thing married people do when we want, we don't when we don't. No scheduling or timing this month...it was pretty sad when I realized we were having less sex while trying to have a baby than we were when we weren't.

If we get a big surprise this month, that will be awesome...if we don't, well, we don't. There's not too much else I can do about it. I must say that I'm pretty excited that I'm going to be able to indulge in some adult beverages for my sister's wedding.

We've decided we'll think about the next steps when we get moved back and settled--hopefully I'll be pregnant by then and it won't be necessary.

Wow.

2010-06-09T08:29:00.000-07:00

I love it when celebs go public. Here is Constance Marie's story of her struggles with IF.

The best part of the story is that there's a happy ending!

Maybe I'm a pachyderm.

2010-06-01T14:54:00.000-07:00

A pachyderm, according to wikipedia, is a thick-skinned animal (and God knows you need thick skin to deal with all this TTC bullschuester). I have a new theory as to what my issue is.

I'm an elephant.

Yeah, that's right, a big fat elephant.

I look a lot like this one that "hid" from me at the zoo.

That's what I feel like doing a lot of the time....hiding.

Hiding from the pain of a miscarriage and month after month of negative pregnancy tests, hiding the truth from people, and hiding the fact that I'm worried we have "issues" with our ability to conceive a child.

And what really sucks is that elephants don't forget.

But see, there's yet another reason why I am comparing myself to an elephant.

Elephants have a gestation period of 22 months.

I've got a whole theory worked out here, so stay with me....At this rate, that's how long it's going to take us from start to finish to get a baby (we're already on month 12 of TTC counting the MC blip, so say I get pregnant within the next two cycles, that adds 9-10 more months, which equals:

22 MONTHS.

I'm ~~a freak~~ brilliant, right?

RIGHT?

Can you see the worried look on my face? I'd better tell Grouper to get his "trunk" a'movin! Time's a'wastin! :)

Yep, that's right, I'm worried. And if this doesn't work out soon, I'm going to morph into this pissed off ostrich and kick anything that comes near me.

With the force of 800 pounds per square inch, bitches.

Disappointed yet again.

2010-05-29T11:44:00.000-07:00

WTF is up with my body? I've said it before--cycles with BFNs are always hard, but cycles where your body and FF are basically telling you that you're pregnant (hello, I had 82 points out of 100 on the early pregnancy estimator this month), you have nothing but positivity and good feeling the entire month, and you STILL get a f-ing negative and a visit from that bitch AF are almost unbearable.

I waited until Thursday evening to take a test because I was waiting to be able to tell the Grouper the good news after not seeing him for 5 days. I waited till I got to the house here in Michigan, and had nothing but good feelings, and then when that BFN showed up, all the life just drained out of me. I can't even cry about it anymore. I haven't cried yet. It's just a total feeling of emptiness, defeat, and like I'm totally dysfunctional.

I want to quit trying. I want to stop taking temps, tracking cm, symptoms, all of it, but I'm starting to get the inkling that maybe we have real issues, and it's not going to do me any good at this point to stop tracking my temps and cm, so I'm going to keep doing that, but as for tracking symptoms and marking them down every day and paying attention to all that other BS, I'm done. I can't handle it. It always seems to result in disappointment and I'm tired of being a moping bitch every 28-30 days after yet another let down.

I just want to be a mom....why does that have to be so difficult? Seriously. It sucks.

The worst part about all of it is that all I really want is to be pregnant again before my "due date" rolls around. I was supposed to be due with the baby we lost on July 8. If I'm not pregnant by then.........I don't even want to think about how shitty I'm going to feel. And this upcoming cycle is basically our last chance for that to happen.

Cautiously hopeful.....

2010-05-24T13:12:00.000-07:00

So, this chart is still looking better than any of the other charts I've had to date. A little wind was taken out of my sails when my temp went down again this morning, but I guess I'm still above my coverline, so I should be thankful about that. I'm having a few symptoms, but nothing super annoying (well, Grouper might say differently if you asked him...I am trying my best to blame my gassiness on the dog, but hey, he's gone on business for the rest of the week and I have the house to myself, so WHATEVER!) and I am still afraid to be excited, but I am REALLY feeling good about this chart. Leslie commented the other day that some women just "know," and I'm almost thinking that maybe this is the one. I don't want to come right out and say, yeah, I know I am, because I'm scared to death to be wrong, but I'm very optimistic. I just feel very "zen" this month, which is something new for me, and I kinda like it. I'm not completely over my OCD about this whole thing, though...I just plugged in my top 4 symptoms from days 4-10dpo into FF and 63% of charts with my top 4 symptoms resulted in pregnancy......eek!

