Licensed to Breed

Ok, so this is going to sound terrible and awful and totally like something that comes out of the mouth of a bitter person who is having a few trials and tribulations in the babymaking department, but I'm gonna say it.

Sometimes I wonder if there should seriously be a written test that people have to take and pass with flying colors before being allowed to have children.

Am I saying this because I'm jealous of people with children? No. I'm saying this because there are so many cases (on TV, in the news, and even amongst people I'm acquainted with) in which some people just should be forbidden to procreate. The children are the ones who end up suffering and paying the price for their parents' poor decision-making.  I'm not saying those people shouldn't procreate EVER (well, some of them shouldn't), but I am saying that I find it completely unjust that people who are as prepared as one can possibly be and can give a child everything they need (I'm not necessarily talking about just myself here, I'm talking about the HUNDREDS and THOUSANDS of people who struggle with IF) aren't able to have children when some people who are complete deadbeats and child abusers have many, many, many children and then scar the kids for life in more ways than one. I know, that sounds terrible to say, doesn't it?  Too bad. I don't say things like that without having a few examples to back me up. Here are a few cases that back up my point that I've heard of just recently.

Case 1: A guy in Indiana (who lives quite close to where I grew up) was just arrested for locking his 10 year old son with special needs in his basement EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT for six months. They found bodily waste in every room of the house and in close proximity to the deflated air mattress that the boy was sleeping on each night. He didn't even have a pillow, he used a balled up sweatshirt. Not only that, the father had LEFT HIM at the house with notes on what to do to take care of himself while he went to Florida for a few days. And this guy has a kid? (Here's a link to the news story if you don't believe me.....it's disgusting.)

Case 2: Backstory: When I wasn't working, I became hooked on some crappy talk shows, one being Dr. Phil, and they had a family that they focused on regularly. Ok, anyway--He's still focusing on them, and the daughter of this family, who is 22, has two children with two different men. She got pregnant with the first one when she was 14, the second when she was 20. She is no longer with either of the fathers--the second father just got out of jail. Both children are in custody of their grandparents due to allegations of both drug use by her and abuse of her children by someone, but she's denying it was her or anyone associated with her. She's fighting to get custody back, but she is now pregnant with a THIRD baby by a third guy, who the lawyers have advised to move out of the house while she's trying to get custody of the other two. She doesn't have a steady job or income, and even though everyone is telling her to move closer to where her children are in order to be closer to them, she's choosing to ignore them and stay in the house with her new fiance. I know I shouldn't watch this crap, but it's like a train wreck, I can't look away. Anyway....she doesn't have money to provide for the two children she has, they aren't in her custody, AND she's pregnant again? REALLY!?!?!?!

Case 3: There's a girl I went to high school with who got married right after college. Shortly after her wedding, when she and her husband were just starting to get established in an apartment and their new jobs, she found out she was pregnant. She told everyone that "the pharmacy gave her placebo birth control" and that it was an accident and she wasn't even sure she wanted kids for years. All she did was complain about being pregnant. She had a beautiful daughter. A year and a half later, she was pregnant again. This time? She was on antibiotics and her birth control "didn't work." All she did was complain about how they had no money and how being a mom was great, but she missed not being able to go out and party with everyone else, blah blah blah. She gave birth to a beautiful son.  Her husband lost his job.  She was staying home with the kids to save money on childcare.  Her daughter had some health problems, her son had to get tubes in his ears.  Eventually, she and the kids moved 2 hours north to live with her mom while her husband looked for work.  What happened next?  She got pregnant AGAIN!!  This time with a girl.  So she is 26 with three kids, and now all she does is complain about how tired she is or how one kid got into such and such and wrecked it, or how they're all sick, or they don't have money, or they don't have a babysitter, or blah blah blah.  Um, hello?  I just want to smack people like that for so many reasons. 

