FF is a MindF.

Who am I kidding when I say that I'm trying not to think about the 2ww or how badly I want to be pregnant before my shoulda-been due date.  (Do I sound like a broken record yet?  Sorry about that.)

I did a fine job of not really thinking about timing our "extra curriculars" this month...we just did what we wanted when we wanted, which is how we got pregnant the first time.  But now that I'm inching ever closer to the dreaded CD 28, I can't help but look at my chart multiple times a day and compare it to my other charts and charts that resulted in pregnancy on Fertility Friend.  Even though I'm not tracking any symptoms this month besides CM and when we travel (in case my temps are affected), I've still got 49 points out of 100 on the early pregnancy signs chart.  (just one more reason I decided to give in and compare my chart).

Big. Fat. Mistake.  When I filtered for charts resulting in pregnancy that matched my O day, BD patterns, and post O temps, out of all the charts in the FF gallery, only ONE result was returned and it wasn't even that close to mine.  When I took out the O day, I got a whopping 4 results, and three of them were people that had been TTC for 3 months or less (lucky biotches). 

That kinda takes the wind out of my sails.  I wasn't feeling super positive this cycle, but I wasn't feeling negative, either.  My temps are too inconclusive right now to tell me anything, really. 

Now I feel like that damn elephant that I wanna be just stomped on my heart.

You might be TTC if.....

I was in elementary school when the Jeff Foxworthy "You Might Be a Redneck if..." craze hit. I was obsessed with it....I had books, CDs, and I liked to watch his stand-up on Comedy Central. My personal favorite one was, "If seeing a sign that says Say No to Crack reminds you to pull your jeans up......you might be a redneck." Anyway, I digress. I'm going to do my own little "you might be TTC" list right now, and it all started because of a hilarious comment in an email from her this morning. I've seen a few of these around, but I'm going to put my own little spin on one for you.

If you see a HPT and feel the urge to pee all over it......you might be TTC. :) This was CF's comment this morning, I nearly fell off my chair laughing.

If you can't walk past a pregnant woman without pangs of jealousy and nearly having an anxiety attack....you might be TTC.

If the first thing you do in the morning is reach over and grab a thermometer and shove it in your mouth (or elsewhere)....you might be TTC.

If the words "mucus" and "ovulation" have become topics of daily conversation between you and your husband....you might be TTC.

If every little twinge, pain, food craving, or urge to pee is seen as a possible pregnancy symptom.....you might be TTC.

If the song "Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble puts a huge smile on your face every time you hear it....you might be TTC.

If you contemplate stealing "borrowing" newborn children of your friends and family just so you can inhale their newborn smell while sitting in a corner crying.....you might be TTC.

If you think shooting suppositories up in your girly business and giving yourself daily shots in the bum sounds like fun....you might be TTC.

If you're a royal bitch to everyone and their brother on Mother's Day....you might be TTC.

If your husband decides to do a min/max formula to calculate your ovulation day, but then finds he doesn't have to because he sees there already is one on your Fertility Friend page...you might be TTC.

If you begin referring to pregnant women and mothers as members of "the Dark Side" as a childish way to deal with your extreme jealousy....you might be TTC.

If you shudder when you see your husband clip his Blackberry to his belt out of fear that he is frying his swimmers....you might be TTC.

and lastly,

If you have sex scheduled for at least 2 weeks in advance......you might be TTC.

I know you all have things to add.......have at it!

Today is harder than I thought.

Once again, Facebook is the devil. I know it sounds terrible, and I'll probably switch to what I'm now playfully calling the "dark side" once I'm a mother, but if I read one more "Being a mother is the best thing that's ever happened to me" message on Facebook today, I think I'm going to freak out. I mean, dagger--in heart---twisting.....ouch. So I'm not going on Facebook any more today. Nope. Because all of those mothers have a right to say what they want and be happy today. It is THEIR day. They deserve it. It just makes me miserable to think about it because I'm feeling mopey and sorry for myself, and then I feel guilty for being selfish and jealous, so I'll steer clear today.

I was fine yesterday hanging out with Grouper's family until fertile SIL with 4 kids, all conceived on the first try, tells me once again that Grouper and I need to have like four or five kids. My response, "Um, I'd be happy with just one right now and at this point, that's hard enough for me to accomplish." To which she retorted, "You need to just relax and quit thinking about it." And my mother in law chimed in, "Yeah, it'll happen in God's good time. He's just granting the wish that you had a long time ago---not to be pregnant in Canada." Wow, thanks, ladies! Such sensitive and thoughtful words of encouragement! I then took my 3 month old niece and just cuddled her for about an hour in a chair, secretly wishing she was mine, trying not to totally lose it.

We were just out at Home Depot picking up some things for the house, and I saw 3 huge pregnant women waddling around the store and about a dozen other happy families with cute little babies. I felt like I did shortly after my MC--wanting to hyperventilate and run out of the store every time I see a baby bump. I took some deep breaths and kept going.

Now I'm just numb. Not wanting to go anywhere or do anything.

And I thought I was going to be fine today. Who was I kidding?

I want my life back. I'm tired of being a semi-depressed and sometimes psycho TTC'er.

Ok, that's out of my system. I'm letting it go now. At least my puppy loves me and is spending Mother's Day with me. :)

I think I'll go shopping now. Retail therapy always helps.