Since Grouper is on business, he has made me promise that I won't tell him if I'm pregnant til I see him in person, which isn't until Thursday evening. I was thinking of testing tomorrow because I'll be 11dpo, but if I test and it's positive, I won't be able to contain myself and I'd want to tell him right away, so I think I'm going to wait until I see him to take a test. I'm sure my temperature will tell me one way or another before I see him. These next couple days are going to crawl by, I'm sure.

Dip me!

2010-05-21T05:24:00.000-07:00

So, I got my big 1/2 degree dip this morning. I am in complete disbelief as to how good this chart looks. It is almost scary. I want to be excited, I want to test RIGHT NOW, but the earliest I can test will be Tuesday, and even then, I'm afraid of a BFN. I'm even trying to talk myself out of how good this chart looks....we always have the ceiling fan on in our bedroom, but last night we changed it from the winter setting to the summer setting and had it one level higher than we normally have it. When I shared my concern with Grouper, he said, "There's no way that little change could make your temp change a 1/2 degree." I hope he's right.

I am hoping that my temp jumps right back up tomorrow.

I really REALLY want to believe that this is my cycle.

On the up and up

2010-05-19T14:16:00.000-07:00

My temperature has risen significantly over the past five days. It's gone up almost the same amount every day and more consistently than it has in any of my previous charts. I take that as a positive thing.....hopefully it will result in a BFP. I'm trying my best to have a positive attitude but not let myself get caught up in overanalyzing every little potential symptom.

I'm also trying to eat healthier and exercise more. I've been writing down everything I've been eating for the past 3 weeks. I've lost 4 pounds and I hope to lose more.

Based on our babymaking activities over the fertile week, I think we did the best we could do in that department and I'm doing my best to just let it go and live my life until I know one way or the other. At this point, there's really nothing else we can do.

I can't wait until I am close enough to AF to test......as much as I try to let it go, I can't help but wonder.

I want to know how you would react.

2010-05-17T05:45:00.000-07:00

I posted this over on my other blog this morning. Most of you probably read both blogs, but for some of you who may not, please go check this out.

I feel like I'm beating a dead horse here, but I am so hurt by what my "friend" said to me today that I can't get it out of my head (once again, if you don't know the back story, there are links over on my other blog).

So, those of you who have suffered a loss, have you ever had someone mock your loss or use it against you in an argument?

I just told Grouper about it. He said, "Smile, hit delete, and move on. You don't need someone that toxic in your life."

So I'm going to try my best to hit delete and I'm going to pray every day that she never has to suffer through a loss, because then she'll realize exactly how hurtful her words were.

You might be TTC if.....

2010-05-10T10:49:00.000-07:00

I was in elementary school when the Jeff Foxworthy "You Might Be a Redneck if..." craze hit. I was obsessed with it....I had books, CDs, and I liked to watch his stand-up on Comedy Central. My personal favorite one was, "If seeing a sign that says Say No to Crack reminds you to pull your jeans up......you might be a redneck." Anyway, I digress. I'm going to do my own little "you might be TTC" list right now, and it all started because of a hilarious comment in an email from her this morning. I've seen a few of these around, but I'm going to put my own little spin on one for you.

If you see a HPT and feel the urge to pee all over it......you might be TTC. :) This was CF's comment this morning, I nearly fell off my chair laughing.

If you can't walk past a pregnant woman without pangs of jealousy and nearly having an anxiety attack....you might be TTC.

If the first thing you do in the morning is reach over and grab a thermometer and shove it in your mouth (or elsewhere)....you might be TTC.

If the words "mucus" and "ovulation" have become topics of daily conversation between you and your husband....you might be TTC.

If every little twinge, pain, food craving, or urge to pee is seen as a possible pregnancy symptom.....you might be TTC.

If the song "Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble puts a huge smile on your face every time you hear it....you might be TTC.

If you contemplate ~~stealing~~ "borrowing" newborn children of your friends and family just so you can inhale their newborn smell while sitting in a corner crying.....you might be TTC.

If you think shooting suppositories up in your girly business and giving yourself daily shots in the bum sounds like fun....you might be TTC.

If you're a royal bitch to everyone and their brother on Mother's Day....you might be TTC.

If your husband decides to do a min/max formula to calculate your ovulation day, but then finds he doesn't have to because he sees there already is one on your Fertility Friend page...you might be TTC.

If you begin referring to pregnant women and mothers as members of "the Dark Side" as a childish way to deal with your extreme jealousy....you might be TTC.

If you shudder when you see your husband clip his Blackberry to his belt out of fear that he is frying his swimmers....you might be TTC.

and lastly,

If you have sex scheduled for at least 2 weeks in advance......you might be TTC.

I know you all have things to add.......have at it!

Today is harder than I thought.

