Thursday, February 24, 2011

It's been awhile


Sorry for the absence, I really just haven't felt like writing, as we're still stuck in the fertility treatment cyclone and there's no sign of when we'll get out.

It just gets hard.  I feel so unsure - not really optimistic or pessimistic, just unsure and scared of how long this will take before something positive happens.  I just feel like so many of the major life decisions for us have been up in the air for three years.  First it was being in Canada and not knowing when we could come home - and we couldn't talk about it to too many people, because it was kinda "on the down low."  Then it was me getting my job situation resolved.  Then it all went back to trying to get pregnant, and that too is kinda "on the down low," as it is with most people who are doing fertility treatments.  It's just hard.

I really had a great 2ww last month - I wasn't too preoccupied with what would happen, I had lots ot things to keep my mind off of it, and I was feeling great.  Then AF was a day late and of course my temps screwed with my head, and when AF finally did come, I was so angry.  So, so, SO angry.  Why can't it just work out for us once?  I am past wanting more than one child.  I just want one of our own, if that's possible.  I won't do this again once it works out for us, we'll adopt if we decide we want more than one child.  I find this stressful enough as it is with just the two of us - I feel like it takes my focus away from Grouper when it shouldn't, and I can't imagine going through treatment with a child already here to take care of and spend quality time with, too.  In my opinion, it wouldn't be fair to my child.  Oops, I got off on a tangent there.  What I started to say was that I was so angry.  Angrier than I've ever been.  I didn't want to cry, I wanted to scream, cuss, punch someone.....but the problem is, there really isn't anyone to direct the anger towards, you know?  It's nothing I did wrong.  It's nothing the doctor did wrong.  It's nothing Grouper did wrong.  So I feel like I have all this anger just floating around.  I am trying hard hard HARD not to be angry at God.  So many people have told me to keep the faith, and I'm trying my best, but when I hear stories like I heard this week - my sister's former roommate is 15 weeks pregnant, she has ovarian issues -cysts or PCOS or both - and she was on the pill.  She is now planning a shotgun wedding to her boyfriend, who she was contemplating breaking up with not too long ago. Her baby is perfectly healthy.  Now 'm not saying I wish her ill will at all...I don't.  She's so sweet and nice and she'll be a wonderful mom, and if she got pregnant in that way, then this child is obviously meant to be.  But in the back of my sick and twisted infertile little mind, I can't help but say, "Really, God?  REALLY?!?!?  What did we do to deserve this?" 

I know I need to just let it go and trust that things will work out.  It easy to say that when you're not in the midst of it.  It's easy to say it in retrospect.  It's easy to say it if you're someone on the outside seeing how much this is tearing me up.  But it's not easy for me to do.  It's just not. 

So, on we go.  I'm on day 4 of Clo.mid (100mg), my monitoring ultrasound and trigger shot are next Wednesday, IUI is Thursday.


  1. I'm so sorry Gidge :-( It makes me angry when I see women coming into the ER who obviously could care less about being pregnant and who drink/smoke/do drugs - I seriously want to gram them by the shoulders, shake them, and yell, "Don't you know how many men and women out there would LOVE to be in your shoes?! Grow up!"

    Thinking of you and praying for you guys!

  2. I was so glad to hear from you. I worry when you don't post.

    It's never easy. Never, never, never easy. And I know *exactly* how you feel. I was angry, depressed, hopeless, and then I'd feel hopeful and optimistic again.

    You're right that it's easy for me to say that things will be better now that you have a doctor and a plan and you know what you're up against. It's easy for me to say that it will all work out. I truly believe all of that, but I also know that it doesn't help when you're heart is in such a dark place.

    I really hope this next IUI is the one. There's no rhyme or reason to why one works and another doesn't. Don't take last month as a sign that this can't work for you.

  3. I'm so sorry that you're going through such a hard time, Gidget. As you know I struggle with my faith, too. And this is something I hardly ever talk about, not even with my husband, which doesn't make it easier.
    Thinking of you, and hoping that you get good news soon.