Wednesday, September 22, 2010

It's Pity Party Day....table for one, please.

CD 1.  Again.

I'm feeling very alone today.

Feeling helpless because it's obvious that we're not going to be able to do this without the help of a doctor, drugs, treatments (well, most likely a mixture of all of the above).

Another reason that I'm feeling so alone is that out of 28 TTC blogs that are on my list, all but three are now pregnant or have had their babies.

I'm happy for all of you who have been blessed.......SO HAPPY for you.  You all completely deserve it.

But I feel like the wallflower left in the corner.  The last kid picked for a game of dodgeball.  The runt of the litter that no one wants.  I can't help it, I just do.  I've been having a harder time saying, "Congratulations" and seeing belly pics and commenting on pregnancy blogs in the past few weeks.  Please don't take it personally.  It's just me dealing with my own demons.  I was supposed to get out of the environment we were in while living and Canada and relax (which I felt like I have) and then the last piece - me getting pregnant - was supposed to fall into place.  I've been home since late July.  That last piece is still missing.  And it gets harder for me to swallow the more time that goes by. 

Last night we had the yearly family discussion about how gifting will go for Christmas.  It's a huge production because there are 8 kids on Grouper's side of the family.  We were basically told (or I guess I should say, it was alluded to) that we are the ones who foul up the process they want to use because "we don't have kids."  Otherwise all the kids would just draw the name of one of their cousins.......but Grouper pitches a fit about that because we want to buy for our nieces and nephews, but they (being his siblings) don't feel like it's fair that we buy for all 8 when they aren't.  It's petty and stupid, of course, but it did nothing more to me last night than break off another piece of my heart and put another huge spotlight on the fact that we're infertile at the moment.  We're defective.  Thanks for the reminder.

On top of all of it, I had the worst nights' sleep of my life last I'm having AF symptoms, feeling sorry for myself, tired, and alone all day.  That's probably for the best.

I hearby apologize for the whining rant above.  But it has to be let out somewhere or I will explode.
October 12 is less than a month away.  We WILL get answers.  We WILL have a baby.

We WILL have a baby.


  1. Yes, you will. Remember that most of the ladies on your blog list got pregnant with the help of treatment, and couldn't have done it on their own.

    Your family Christmas situation sounds like a nightmare. You should tell them that you want to buy presents for all the nieces and nephews BECAUSE you don't have you own kids yet. That should shut them up, I hope. Jeez.

  2. Hugs Gidget. You know I feel you--you, me, and one other person are the only people left whose blogs I started reading around the miscarriage who aren't pregnant yet. My advice is to move all the pregnant blogs down to their own subcategory. Then you don't have to scroll down there on days you can't handle it.

    That family situation sounds awful. I wish they could be more understanding--hearing that you're "messing up Christmas" because you don't have kids is NOT what you need right now.

  3. I am so sorry you are feeling like this. This may be an odd suggestion, but perhaps it would be helpful to visit the blogroll and find others in similar spot as you. I too have a hard time with my fellow pregnant bloggers, it is a mix of hope, happiness, and jealousy.
    we are here to hold your hand when/if you need to explore other options and seek out treatment. This is a great place to ask questions, somebody has been there before (I promise). I always say that I hope my IF expereinces can help somebody else some day.
    Thinking of you and sending love your way.....
    P.S. I cannot beleive that your family is already on to christmas (given that it is about 80 degrees today in NYC). I hope you find a solution that you feel comfortable with.

  4. I'm so sorry Gidget - I really am. I am super hopeful for your doctors visit though and to hear what they have to say about all of this.

  5. You WILL have a baby. I know you will.
    As for that Christmas situation, his family should be ashamed of themselves. What a hurtful insinuation.

  6. Yes, you will, friend! Praying for you today!:)

  7. You will have a baby girl. It's just going to take a bit longer... Go to the doctor. Get some answers. I know how alone you feel. I watched for four years as everyone got pregnant around me. It is so isolating. But your time will come. And girl... it is so worth the wait.

  8. I'm so sorry, Gidget. CD1 sucks. Feeling left alone in this sucks. And the Christmas situation doesn't help at all. (Does anyone in your family know and could nudge the others to be more sensitive? I told my dad over the summer, and I think it helps in that he now tries to protect me from being hurt in such situations.)
    Thinking of you, and hoping that October 12 brings answers.