2010-05-09T12:28:00.000-07:00

Once again, Facebook is the devil. I know it sounds terrible, and I'll probably switch to what I'm now playfully calling the "dark side" once I'm a mother, but if I read one more "Being a mother is the best thing that's ever happened to me" message on Facebook today, I think I'm going to freak out. I mean, dagger--in heart---twisting.....ouch. So I'm not going on Facebook any more today. Nope. Because all of those mothers have a right to say what they want and be happy today. It is THEIR day. They deserve it. It just makes me miserable to think about it because I'm feeling mopey and sorry for myself, and then I feel guilty for being selfish and jealous, so I'll steer clear today.

I was fine yesterday hanging out with Grouper's family until fertile SIL with 4 kids, all conceived on the first try, tells me once again that Grouper and I need to have like four or five kids. My response, "Um, I'd be happy with just one right now and at this point, that's hard enough for me to accomplish." To which she retorted, "You need to just relax and quit thinking about it." And my mother in law chimed in, "Yeah, it'll happen in God's good time. He's just granting the wish that you had a long time ago---not to be pregnant in Canada." Wow, thanks, ladies! Such sensitive and thoughtful words of encouragement! I then took my 3 month old niece and just cuddled her for about an hour in a chair, secretly wishing she was mine, trying not to totally lose it.

We were just out at Home Depot picking up some things for the house, and I saw 3 huge pregnant women waddling around the store and about a dozen other happy families with cute little babies. I felt like I did shortly after my MC--wanting to hyperventilate and run out of the store every time I see a baby bump. I took some deep breaths and kept going.

Now I'm just numb. Not wanting to go anywhere or do anything.

And I thought I was going to be fine today. Who was I kidding?

I want my life back. I'm tired of being a semi-depressed and sometimes psycho TTC'er.

Ok, that's out of my system. I'm letting it go now. At least my puppy loves me and is spending Mother's Day with me. :)

I think I'll go shopping now. Retail therapy always helps.

My thoughts on Mother's Day

2010-05-07T12:03:00.000-07:00

I am not really sure how I'm going to feel when Sunday rolls around.

In a perfect world, I'd still be eight months pregnant and would be anxiously awaiting the arrival of our first-born child.

But, as we all know, life isn't perfect. I'm not sure if I'm going to have a major meltdown on Sunday or not...right now, I'm feeling pretty good and I'm trying to look at this coming Sunday in a positive light---as the last Mother's Day I'll spend without a child of my own.

In the meantime, I'll shower my mom and my mother-in-law with love and appreciation for all they do for me and my husband.

I wish all of you mothers and mothers to be a Happy Mother's Day. For all of you who are in the same boat as I am---NEXT YEAR IS OUR YEAR! :)

Stick a fork in me.

2010-04-30T08:23:00.000-07:00

I'm done.

No, really....stick a fork in me. A huge pitchfork or something. It would hurt less than month after agonizing month of TTC, a miscarriage, and more failed TTC.

It's probably just my hormones talking, because you know, I STARTED MY PERIOD THIS MORNING...but I'm really really REALLY tired of temping, peeing on sticks, and obsessing over this. I am pissed off because I can't figure out how some people can get pregnant "accidentally" while hundreds of thousands of others try and try and nothing happens. Bottom line....I'm pissed that I am not still pregnant right now. I should be in my third trimester, had I not lost the baby. And where am I instead? In the middle of nowhere with no end in sight.

And I told Grouper last night that if I weren't paying for 40 more days of FF, I'd probably be jumping off of that ship for a while, too, because its interpretation of last month did nothing for me at all and I don't think it was anywhere close to accurate.

OPKs sound like my next logical step, and I probably will eventually take that route, but I think it just lends to me obsessing about this. And I'm tiring of obsessing. I'm tired of this running my life, because no matter what I say or if I try to convince myself otherwise, it is. It's turned me into a nervous, bitter, uptight person---I am seriously a miserable human being these days. Almost always. And that's not me.

So.....CD 1 AGAIN. Joy.

Sorry that I'm so bitter and feeling so sorry for myself today, but sometimes you just have those kinda days. Today is one of them for me.

Uh......

2010-04-29T05:06:00.000-07:00

So I put in my temp this morning, which was 97.33 (below my original coverline). I was super bummed because we're most likely out another cycle with a temp that low. But when I entered my temp this morning, a message popped up saying that based on this temperature, FF moved my ovulation day back to day ELEVEN and dropped my coverline from 97.43 to 97.15, and now it says that I am 16 dpo and that I should test.

I don't know whether to be really excited or really confused.

How can my ovulation day be a WEEK earlier than previous charts?

I guess I'll be testing at lunch......maybe.

Low on the temps, High on the symptoms

2010-04-27T09:20:00.000-07:00

And yet I'm still not sure what that means ~~and I'm too chicken to test because I am tired of rejection in the form of a BFN~~. I'm at 11 dpo, so technically I could test, but I just can't. Not yet.

