Two posts in a day is unheard of......

Good news.

I got a phone call from my doctor's office today.  My doctor is going to be out of the office on the day of my original appointment, so I got an earlier one.

I now go to the doctor on October 5th.....that's next Tuesday.

I am SO excited (and so nervous) to finally get to see her.  I hope that she will have some insight into what might be going on with me/us and we can get going on whatever we need to do next!

Maybe this will cure my baby fever for a bit.....

I doubt it will, but it's worth a shot.  I've never had a puppy this little before.  We don't get to bring her home for three more weeks, but I guess that once we do, we'll be up with her every hour at night to let her out. 

If nothing else, maybe it'll take my mind off of everything else. 

It's Pity Party Day....table for one, please.

CD 1.  Again.

I'm feeling very alone today.

Feeling helpless because it's obvious that we're not going to be able to do this without the help of a doctor, drugs, treatments (well, most likely a mixture of all of the above).

Another reason that I'm feeling so alone is that out of 28 TTC blogs that are on my list, all but three are now pregnant or have had their babies.

I'm happy for all of you who have been blessed.......SO HAPPY for you.  You all completely deserve it.

But I feel like the wallflower left in the corner.  The last kid picked for a game of dodgeball.  The runt of the litter that no one wants.  I can't help it, I just do.  I've been having a harder time saying, "Congratulations" and seeing belly pics and commenting on pregnancy blogs in the past few weeks.  Please don't take it personally.  It's just me dealing with my own demons.  I was supposed to get out of the environment we were in while living and Canada and relax (which I felt like I have) and then the last piece - me getting pregnant - was supposed to fall into place.  I've been home since late July.  That last piece is still missing.  And it gets harder for me to swallow the more time that goes by. 

Last night we had the yearly family discussion about how gifting will go for Christmas.  It's a huge production because there are 8 kids on Grouper's side of the family.  We were basically told (or I guess I should say, it was alluded to) that we are the ones who foul up the process they want to use because "we don't have kids."  Otherwise all the kids would just draw the name of one of their cousins.......but Grouper pitches a fit about that because we want to buy for our nieces and nephews, but they (being his siblings) don't feel like it's fair that we buy for all 8 when they aren't.  It's petty and stupid, of course, but it did nothing more to me last night than break off another piece of my heart and put another huge spotlight on the fact that we're infertile at the moment.  We're defective.  Thanks for the reminder.

On top of all of it, I had the worst nights' sleep of my life last night.......so I'm having AF symptoms, feeling sorry for myself, tired, and alone all day.  That's probably for the best.

I hearby apologize for the whining rant above.  But it has to be let out somewhere or I will explode.
October 12 is less than a month away.  We WILL get answers.  We WILL have a baby.

We WILL have a baby.

CD 12

Negative test this morning.

Yeah, it's early, but pretty sure I'm not KU.

Blech.

On to the doctor's office......I guess I'll start counting down the days to the appointment and make sure I have all of my "ammunition" ready.  Charts, questions, whatever.

I never thought our TTC journey would be like this.  I mean, I know mine isn't as bad as a lot of people's, but it's still hard and it still sucks.

A "Yikes" Moment that made me giggle.

I woke up this morning at around 7am.  Big deal, right?  So what?

When I woke up, my thermometer was still hanging out of my mouth from taking my temperature.  AN HOUR PREVIOUSLY.

Yeah, you know you've been TTC too long when something as ridiculous as that happens. 

I guess I'm just impressed with my coordination---and the fact that I didn't choke to death.  :)

I'm 6dpo on my last cycle before I see the doctor.  I'm feeling unbelievably calm....or maybe it's just me feeling numb, because I know at this point there's nothing else I can do this cycle.  I'm either pregnant or I'm not. 

I think we timed things about as well as we possibly could have.  FF originally gave me my O day as day 14, but I knew that wasn't right because I actually used OPKs this cycle.  Those little things are pretty neat, I must say.  I found it strange that I actually got a positive result two different days, because I didn't feel any different at all, except for the fact that I was extra hot for Grouper's bod one of those days...hehe.  We used Preseed on the two nights that I had positive OPKs, so I guess it's "away we go" from here.  Yes, I still look at my potential due dates on FF, and if I'm pregnant this cycle, my due date will be June 1.  I'm supposed to be in a wedding on June 25, so I figure it'll either happen this month or next. 

Random thing happened to me yesterday.....I am weird and take things like this as a sign.  I was in Grouper's new car and I was trying out the SYNC system (which is FANTASTIC, btw) and I said to play music from Glee.  The song that came on first was "You're Having My Baby."  I must admit I raised my eyebrows a bit.

Also, I almost outed myself as an "infertile" yesterday on Facebook.  Some chick I went to high school is pregnant with #3, and her status went something like this:  "Day 2 of nauseousness, headaches, and puking.  I LOVE being pregnant!"  Oh.Sweet.Lord.  I almost commented right back, but instead I just made my status something about how people should think before they speak or type their FB statuses, and of course one of my friends wanted me to elaborate, so I just said that I was tired of people acting like their lives were so horrible and that they had such BURDENS when what they consider to be a burden could be a huge blessing to another person.  I am sure some of my friends figured out what I was referring to.  Whatever.  I don't care anymore. 

Even if I don't get pregnant any time soon, I'm going to have a new "baby" for sure next month.  Our puppy was born last Tuesday, and we get to go pick her from the litter next weekend.  I am beyond excited!

Reality check

We bought a new car this week.

As we were sitting there with our salesman finalizing the deal, a lady walked in....she looked about 16-20 weeks pregnant. She handed our salesman some keys and he looked up with this look of complete love and said, "Thanks, sweetheart."

As she walked away, he told us that the lady we had just seen was his wife, and that she was working for the car dealership driving cars back and forth during her pregnancy since she was high-risk. He then said that they had lost three babies (the first one was a stillbirth at 7.5 months, followed by 2 miscarriages), so that it was very important that she took it easy.

Since I had this huge lump in my throat and had to stare at the floor to keep from crying, Grouper then said, "Wow, that's really rough. I'm sorry. We've been going through some of the same stuff ourselves, although not as extreme." That surprised me, in a way....I've never heard him mention any of our TTC issues to anyone other than me.

I immediately had to look down again to keep from tearing up. The salesman asked what happened, and Grouper told him that we had a loss last October and that we were still trying. The salesman told us the story of the loss of their son last summer and told us how they had just kept their faith and that eventually the love, support, and strength that they had for each other and in their marriage had pulled them through. He said they're obviously not out of the woods yet, but they keep as positive of an attitude as they can and take things day by day.

It was so refreshing and amazing to see the strength and positivity that just oozed out of this guy's every pore. It made me realize that we can do this, and even though things are hard now and could get harder, we still have each other. The rest will fall into place at some point.....I just have to remember that the time line isn't up to me.