It's on the calendar....

I had a really rough night last night (I'm home alone until tomorrow, y'all....that makes my mind wander before bed), and so after sitting in bed feeling bad for myself and wanting nothing more than to be pregnant (but hey, what else is new?), I woke up this morning and called my doctor.

My appointment is set for October 12th at 10:15am.  It is just my basic "yearly" visit, since it will have been a year since the MC by that time, but I am definitely taking all of my charts and I'm going to get everything out in the open with my doctor.  She's great, Grouper met her when I went to her for the MC (he went with me, how sweet) and he loves her, too.  She has really good bedside manner and I am completely comfortable when I talk to her.  It feels really good to have a date set on the calendar...something to work towards, I guess.

When I started AF on Monday, I was bummed (surprise), and as I mentioned in my previous post, I finally broke down and ordered OPKs and Pre.seed.  Those were the two things I swore I'd never do....but hey, IF does crazy things to us, yes, ladies?  I am actually semi-excited to try these things out.  And this month will be our "let's just see what happens" month, and next month, we're going to the doctor and getting down to business.

SO.....I want some advice, because I have no idea about preseed or OPKs or what to ask my doctor.  I have attempted to be as clueless as possible about those sorts of things, because hey, let's face it, I've been really busy trying to pretend we don't have issues for quite a while now.  Any advice is welcomed. 

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In other news, I met Tarah (aka Crossed Fingers) for dinner IN REAL LIFE last night.  We had a blast.  It wasn't that weird meeting someone I've never seen or spoken to on the phone, surprisingly...she's fun and great and cute and has the most adorable 13 week baby bump I've ever seen.  You know what else I found so refreshing about meeting her?  Pregnancy has made her very "zen...."   I never met her before, so I can't attest to how she was pre-baby, but oh my goodness, when I saw her face......the calmness, happiness, and joy just exuded from her pores.  I want that.  And I think that the best way to get it is to surround myself with people who have it....so watch out, T.....I'm going to hang with you every single day!  Hahaha. :)  Seriously, though....if you can find a friend that can "get" what you're going through IRL, I'd strongly suggest it.  It makes life so much easier!  :)  Thanks for the great date, Tarah!  Hope we can do it again soon!

CD 2

I have no clue what was going on with that last chart, but we're back to the drawing board....I can't really say I'm surprised.

I ordered preseed and a bunch of OPKs online yesterday.....this is my last ditch effort, then it's off to the doc in October.

18 DPO?!?!?!??!

I am totally puzzled by this chart. My temperature rarely stays as high as it's been for the past week and I still have no real signs of AF showing up. I have gotten way too excited too many times, and the fact that I've now taken three HPT's (including one of those stupid digital ones that smacks you in the face with the words, "NOT PREGNANT,") is becoming beyond confusing to me. The more I look at it now, the more I think maybe I didn't O until CD 22 or 23, but the not all of the signs match up. Who am I kidding, the signs don't match up anywhere. I keep thinking every morning when I wake up that my temp will take a complete nose dive, and it just keeps hovering.

So, what do you ladies think? Was it really day 12, where we have a bit of a chance, and I just am slow to show a positive (I really don't think so), was it day 22 or 23, where we also have a chance, or was it somewhere in between, where we absolutely have no chance outside of immaculate conception because Grouper was on a fishing trip for 8 days and I didn't see him?

Just when I thought I was somewhat regular.....BAM! Thanks, Mother Nature, you suck a big one rock.

Overwhelmed + Disappointed = MIA

My day did not start off well.  I got up at 4am, had to pee, so I went ahead and took my temp early (then took it again at normal time), and although it was still riding high (as it has been for the past few days), when I took a test, it came back negative again.  As I was sitting the bathroom, staring at the test on the floor, whispering, "Please God, Please God, Please....", only to have the damn test give me one line yet again, I couldn't help but thinking that it was a pretty pathetic scene that happens way too frequently.

Surprisingly, I went back to sleep and was woken up before 8 by my dog throwing up IN MY BED.  She had hopped up on Grouper's side when he got ready for work and apparently the contents of her stomach didn't want to stay in there.  So I had to get up, clean that up (not to mention the other 5 spots in the house where she threw up on her way outside), and then Grouper left for work.

So even though I still have a ton of stuff to do around the house (we're not settled in by any means), I am just totally bummed today.  I knew our chances to conceive this month were probably quite low, but when my chart starts doing promising things, I can't help but hope.  And now here I am at 15dpo, which never happens, and I'm still testing negative.  I am pretty sure that if I were pregnant, a BFP would have appeared by now. 

I still think last month was a chemical pregnancy.  I will never know for sure because I never tested, but my gut is telling me it was.  I am just tired of this roller coaster ride, and I know you've all heard this a million times before from me, but I'm scared to death of the next step.

Grouper's insurance will switch back over to the US as of next Friday, then I'm going to set appointments up.  I'm tired of waiting, waiting, waiting and always being disappointed.

I had a long talk with a former co-worker yesterday in Canada about IF when I was there to say goodbye.  She tried for 10 years to get pregnant, and she tried everything, including 6 IVFs that failed.  Finally, she decided to adopt and she said she was so happy that she did.  I felt better after talking to her and it was nice to speak face to face with someone who had been to hell and back and has come out happy.  She said that she thinks I'm handling this so well and that I have a great outlook and attitude--even better than the one she had when she was going through it.  I think that I'm just getting better at putting up a strong facade to everyone on the outside.  Inside, I feel weaker than ever.  I still have to leave the room any time I see my husband or father with a baby or toddler---I can't handle it.  I feel like I'm denying them of something they want so badly.  I still lose my breath every time I see a visibly pregnant woman.  And I still feel like there's no end in sight to all of this madness.

I'm all over the place

So I'm pretty sure that we have no shot this month because Grouper left for his fishing trip two days before I expected to ovulate.  We had one "last ditch" effort, and honestly, I didn't even think about baby-making during our little rendezvous, it was more about me saying goodbye to my husband since I won't see him for 10 days. 

The on the afternoon of the day that I said goodbye, I had the most EWCM that I've seen in a couple months.  I didn't find it exciting, I found it ironic.

Now my temps are all over the place. I have dotted lines for my crosshairs.  I have been traveling during these past few critical days and I've woken up to take my temperature and my thermometer has felt cold to the touch, and my temps have been low. 

FF has given me a O day of day 12 after I discarded today's super low temp (my thermometer was like an ice cube!), but it was previously on day 10, which makes ZERO sense, especially since my period lasted for 9 days this month.

As a sidenote, I seriously think that last month could have been a chemical pregnancy.   I never took a test because I started spotting the day my period was due, but (TMI alert, y'all) normally my period is super heavy the first two or three days and then is light for three or four more.  Last month, it was barely there for the first two days, and then on the third day, it was BEYOND heavy and I had the worst cramps ever.  On top of that, it lasted NINE days.  But I'll never know, because I didn't test. 

We're giving it a go on our own for 1 more month....then it's off to the doctor for us.....I can't stand this anymore.