I have been absolutely exhausted for the past four days. That could be partially because I have been in the car for approximately 14 hours over those days, visited family and friends, helped with my sister's baby shower, and have spent 6 hours visiting my FIL in the hospital. We have the 4 hour car ride back to Canada tonight. Joy.

I've been extremely cranky and irritable over the past four days as well. That could also be because of all of the patience I tend to lose with said family and friends and stupid drivers on the road.

I've also been starving. Like, "oh-my-goodness-I'm-going-to-rip-your-head-off-if-you-try-to-butt-in-front-of-me-in-the-food-line" hungry. But see, I tend to be hungry when I'm stressed.

And my boobs hurt. But I'm due to start AF in a few days, and that sometimes is a little telegram she sends me to let me know she's on the way.

And I have a headache. But hey, it's allergy season, y'all!

All of those symptoms sound promising, yes? At least somewhat? Well....my temperatures over the past few days.....not so much. They've been dropping. I've slept in 3 different places since Thursday. That makes it hard to track your temperature....my house in Canada is kept at about 71, my parents' house is kept at about 74 (it's so hard to sleep there), and our Michigan house is averaging around 68.

So once again, everything going on with me can be explained at least two ways.

I am so sick of all this shit. Yes, I'm whining, but seriously, I've had enough of scheduling sex, dodging "when are you going to have kids" questions, worrying about symptoms, thinking about TTC, going through 2wws....all of it.

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO DIFFICULT????

The stair-step effect

2010-04-20T08:31:00.000-07:00

Ok, so FF still says that O day was day 14....but if you'll notice, my crosshairs are dotted, which they say is because the CM and the temperatures aren't coinciding. I am totally mystified by the fact that I've had the same temperature for 2 days in a row 3 times in a row. And this is the 4th time this cycle that I've had the exact same temp for 2 consecutive days. My chart looks like a staircase! That is so weird! Grouper and I did the deed in the early morning of day 15 (based on me listening to the signs my body was giving me) and the late night of day 16, and we're planning to do it again tonight. I, by the way, hate having to "schedule" sex....I'm so over all of that.

Anyway, I checked the chart gallery on FF and I found only one chart that is like mine that resulted in pregnancy. I would lie if I said that my hopes aren't majorly dashed, but I am keeping my fingers crossed that I have a temp spike tomorrow and that my crosshairs move and become a solid line. :)

Did we miss it?

2010-04-19T06:36:00.000-07:00

So we developed the game plan at the end of last cycle with hopes that by making our extracurriculars less frequent, we'd have better swimmer quality. Sounds good, right?

We refrained from relating maritally for 5 days, which is atypical for us. We caved on Saturday morning (CD 15), not only from temptation, but also because I was feeling some cramping/back pain and thought maybe it was a bit of ovulation pain. Our original plan was to wait until Sunday and then go every other day until the spike.

Last night, I slept horribly. Like, so horribly that I only got 4 hours' sleep. When I temped this morning, my temp was up enough that I got crosshairs. On CD 14. Which means that technically, we missed it. I'm just hoping that FF will move my O day a couple days this cycle (just like it has in the 2 previous cycles). The high temp could be because I didn't get any restful sleep. Yeah, that's it. :) That's what I'm telling myself, anyway. Time will tell.

I had a rough weekend sentimentally. I reverted back to almost crying every time I saw a pregnant woman out and about, which I haven't done for months. I think it's because I saw a post from this blog and remembered that her due date is 7 days before what my due date would have been. Seeing her belly pics and picturing myself at that point in a pregnancy really made my heart hurt. If things would have worked out, I'd be almost to my third trimester.....maybe I'd even be in my third trimester, I'm not sure. Bah. I have to quit thinking like that.

So....here's to a BFP this cycle (and hoping that my O day gets moved!)

Licensed to Breed

2010-04-14T04:53:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this is going to sound terrible and awful and totally like something that comes out of the mouth of a bitter person who is having a few trials and tribulations in the babymaking department, but I'm gonna say it.

Sometimes I wonder if there should seriously be a written test that people have to take and pass with flying colors before being allowed to have children.

Am I saying this because I'm jealous of people with children? No. I'm saying this because there are so many cases (on TV, in the news, and even amongst people I'm acquainted with) in which some people just should be forbidden to procreate. The children are the ones who end up suffering and paying the price for their parents' poor decision-making. I'm not saying those people shouldn't procreate EVER (well, some of them shouldn't), but I am saying that I find it completely unjust that people who are as prepared as one can possibly be and can give a child everything they need (I'm not necessarily talking about just myself here, I'm talking about the HUNDREDS and THOUSANDS of people who struggle with IF) aren't able to have children when some people who are complete deadbeats and child abusers have many, many, many children and then scar the kids for life in more ways than one. I know, that sounds terrible to say, doesn't it? Too bad. I don't say things like that without having a few examples to back me up. Here are a few cases that back up my point that I've heard of just recently.

