RE appt

I told Grouper about our results last night.  He reacted much as I expected, but when he said, "So, are you glad it's me and not you?", I didn't really know how to respond.  If he's feeling major guilt, he didn't tell me.  I asked him if he was ok with everything later on in the night once it had time to process, and he said that he is and that we just need to go to the RE now and see what he says.

Upon looking at his results a bit more closely, it appears that the sperm count on the first SA was good, but the one on the second SA was low.  And the problem that showed up on both is that his morphology (they use the Kruger's Strict Criteria, whatever that is) is low....around 1% .  I guess that anything below 4% can cause issues with becoming pregnant.  I have not really started researching what all of this means, because I'm afraid of what I'll find out. It says in the notes at the bottom of both SA result papers that possible reasons for the abnormal values is "dysfunctional germinal epithelium."  I don't know if this means that we'll be able to get pregnant with IUI or if we would have to do IVF to have a better shot.....does anyone know anything about this? 

I did read a bit about the effects of the surgery that Grouper had when he was around 4 or 5 on fertility.  Apparently when the surgery is performed before age 1, there are less chances of fertility issues.  If the surgery is performed after age 4, the risk of lower sperm count and other issues is much higher.  I don't know if Grouper's parents had a choice of when to do the surgery, because he was a child in the 70's, you know.  I am pretty sure that those types of surgery weren't as advanced then as they are now.  I don't know, it'll definitely been interesting to see what the RE says.  We are not able to get in to the RE until December 6th.  We also need to do a visit with a urologist, I think.  I'm not sure whether we should try to get a referral to do that before we go to the RE or not, my doctor said it was up to us. 

So I'm just processing information now and doing the waiting game. 

Part of me just hopes I'm pregnant this month and we won't have to think about this again for a while.  My boobs have been feeling heavier than normal when I get up in the mornings and my nose is sensitive, but hey, I may just have new puppy-mom radar because I can track down the smell of puppy accidents really quickly.  I'm 10dpo now, my temp is still high, but I won't know anything for a few days.  I'm not expecting it, that's for sure. 

Well, I'm rambling now.  If anyone knows anything about morphology rates and what the options are, I'd appreciate some information, no matter how scary it is.

Crawling out of my hole to tell you.....

I had my last blood draw today.  This one was to tell my doctor what my progesterone levels are.  The nurse practitioner that I've been "dating", as she says, every week for the past 4 Mondays, said as I left that the results would not be in for a couple days, and at that time, I could expect a call from my doctor giving us the results of the complete battery of tests.

Imagine my surprise when I got a call this afternoon from the nurse practitioner.  She told me that from all of my labs that have come back, my doctor thinks everything with me is normal.  She did say, however, that Grouper has some issues.  She said she wasn't super familiar with reading the SA results, but that from what she could tell, he had a sperm count of 12 million, and they prefer that the count is higher than 20.  Also, his sperm motility was 60%, which she said is somewhat low.  She said that treating male fertility issues tends to be a lot easier than dealing with female fertility issues, and that my doctor thinks that IUI is the best bet for us.  She is referring us to an RE in the area, but I am not sure if he will do the IUI or if my doctor will (if I have a choice in the matter, I'd honestly like my doctor to do it, but I can't really make that decision, especially not until after I meet this guy). 

I feel terrible and somewhat selfish saying this, but it's like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.  Even though I know I shouldn't, I tend to have this underlying guilty feeling about all of our issues....that they're my fault.  And I don't want to think of them as my fault or Grouper's, I just want to get things fixed.  I must say, though......I am somewhat looking forward to letting my MIL in on this piece of information, because she was pretty much sure that there was no reason for us to be getting checked out, and for sure there wasn't any issues with HER son, it had to be my fault (she never said that last bit, but that's most definitely how she has made me feel in the past year and a half).  I just hope it'll shut her up, or at least make her more supportive.

Now I just have to figure out how to tell Grouper.  He's hunting Up North until late Wednesday night.  I'm not going to call him right now and take his focus off of hunting and put it on this.  I think overall he will have a positive attitude about it.  He is more of a, "Ok, this is the problem.  Now we know.  Let's fix it," kinda guy and I'm one of those, "Woe is me, why us, wah wah wah," person (if you didn't already know that).  I want to call the RE right now and get scheduled, but I can't until I talk to him and I know his schedule and all that.  I guess I just have to sit on my hands for the next couple days. 

I am relieved, though.  Honestly.  Last week was the week from Hell.  I am happy for all people who are finally out of this infertile battle, but holy crap, it's a heavy hitting week when I have not only the first anniversary of the loss of my pregnancy, but also hear 7 pregnancy announcements in 7 days.  That's rough.  I'm trying to get out of my funk the best that I can.  That's all I can do. 

And now we know what needs to be fixed.  If I can't get a positive pregnancy test right now, this is definitely the next best thing.

Done.

I'm having a really bad day today.

Bad.

I just feel like no matter what I do, we still are in the same position as we were a year ago...but oh wait, that's not true, because a year ago today I was still pregnant.

I'm just feeling really alone and really sorry for myself today.  As a matter of fact, I don't even know why I'm bothering to blog anymore.  All it seems to be is negativity. 

I think I may just step away until I get my act together.  I hate raining on everyone else's parade.

To top it all off, I have to go to the funeral home tonight because a good friend of mine that I worked with in Canada lost her husband to cancer.  After 50 years together.  That is going to be tough.

When will happy things start happening?

I'll see you when I see you.