Sunday, May 9, 2010

Today is harder than I thought.

Once again, Facebook is the devil. I know it sounds terrible, and I'll probably switch to what I'm now playfully calling the "dark side" once I'm a mother, but if I read one more "Being a mother is the best thing that's ever happened to me" message on Facebook today, I think I'm going to freak out. I mean, dagger--in heart---twisting.....ouch. So I'm not going on Facebook any more today. Nope. Because all of those mothers have a right to say what they want and be happy today. It is THEIR day. They deserve it. It just makes me miserable to think about it because I'm feeling mopey and sorry for myself, and then I feel guilty for being selfish and jealous, so I'll steer clear today.

I was fine yesterday hanging out with Grouper's family until fertile SIL with 4 kids, all conceived on the first try, tells me once again that Grouper and I need to have like four or five kids. My response, "Um, I'd be happy with just one right now and at this point, that's hard enough for me to accomplish." To which she retorted, "You need to just relax and quit thinking about it." And my mother in law chimed in, "Yeah, it'll happen in God's good time. He's just granting the wish that you had a long time ago---not to be pregnant in Canada." Wow, thanks, ladies! Such sensitive and thoughtful words of encouragement! I then took my 3 month old niece and just cuddled her for about an hour in a chair, secretly wishing she was mine, trying not to totally lose it.

We were just out at Home Depot picking up some things for the house, and I saw 3 huge pregnant women waddling around the store and about a dozen other happy families with cute little babies. I felt like I did shortly after my MC--wanting to hyperventilate and run out of the store every time I see a baby bump. I took some deep breaths and kept going.

Now I'm just numb. Not wanting to go anywhere or do anything.

And I thought I was going to be fine today. Who was I kidding?

I want my life back. I'm tired of being a semi-depressed and sometimes psycho TTC'er.

Ok, that's out of my system. I'm letting it go now. At least my puppy loves me and is spending Mother's Day with me. :)

I think I'll go shopping now. Retail therapy always helps.


  1. Praying for you girl.. Mother's Day used to make me want to crawl in a hole and die. It really is so hard, but seriously, and I know it's hard to hear, but God does have a plan for you. We just aren't usually lucky enough to know it before hand. It's a hard day for Mothers whose babies aren't down here with us... Keep your head up. It will happen.

  2. Gidget, I feel you. Today sucked royally. But I very shrewdly did not sign onto Facebook at all. Ha ha, smug mommies! I beat you at your own game!

    Your pup is adorable. Mine's been a cuddly comfort today, too. I'm not feeling very hopeful these days, so I'm going to pick up your mantra: one day, we'll get to celebrate this day, too, and we'll know what it *means* in a way other mother's can't.

  3. I agree - keep your head up and don't think about it (too much) right now. I know I try not to, but the babies everywhere phenonmenon makes it hard.

    It'll happen! Just keep remembering that :)