Thursday, August 19, 2010

Overwhelmed + Disappointed = MIA

My day did not start off well.  I got up at 4am, had to pee, so I went ahead and took my temp early (then took it again at normal time), and although it was still riding high (as it has been for the past few days), when I took a test, it came back negative again.  As I was sitting the bathroom, staring at the test on the floor, whispering, "Please God, Please God, Please....", only to have the damn test give me one line yet again, I couldn't help but thinking that it was a pretty pathetic scene that happens way too frequently.

Surprisingly, I went back to sleep and was woken up before 8 by my dog throwing up IN MY BED.  She had hopped up on Grouper's side when he got ready for work and apparently the contents of her stomach didn't want to stay in there.  So I had to get up, clean that up (not to mention the other 5 spots in the house where she threw up on her way outside), and then Grouper left for work.

So even though I still have a ton of stuff to do around the house (we're not settled in by any means), I am just totally bummed today.  I knew our chances to conceive this month were probably quite low, but when my chart starts doing promising things, I can't help but hope.  And now here I am at 15dpo, which never happens, and I'm still testing negative.  I am pretty sure that if I were pregnant, a BFP would have appeared by now. 

I still think last month was a chemical pregnancy.  I will never know for sure because I never tested, but my gut is telling me it was.  I am just tired of this roller coaster ride, and I know you've all heard this a million times before from me, but I'm scared to death of the next step.

Grouper's insurance will switch back over to the US as of next Friday, then I'm going to set appointments up.  I'm tired of waiting, waiting, waiting and always being disappointed.

I had a long talk with a former co-worker yesterday in Canada about IF when I was there to say goodbye.  She tried for 10 years to get pregnant, and she tried everything, including 6 IVFs that failed.  Finally, she decided to adopt and she said she was so happy that she did.  I felt better after talking to her and it was nice to speak face to face with someone who had been to hell and back and has come out happy.  She said that she thinks I'm handling this so well and that I have a great outlook and attitude--even better than the one she had when she was going through it.  I think that I'm just getting better at putting up a strong facade to everyone on the outside.  Inside, I feel weaker than ever.  I still have to leave the room any time I see my husband or father with a baby or toddler---I can't handle it.  I feel like I'm denying them of something they want so badly.  I still lose my breath every time I see a visibly pregnant woman.  And I still feel like there's no end in sight to all of this madness.


  1. I'm so sorry girl. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

  2. I don't have any words of wisdom & I can't even pretend to know what you're going through. Just offering (((HUGS)))

  3. I'm so sorry honey. I'm thinking of you! Going to the doctor is a great idea - it will help remove some of the stress of the unknowns and hopefully give you some answers and direction. And that really stinks that your doggy threw up on the bed! Yuck!

  4. I am all for that first RE appointment. You deserve to start getting some answers here! I agree that the diagnoses, treatments, and cost all sound scary, but absolutely nothing is worse than month after month of bfn's and cd1's.

    I will be here following, as you make these tough decisions... Big hugs.

  5. Gidget, you and I have been on such the same path since the very beginning of this, and once again I know exactly how you feel. All I can say is that having the RE appointment has given me relief--sometimes the feeling is just a tiny grain, and sometimes it's a huge weight off my shoulders. I'm so happy that soon Lawyer Guy and I won't be struggling alone any longer and will have a reason to hope again.