Case 1: A guy in Indiana (who lives quite close to where I grew up) was just arrested for locking his 10 year old son with special needs in his basement EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT for six months. They found bodily waste in every room of the house and in close proximity to the deflated air mattress that the boy was sleeping on each night. He didn't even have a pillow, he used a balled up sweatshirt. Not only that, the father had LEFT HIM at the house with notes on what to do to take care of himself while he went to Florida for a few days. And this guy has a kid? (Here's a link to the news story if you don't believe me.....it's disgusting.)

Case 2: Backstory: When I wasn't working, I became hooked on some crappy talk shows, one being Dr. Phil, and they had a family that they focused on regularly. Ok, anyway--He's still focusing on them, and the daughter of this family, who is 22, has two children with two different men. She got pregnant with the first one when she was 14, the second when she was 20. She is no longer with either of the fathers--the second father just got out of jail. Both children are in custody of their grandparents due to allegations of both drug use by her and abuse of her children by someone, but she's denying it was her or anyone associated with her. She's fighting to get custody back, but she is now pregnant with a THIRD baby by a third guy, who the lawyers have advised to move out of the house while she's trying to get custody of the other two. She doesn't have a steady job or income, and even though everyone is telling her to move closer to where her children are in order to be closer to them, she's choosing to ignore them and stay in the house with her new fiance. I know I shouldn't watch this crap, but it's like a train wreck, I can't look away. Anyway....she doesn't have money to provide for the two children she has, they aren't in her custody, AND she's pregnant again? REALLY!?!?!?!

Case 3: There's a girl I went to high school with who got married right after college. Shortly after her wedding, when she and her husband were just starting to get established in an apartment and their new jobs, she found out she was pregnant. She told everyone that "the pharmacy gave her placebo birth control" and that it was an accident and she wasn't even sure she wanted kids for years. All she did was complain about being pregnant. She had a beautiful daughter. A year and a half later, she was pregnant again. This time? She was on antibiotics and her birth control "didn't work." All she did was complain about how they had no money and how being a mom was great, but she missed not being able to go out and party with everyone else, blah blah blah. She gave birth to a beautiful son. Her husband lost his job. She was staying home with the kids to save money on childcare. Her daughter had some health problems, her son had to get tubes in his ears. Eventually, she and the kids moved 2 hours north to live with her mom while her husband looked for work. What happened next? She got pregnant AGAIN!! This time with a girl. So she is 26 with three kids, and now all she does is complain about how tired she is or how one kid got into such and such and wrecked it, or how they're all sick, or they don't have money, or they don't have a babysitter, or blah blah blah. Um, hello? I just want to smack people like that for so many reasons.

I could go on forever, but I won't.....this rant is getting long enough, but I will say this:

My point here: I am NOT wishing infertility on anyone...quite the contrary. I realize that there is never a *perfect* time to have children and it's not always possible to "plan" for their arrival, but at the same time....once kids are here, they're not only a BLESSING, they are also a huge responsibility, and whether the new parents like it or not, their lives have just changed forever and they must adjust accordingly. I get SO ANGRY at people who don't realize what a precious gift they have been given. So angry that they could abuse those gifts, neglect those gifts, deprive their gifts of what those children rightfully deserve. So angry that they have the opportunity of a lifetime that so many other people hope and pray for endlessly and never receive--and then they squander it. So angry that people choose trivial things over their children. I guess it all boils down to the fact that sometimes, bad things happen to good people and sometimes good things happen to bad people, and that's just the way the world works.

But I still say--IT'S NOT FAIR.

Thanks for reading. Rant over. :)

The long, boring stretch.

2010-04-13T08:51:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted much around here lately....probably because there's nothing much to report. We're just in that stretch of the cycle where I'm not fertile and haven't ovulated yet.....I guess you could consider it waiting for the 2 week wait. Ugh.

As I reported in my game plan post, we're going to try to "save up" this month until very close to ovulation day, and then go for the gold. I don't know if there's any merit to this or not, but hey, I'm up for trying anything at this point. Grouper is also taking vitamin C each day, so hopefully that will help our chances a bit, too.

Grouper is already making little joking comments about how I need to hurry up and get pregnant so that we don't have to schedule sex or restrain ourselves anymore. :) He's so funny and so supportive...I couldn't get through all of this mumbo jumbo without him!

Lastly.....a big congrats to Al from Mission: Motherhood who got a very sneaky BFP recently!!! YAY, AL!!! I'm wishing you the best of luck! I like that I have been able to congratulate people lately....keep em' coming, ladies!

