Monday, February 28, 2011

Fears and worries for my future child/children

There have been so many things in the news and on TV lately that have really gotten the wheels in my head turning about what life will be for my future child or children.

I know it might seem weird, but I think about this stuff a lot.  I already love the child that we'll someday have - so much. Ultimately just want my child to be HAPPY and to dream big and achieve everything that he or she will set her mind to.

I saw this show that Lisa Ling did called Our America: Transgender Lives.  It focused on children that were born as one sex but in their heads, identify as the opposite sex.  I find it so fascinating and I cannot imagine how hard it must be for the transgendered person and for the loved ones who are around to (hopefully) support them on their journeys to figure out who they really are.  I was so inspired by how the people on the show transformed themselves and were supported by those around them - but I can't imagine how it must have been for some of those people when they left the comfort of their own home and those around them who understood the situation and had to face "society,"  which is often cruel and judgmental.

I have seen shows about people who are gay and have no support from their families and many end up depressed, suicidal, and alone.  Others are totally accepted.  I think I would be able to accept any struggles my child would have and I would support anything, no matter what.  Especially since we're going through all of this to become parents.  But I worry constantly about my husband (as much as I love him, he's sometimes a bit old-fashioned and close-minded on things) because some of the comments he makes at times aren't as tolerant as they could be.  I'm sure that we'll have arguments and will have to compromise and meet in the middle, because the only important thing is that the child we have is healthy, happy, and feels loved and accepted. 

I know that situations like the ones I described above are extreme - but there are tons of everyday struggles that parents go through that I'm sure I haven't even thought about yet. Peer pressure, bullying, underage drinking, substance abuse, choosing friends, broken hearts, broken bones.......

I guess that once we're finally past this set of struggles, there will be a whole new set to conquer.  I never really thought about that until very recently.

But I CANNOT wait.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

It's been awhile


Sorry for the absence, I really just haven't felt like writing, as we're still stuck in the fertility treatment cyclone and there's no sign of when we'll get out.

It just gets hard.  I feel so unsure - not really optimistic or pessimistic, just unsure and scared of how long this will take before something positive happens.  I just feel like so many of the major life decisions for us have been up in the air for three years.  First it was being in Canada and not knowing when we could come home - and we couldn't talk about it to too many people, because it was kinda "on the down low."  Then it was me getting my job situation resolved.  Then it all went back to trying to get pregnant, and that too is kinda "on the down low," as it is with most people who are doing fertility treatments.  It's just hard.

I really had a great 2ww last month - I wasn't too preoccupied with what would happen, I had lots ot things to keep my mind off of it, and I was feeling great.  Then AF was a day late and of course my temps screwed with my head, and when AF finally did come, I was so angry.  So, so, SO angry.  Why can't it just work out for us once?  I am past wanting more than one child.  I just want one of our own, if that's possible.  I won't do this again once it works out for us, we'll adopt if we decide we want more than one child.  I find this stressful enough as it is with just the two of us - I feel like it takes my focus away from Grouper when it shouldn't, and I can't imagine going through treatment with a child already here to take care of and spend quality time with, too.  In my opinion, it wouldn't be fair to my child.  Oops, I got off on a tangent there.  What I started to say was that I was so angry.  Angrier than I've ever been.  I didn't want to cry, I wanted to scream, cuss, punch someone.....but the problem is, there really isn't anyone to direct the anger towards, you know?  It's nothing I did wrong.  It's nothing the doctor did wrong.  It's nothing Grouper did wrong.  So I feel like I have all this anger just floating around.  I am trying hard hard HARD not to be angry at God.  So many people have told me to keep the faith, and I'm trying my best, but when I hear stories like I heard this week - my sister's former roommate is 15 weeks pregnant, she has ovarian issues -cysts or PCOS or both - and she was on the pill.  She is now planning a shotgun wedding to her boyfriend, who she was contemplating breaking up with not too long ago. Her baby is perfectly healthy.  Now 'm not saying I wish her ill will at all...I don't.  She's so sweet and nice and she'll be a wonderful mom, and if she got pregnant in that way, then this child is obviously meant to be.  But in the back of my sick and twisted infertile little mind, I can't help but say, "Really, God?  REALLY?!?!?  What did we do to deserve this?" 

I know I need to just let it go and trust that things will work out.  It easy to say that when you're not in the midst of it.  It's easy to say it in retrospect.  It's easy to say it if you're someone on the outside seeing how much this is tearing me up.  But it's not easy for me to do.  It's just not. 

So, on we go.  I'm on day 4 of Clo.mid (100mg), my monitoring ultrasound and trigger shot are next Wednesday, IUI is Thursday.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I beat the storm!

I made it to the doctor's office this morning and the IUI went just fine.  The office was a bit busy because they're planning to be shut down tomorrow, so everyone was in today getting things done.  Apparently no one is due to ovulate tomorrow, so that's a good thing - I'd be so mad if I was supposed to have a procedure done and I wasn't able to make it in!  I don't have to worry, though.  We're only doing one IUI this month. 

The white blood cells that appeared in both of Grouper's samples last month were nowhere to be found this morning.  I guess the antibiotic helped!  After the wash, the sample had 14.7 million sperm and 49% motility.  The nurse who did the IUI (who I love, by the way) seemed very optimistic about the count and about the fact that the WBCs are gone, and she didn't think the motility was great, but it wasn't a huge concern to her, either.  I was expecting the IUI to be a lot more painful than it was.  It really wasn't painful at all, to be honest.  I'm a little bit crampy every once in a while now, but nothing terrible.  Now it's just back to waiting.  I hope that it works this month, but if it doesn't, I'm ok with trying this again next month without reservations.  It's so reassuring that the WBC problem cleared up.  The nurse mentioned that she still is a bit concerned about Grouper's initial SA result that showed less than 1% strict morphology, but I reminded her that we were able to get pregnant on our own, and she said that doesn't normally happen to people with that morphology level, and also she said that because the first two SAs were done at a different facility, the results may not have been interpreted exactly the way that my RE's home lab would have interpreted them.  Oh well, they're just numbers.  I'm honestly feeling a lot more optimistic that IUI will work for us eventually.

I'll keep you posted! Fingers crossed and prayers, please!!