Wednesday, February 10, 2010

How is it EVER appropriate.....

to ask anyone that you don't know on an extremely personal level ANYTHING about being pregnant?

I NEVER ask anyone if they're pregnant, when they're planning on becoming pregnant, when they're due etc., unless they either bring it up first OR appear to be in their third trimester. And even then, I hesitate. As I've learned more and more, pregnancy is a touchy subject to some people, especially those who have lost a baby or have struggles with infertility. Apparently, this is something that not everyone realizes, because I have had at least five people in the past two weeks make some of the most insensitive and totally thoughtless comments to me!

I did tell a few co-workers I am close with about my miscarriage. Mostly because I had to miss work when it happened, so I had to tell my boss, and my boss told other people in my office and then I told a few people after that, but I only told them after they asked me when we were planning on having kids. I was hoping it would be a sign that they should think before they speak, but it didn't seem to work.

I missed a day of work last week because I had a horrific sinus headache. I also happened to have started my period that day. So I didn't feel well, and I was bummed that we had failed yet again. I decided I probably wouldn't be the queen of productivity at the office, so I stayed home. The next day, I had three people from my office ask me if I was pregnant or if I stayed home because of morning sickness. My reply: "No, I had a headache and menstrual cramps, thankyouverymuch." Then, randomly, a guy walks up to me and says, "So, I hear you're pregnant." He does this as a joke, but it's not funny. And today, it happened again. I was eating a snack that someone offered me, and one of my FAVORITE co-workers (can you sense my sarcasm?) walked up to me and said, "Wow, it seems like you're eating every time I see you. Are you eating for two?" Um, NO. I like food and it has seemed to be my coping mechanism throughout all of this. Thanks for asking.

And here's my favorite "are you f-ing kidding me" story from the past month: My boss calls me into her office and starts small talking with me. I've been around here long enough to know that when she starts doing this, she is trying to pry into something and doesn't exactly know how to go about it, so she eventually just blurts out what she wants to know. So here's what she says to me: "Is everything ok with the Grouper? He seems so distant lately." (he works in the same place as I do) I said yes, everything was fine, and asked her why she was asking. Apparently she was in a meeting with him and she thought that he seemed distant and unfocused and she wondered if he was affected by my miscarriage more than he was letting me know. UM, EXCUSE ME? This is my boss, not my best friend....although we have hung out socially, we are by no means close friends and she knows nothing about my marriage or my husband. I mentioned it to him and he was infuriated that she would say anything like that to me. He also said that if she really knew anything about him, she'd know that he doesn't let what's going on in his personal life affect anything at work. The real reason he's focused and distant is because he's frustrated with what's been going on around work and we're ready to MOVE HOME. I was just so appalled and taken aback by what she said. I almost started crying in her office because I was so shocked, but I didn't want to give her the satisfaction or the impression that she was correct about any of what she was saying.

I could go on about this forever, but this rant is long enough. I guess all I'm saying is that I can't believe the insensitivity and carelessness of some people. It's disheartening and doesn't make what I'm going through any easier. I'm sure I'm not the only person this has happened to.....I do make sure to think before I speak, though.


  1. I always tell myself the one thing I've gained by dealing with IF is the awareness it's brought me. To realize that you never know what's going on in peoples' lives, and until they bring it up to me its absolutely no business of matter how curious I might be.

    Those comments in the work place would really bother me too, especially after going through a m/c...not cool! I'm sorry you have to deal with insensitive and nosey people, and hoping they back off you soon!

  2. Wow...just wow. Most of our friends and family know DH and I are trying and "failing" so it's more support than questions. Work though, I haven't uttered a word about us even TTC so I do get the "are you pregnant yet?" question every once in a while and I just respond back with "nope". I haven't had to deal with what you have so I don't even know how I would react!

  3. I can't believe people would say things like that to you!! I hope they stop or that you get to move back home. Your private life should be just that but maybe people don't get it I guess

  4. Ugh! What insensitive clods!

    I just take consolation in the fact that this experience is teaching me to NEVER make personal remarks to people I don't know intimately well, even if I think it's just a joke or offhand remark.

  5. I never ask people if they're pregnant or anything either.

    When I had my miscarriage I was honest with people because I wanted the support and I knew that the only way they'd understand is if I was open with them. I have no problems with people asking me about being pregnant and what not. Sometimes people just don't understand it can be touchy. Not until they themselves have experienced it or been close with someone who has been pregnant or miscarried.

  6. It's pretty unbelieveable how insensitive some people can be, and honestly, what the boss did was unforgivable. No wonder your husband was infuriated!