FF is a MindF.

Who am I kidding when I say that I'm trying not to think about the 2ww or how badly I want to be pregnant before my shoulda-been due date.  (Do I sound like a broken record yet?  Sorry about that.)

I did a fine job of not really thinking about timing our "extra curriculars" this month...we just did what we wanted when we wanted, which is how we got pregnant the first time.  But now that I'm inching ever closer to the dreaded CD 28, I can't help but look at my chart multiple times a day and compare it to my other charts and charts that resulted in pregnancy on Fertility Friend.  Even though I'm not tracking any symptoms this month besides CM and when we travel (in case my temps are affected), I've still got 49 points out of 100 on the early pregnancy signs chart.  (just one more reason I decided to give in and compare my chart).

Big. Fat. Mistake.  When I filtered for charts resulting in pregnancy that matched my O day, BD patterns, and post O temps, out of all the charts in the FF gallery, only ONE result was returned and it wasn't even that close to mine.  When I took out the O day, I got a whopping 4 results, and three of them were people that had been TTC for 3 months or less (lucky biotches). 

That kinda takes the wind out of my sails.  I wasn't feeling super positive this cycle, but I wasn't feeling negative, either.  My temps are too inconclusive right now to tell me anything, really. 

Now I feel like that damn elephant that I wanna be just stomped on my heart.

Unfair.

I've mentioned this before, but as the time draws nearer, I tend to think more and more about the fact that in a perfect world, I'd be at the end of my third trimester...heck, I might have even had the baby by now.

I'd be nesting and crazy and complaining about my cankles (oh wait, I do that now.....)

But, alas, no. The baby is gone and I'm still not pregnant. I mean, yeah, I could be right now, but I won't know for sure until at least the end of this week, and I just have a feeling that I'm not.

That just really REALLY sucks. And life is so unfair. And sometimes I'm so, so, so angry.

But as we all know, bad things happen to good people. And losses happen every day, as terrible as that is. Sometimes quickly, and sometimes after long, hard, fights.

I hope that I someday have the strength and grace to handle our loss the way that Megan and Brent are handling theirs. And as my friend Ali so gracefully put it on her blog, "Heaven gained an angel and his name is Cohen." Please pray for Megan and Brent and their family.

And I'm not trying to be selfish here, but throw a little prayer in for me, too.

The Power of Positive Thinking and Prayer

I dont't know if you've been following Megan's blog, most of you probably do, but if you don't, please go check it out.

After a long struggle with PCOS, Megan finally became pregnant with Cohen, and about midway through her pregnancy, she and her husband were given the devastating news that Cohen would have a long, hard road ahead of him due to some pretty serious heart defects.

Cohen was born last Monday. 

He's been fighting so hard ever since.

So many people are sending positive vibes on a daily basis.

Please, join me in praying for Cohen. (I have the button on the right side of my blog if you want it).

Here's a link to the blog where you can send the love.

MIA

I've been a bit MIA around this lil' ol' blog because I'm kinda trying to forget that we're TTC this month. I mean, not that I could truly forget, but I am doing the absolute bare minimum in that department this month. I'm taking my temperature just for continuity's sake, but I take it each morning, input it into FF first thing, and then I forget about it. I don't even know what cycle day I'm on right now, can you believe it? I am also tracking girly fluids a bit, but I'm honestly not even paying too much attention to that....if something "screams" blatantly at me, I will definitely take notice, but I'm kinda enjoying hanging with family and friends (we had a family wedding last week, it's my anniversary weekend this coming weekend, and my sister gets hitched in two weeks) and it's been nice to be carefree through it all. I'm sure I'll change my tune at some point this cycle, but for now, it feels good. Grouper and I do that thing married people do when we want, we don't when we don't. No scheduling or timing this month...it was pretty sad when I realized we were having less sex while trying to have a baby than we were when we weren't.

If we get a big surprise this month, that will be awesome...if we don't, well, we don't. There's not too much else I can do about it. I must say that I'm pretty excited that I'm going to be able to indulge in some adult beverages for my sister's wedding.

We've decided we'll think about the next steps when we get moved back and settled--hopefully I'll be pregnant by then and it won't be necessary.

Wow.

I love it when celebs go public.  Here is Constance Marie's story of her struggles with IF.

The best part of the story is that there's a happy ending!

Maybe I'm a pachyderm.

A pachyderm, according to wikipedia, is a thick-skinned animal (and God knows you need thick skin to deal with all this TTC bullschuester).  I have a new theory as to what my issue is.

I'm an elephant.

Yeah, that's right, a big fat elephant.

I look a lot like this one that "hid" from me at the zoo.

That's what I feel like doing a lot of the time....hiding.

Hiding from the pain of a miscarriage and month after month of negative pregnancy tests, hiding the truth from people, and hiding the fact that I'm worried we have "issues" with our ability to conceive a child.

And what really sucks is that elephants don't forget.

But see, there's yet another reason why I am comparing myself to an elephant. 

Elephants have a gestation period of 22 months.

I've got a whole theory worked out here, so stay with me....At this rate, that's how long it's going to take us from start to finish to get a baby (we're already on month 12 of TTC counting the MC blip, so say I get pregnant within the next two cycles, that adds 9-10 more months, which equals:

22 MONTHS.

I'm a freak brilliant, right?

RIGHT?

Can you see the worried look on my face?  I'd better tell Grouper to get his "trunk" a'movin!  Time's a'wastin!  :)

Yep, that's right, I'm worried.  And if this doesn't work out soon, I'm going to morph into this pissed off ostrich and kick anything that comes near me.

With the force of 800 pounds per square inch, bitches.