The Game Plan

2010-04-08T11:31:00.000-07:00

Now that I have two complete FF charts, I feel a lot more confident that Grouper and I will get our BFP sooner rather than later. My past two cycles "on paper" are a lot different than I had previously perceived my cycles to be when I wasn't officially keeping track....they're a couple days longer, and I apparently ovulate later in the cycle than I ever would have guessed. Even though I haven't gotten pregnant again yet, I am very grateful that these two cycles were at least similar - now it's only a matter of timing!

The plan for this month is that we're going to hold off the best we can on our "extracurricular marital activities" until very close to the expected ovulation day, which I'm projecting to be either day 17 or 18. It has been brought to my attention by a few of my friends (who know what they're talking about because they're either pregnant right now or have been recently) that Grouper and I may not be giving his swimmers enough time to build up and be strong enough to make the journey because we have too much sex. :) Oops, what can I say? We like each other....a lot. I guess we can find other ways to express that so that we can finally have a baby!

It took us approximately 5 cycles the first time we tried for us to get pregnant, and this is cycle 5 since we've been trying post m/c, and 5 is my lucky number, so I'm feeling pretty good.

Shout out!

2010-04-07T12:29:00.000-07:00

I wanted to give my great bloggy friend, Crossed Fingers, a HUGE CONGRATULATIONS for getting her BFP today! Yay! If you're up to it, stop on over and leave some well wishes!

Next year....

2010-04-03T13:50:00.000-07:00

Well, due to the arrival of AF today, it looks like I won't be a mom until 2011. I guess I'm ok with that...reading Secret Sloper's "Positive Bullshit" post helped me to try to have a better outlook on things, so I figured I'd come up with a few of my own.....

My "Positive Bullshit" contributions:

1) I can drink for the NCAA games tonight. Yay!
2) I won't be huge and obnoxiously pregnant during the summer...hopefully I'll be that way in the winter of this year, yes?
3) I will be able to enjoy the holidays with my family without having to worry about either a)packing up a new baby and all his/her belongings or b)which family members will or will not make the trek to see us and the brand new baby.
4) Yeah. That's about it. But the first three were good.

Game over

2010-04-02T07:26:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure I'm out this cycle. Even though I wasn't expecting anything, as usual, I'm disappointed. If I'm being truthful, I was kinda expecting something due to a few symptoms I've had for the past couple days. We're in Michigan today--we got in last night. Since it was so nice outside last night, we slept with the windows open. When I woke up this morning to take my temp, I was shivering, so when I saw my temp was a bit low, I thought I'd take a test anyway just in case where I was sleeping was having an effect on it. I don't think I'm going to buy those stupid digital ones anymore. Seeing the words "Not Pregnant" seems a lot harsher than one line instead of two. CM is still not showing any signs of spotting or AF.

I'm bummed. Way bummed.

Tonight, I think I shall go bowling and drink beer with friends we haven't seen in a few months. That will make me feel better for at least a little while.

There's still hope.

2010-04-01T08:01:00.000-07:00

I really wish I could figure out how to post the chart without having to do it with a link. Every time I try that it screws everything up.

Anyway, here it is. Temp is down just a bit from yesterday, but I'm still above the coverline....fingers are crossed!

My Chart

Oh, my aching head.

2010-03-31T09:00:00.000-07:00

I didn't go to work today. I probably could have. But see, I have this headache. You know, the kind where you feel like your eyes are gonna bust out of your head and your teeth hurt.

I hate having sinus issues.....I'm pretty sure it's all because of the weather change going on...every time it goes from cold to warm or warm to cold outside, I get headaches like this.

But you know, I can't help but think in the back of my mind.....could there be another reason for this headache?

I was up to pee two times last night after going to bed. I didn't drink all that much more than normal.

My boobs are a little sore. I've been really tired the past three days. My temp went up from yesterday.

I hate symptoms that could mean everything or nothing.

I'm going to lay down now.

I heart Celine

2010-03-30T13:57:00.000-07:00

I am watching Celine Dion on Oprah right now...I'm not sure if it's new or a rerun, but it's new to me!

She is very open about her miscarriages and failures with IVF--apparently she's on her 5th try right now.

Her attitude is so refreshing and she's so positive and upbeat, despite the fact that all of her struggles are so public. I wanna be like her when I grow up. :)

2010-03-30T06:06:00.000-07:00

My Chart - CD 27

Here's my chart as of today. I'm feeling fairly normal, just tired - - but I'm pretty sure that's due to the vacation we just finished...I always find it difficult to get back into the routine after a long time off. I've also noticed a bit of tenderness in my chesticles, but that's kinda typical for where I am in my cycle. I've been making notations of every little twinge I've had, but I do that more because I sit here and overanalyze everything out of boredom....work is a bit monotonous since I've been back.