I could go on forever, but I won't.....this rant is getting long enough, but I will say this:

My point here: I am NOT wishing infertility on anyone...quite the contrary. I realize that there is never a *perfect* time to have children and it's not always possible to "plan" for their arrival, but at the same time....once kids are here, they're not only a BLESSING, they are also a huge responsibility, and whether the new parents like it or not, their lives have just changed forever and they must adjust accordingly. I get SO ANGRY at people who don't realize what a precious gift they have been given. So angry that they could abuse those gifts, neglect those gifts, deprive their gifts of what those children rightfully deserve. So angry that they have the opportunity of a lifetime that so many other people hope and pray for endlessly and never receive--and then they squander it. So angry that people choose trivial things over their children.  I guess it all boils down to the fact that sometimes, bad things happen to good people and sometimes good things happen to bad people, and that's just the way the world works. 

But I still say--IT'S NOT FAIR.

Thanks for reading.  Rant over.  :)

How is it EVER appropriate.....

to ask anyone that you don't know on an extremely personal level ANYTHING about being pregnant?

I NEVER ask anyone if they're pregnant, when they're planning on becoming pregnant, when they're due etc., unless they either bring it up first OR appear to be in their third trimester. And even then, I hesitate. As I've learned more and more, pregnancy is a touchy subject to some people, especially those who have lost a baby or have struggles with infertility. Apparently, this is something that not everyone realizes, because I have had at least five people in the past two weeks make some of the most insensitive and totally thoughtless comments to me!

I did tell a few co-workers I am close with about my miscarriage. Mostly because I had to miss work when it happened, so I had to tell my boss, and my boss told other people in my office and then I told a few people after that, but I only told them after they asked me when we were planning on having kids. I was hoping it would be a sign that they should think before they speak, but it didn't seem to work.

I missed a day of work last week because I had a horrific sinus headache. I also happened to have started my period that day. So I didn't feel well, and I was bummed that we had failed yet again. I decided I probably wouldn't be the queen of productivity at the office, so I stayed home. The next day, I had three people from my office ask me if I was pregnant or if I stayed home because of morning sickness. My reply: "No, I had a headache and menstrual cramps, thankyouverymuch." Then, randomly, a guy walks up to me and says, "So, I hear you're pregnant." He does this as a joke, but it's not funny. And today, it happened again. I was eating a snack that someone offered me, and one of my FAVORITE co-workers (can you sense my sarcasm?) walked up to me and said, "Wow, it seems like you're eating every time I see you. Are you eating for two?" Um, NO. I like food and it has seemed to be my coping mechanism throughout all of this. Thanks for asking.

And here's my favorite "are you f-ing kidding me" story from the past month: My boss calls me into her office and starts small talking with me. I've been around here long enough to know that when she starts doing this, she is trying to pry into something and doesn't exactly know how to go about it, so she eventually just blurts out what she wants to know. So here's what she says to me: "Is everything ok with the Grouper? He seems so distant lately." (he works in the same place as I do) I said yes, everything was fine, and asked her why she was asking. Apparently she was in a meeting with him and she thought that he seemed distant and unfocused and she wondered if he was affected by my miscarriage more than he was letting me know. UM, EXCUSE ME? This is my boss, not my best friend....although we have hung out socially, we are by no means close friends and she knows nothing about my marriage or my husband. I mentioned it to him and he was infuriated that she would say anything like that to me. He also said that if she really knew anything about him, she'd know that he doesn't let what's going on in his personal life affect anything at work. The real reason he's focused and distant is because he's frustrated with what's been going on around work and we're ready to MOVE HOME. I was just so appalled and taken aback by what she said. I almost started crying in her office because I was so shocked, but I didn't want to give her the satisfaction or the impression that she was correct about any of what she was saying.

I could go on about this forever, but this rant is long enough. I guess all I'm saying is that I can't believe the insensitivity and carelessness of some people. It's disheartening and doesn't make what I'm going through any easier. I'm sure I'm not the only person this has happened to.....I do make sure to think before I speak, though.