I'm not getting my hopes up this cycle, but maybe that's for the best...I must admit that my SIL's miscarriage has me a bit paranoid and freaked out right now. I know it shouldn't, but I guess since I've been there, the thought that it's possible that it could happen again is really REALLY scary.

And the wait continues.....

Sad.

2010-03-29T08:49:00.000-07:00

SIL just texted me from the doctor's office...she did indeed have another miscarriage. My heart is absolutely breaking for her. Two in a row has got to be hard to handle, because I was devastated by one. She's a very, VERY strong person, but I think it's going to be hard, because she told the entire immediate family and she and my BIL had just told their 4 year old twins the night before she miscarried. I'm so sad. It just brings back so many emotions and I just ache for her. She had some cysts removed after the last MC, so she was supposed to be all clear...I wonder if there was a "cause" this time, or if it was just a fluke like mine...either way, it SUCKS.

Please keep her in your prayers for a while longer, if you don't mind.

I need prayers.

2010-03-28T10:30:00.000-07:00

My SIL just called me. She's got some light bleeding going on this morning. She's at about the same point in her pregnancy as she was when she lost the last one....almost seven weeks. She doesn't know whether it's normal bleeding or if it's the beginning of an MC, but she said it's reminding her a lot of what happened last time. She's calling the doctor tomorrow morning first thing.

Please keep her in your prayers......

Chart Update

2010-03-25T20:05:00.000-07:00

My chart is wonky AGAIN this month.

At first, it was looking good. After the ewcm encounter that I took advantage of a week and a half ago, I was feeling pretty good about everything. FF promptly predicted that I had ovulated on CD 14, which corresponded perfectly with my CM and how I was feeling.

Hah. No such luck. I put my temp in a couple days ago, and it moved my ovulation day to CD 18. FOUR DAYS past what I originally thought and what FF originally marked. Here's what the chart looks like now. Take note of what CD 14 looked like as well. That was the original O day.

My Ovulation Chart

Has anyone else had FF move their ovulation day? What effect did it have on the outcome of your chart?

I'm just so frustrated. I am finding it difficult to figure out what's going on with my body when FF has changed my ovulation day both months I've been using it. Last month, it was only a discrepancy of two days. This month, it's four days. Today, I would be 8 dpo based on the original chart. Now, I'm 4 dpo. I don't really feel any different....no major symptoms going on, so is that because I'm not pregnant or because it's too early? I'm also worried that my temps could be messed up this month because I've slept in my bed, at my in-laws', and in 4 different hotel rooms this week alone, and obviously the temperature and sleeping conditions are going to be different in each place. I've also been having a few beers here and there, which can influence temps.

Being on vacation this week has been a really nice distraction, but the closer I get to home, the more pressure I'm starting to feel. I'm going to see my SIL on Saturday...we're going to a Taylor Swift concert together. It'll be the first time I've seen her since she told me about her BFP. I'm sure that will be a bit of an emotional rollercoaster....I'm just hoping and praying that I don't make a fool of myself or show my disappointment that I'm not pregnant/jealousy that she is pregnant blatantly on my face.

More to come once I'm back home.

Grr.

I'm off...

2010-03-19T10:04:00.000-07:00

We leave today for a week's vacation.....we're going to Cleveland for a wedding, then to PA, then to DC, then back to Ohio. It's a much-needed break for both me and the Grouper. The last time we went away and had time to ourselves without the stresses of everyday life to bog us down, I came back pregnant. I'm hoping that is the case this time. I'm pretty sure it's "prime time" right now....I haven't seen ewcm since the other day when I posted about it, but signs are still looking good.

My Ovulation Chart

I'll miss all of you, and I'll be back soon!

"I'm calling you with hope."

2010-03-17T05:15:00.000-07:00

Those were the words my sister-in-law said to me last night when I answered the phone, right before she told me she is pregnant.

At first, I just sat there. Then I said, "What?!?" because she had just told me the other day that they were out of the running for this month. I guess not. She said she started feeling weird last night so she took a test, and she's pregnant. It'll be a Turkey baby, due in late November.

I initially got really upset, but of course I was on the phone with her, so I couldn't show it. I shouldn't be upset at all. I'm very happy for her, just unhappy for me, which is totally selfish and unfair of me to do. She had a miscarriage a couple months before I did and had to have cysts removed back in September and she's just now pregnant. She knows what road I'm on right now. Even though she was trying to encourage me that there is hope, and yes, I do believe that....I can't help but feel that the pressure is really on now. The one ally I had in the family, the one who understands what's going on, has switched to "the other side." Maybe I should give her more credit than that, but I can already hear the words coming out of her mouth---"Hurry up and get pregnant already!"

I want nothing more than to be pregnant with her. They live very close to us in Michigan, so when we move back, we'll see a lot of each other, and we're really good friends. She'll probably be totally compassionate, but I can't say the same for my fertile myrtle SIL and my MIL. You know, the ones who told me, "If you just relax and stop worrying, it'll happen" when they saw me telling my now-pregnant SIL about FF. "Why are you worried about taking your temperature? That's a waste of time?" And yes, there was a time when I felt the same way, but now I just find the comment to be very off-putting and ignorant. (If I ever made any comments like that to anyone, I'm hereby apologizing.)

So that makes three pregnancy announcements I've heard since last Friday....and I was doing so well about being relaxed and not stressed. Now I'm stressed again. And bummed. But very excited for a new niece or nephew......my SIL already has twins and she had a very difficult pregnancy, so she told me to cross my fingers that it's just one baby this time. I was thinking, "I'll take the other one."

Sigh. Thank goodness Grouper and I leave for vacation on Friday. I need some MAJOR relaxation.

I am proud to say that I haven't cried, though. Let's see how long I can keep that streak alive.

Branching out

2010-03-16T07:18:00.000-07:00

I haven't done this in a really long time, but today I decided to sit down and write a feature post for Stage of Life.com, a website that serves as a forum for people of all ages and features blogs, discounts, and stories from a variety of contributors from all over the place.

I wrote a little post about life after a M/C. You can read it by clicking here.

If you're interested in blogging for them, please check out Stage of Life blog and get in contact with the CEO, Eric. He is great to work with and is always looking for more bloggers to contribute to the site! I haven't seen too many TTC bloggers contributing there, so hurry up and go! :)

Afternoon Delight

2010-03-15T12:32:00.000-07:00

We went home to eat lunch today, as we do on most days, and while there, (warning, TMI alert!) I discovered that I had ewcm.....like, more-so than I've ever noticed before. The last time I noticed something like that, I ended up pregnant, and like last time, it is happening really early in my cycle (I'm at CD 12, and I didn't ovulate last month until CD 17).

I immediately came out of the bathroom and told the Grouper, "Um, you and I need to have sex. Right now."

He raised his eyebrows and said, "Sure....do you think I'd ever turn down a statement like that?"

So we ate our grilled cheese sandwiches and went upstairs and did the wild thing.

There are perks to having the same lunch hour as your husband, folks. People joke around with us about it all the time.

So, anyway....I'm hoping that we covered our bases for today.....and I totally sang "oooooh, sky rockets in flight....ooooooh, afternoon delight!" when it was over. Not joking. You'll think that's funny if you've seen them sing it acapella in the movie Anchorman.

Here's the latest chart--nothing out of the ordinary so far.

My Chart

Enough already

2010-03-10T11:27:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, a male coworker said to me:

"So, where are the babies?"

Me: "Excuse me?"

"Where are the babies? You've been married almost two years, isn't it about time?"

I laughed it off and said I don't try to plan things like that, they'll happen when they happen.

My boss yesterday:
"So, are you sure Grouper's ok? He stills seems a little bummed."
Me: "Yeah, I think he's fine, but then again, I'm a bit bummed myself, so maybe I haven't noticed." (not really the right thing to say, but whatever).
Her: "Maybe you need to go out for drinks one night."
Me: "Can't, I gave it up."
Her: "You really gave up alcohol to get pregnant?"
Me: "No just for Lent, but I broke it once because I had a bad day."
Her: "Why?"
Then I made the mistake of telling her about how my period was three days late and I was so upset when it came. It all just kinda came out, I didn't mean to tell her.

But I'm hoping maybe the fact that I did will let her know to back the f*** off with asking me about it and about Grouper and me and everything. I just don't need that.

Today, a female coworker:
"Are you pregnant?" Staring right at my stomach.
Me: "No, I'm just fat."
"Are you sure?"
Me: "Yep, scout's honor. But when I am, I'll let you know." stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp back to my desk.

ENOUGH ALREADY. SERIOUSLY.

I hate this place enough as it is, all of these comments that they consider to be small talk and appropriate conversation are going to eventually send me right off the deep end.

What the smell is that?

2010-03-09T09:00:00.000-08:00

Sitting where I sit here at work, I'm often subjected to quite the array of smells.

People who forget to shower, people's lunches, cigarette smoke from the clothes of our smoking patrons, coffee, tea, perfume, cleaning products, you name it.

The worst one at this very moment: The turkish coffee of the guy who sits in the office behind my desk. When he walks by from making it, I just want to gag.

When I was pregnant, the first thing I noticed was the fact that I could smell absolutely everything from a mile away. I'm just hoping that when it happens next time, the smells don't turn my stomach enough to make me hurl, because I'm already to that point now and I'm not even pregnant!

Ewww.

Courtesy of my Google Reader....

2010-03-08T12:05:00.000-08:00

A very informative post that tells of one woman's struggles with IF.