10-26-09

Was the happiest day of my life.  The day I got my BFP.

Sigh.

A year later, here we are.  Back at square one.  No baby.  A baby room with a fresh coat of paint, a crib all set up and ready to go, but no baby.

Sometimes, that kills me.

And so it begins.....

It's been a long day for a lot of reasons.  The new puppy is fitting in well with the familiy, but the bottom line is that she's a PUPPY, and she has a lot of learning to do.  That can be frustrating for me and our other "behaved" dog, especially when we're home alone while Grouper's out of town.  We're managing, though, and I guess the overall helplessness and the sleepless nights are decent practice for a baby.  :)

I called this morning to make my appointment for my blood draw tomorrow and realized that TODAY is CD 3, not tomorrow.  Unfortunately I realized this after I ate breakfast.  Oops.  The nurse practitioner had me wait until the afternoon and I went in and had my first blood draw.  I'm not sure exactly what this one is looking for...maybe it's just a starting point.  I go back in a week, and that one is the one where I have to fast and they test my glucose and my thyroid.  Then, I will use OPKs to find out when I'm going to ovulate, and when I'm on my peak day, I am to go in again.  There will be one last test this month, and that will be 8 days after ovulation.

I am so ready to have this done and know what to expect next. 

I found out that apparently my MIL thinks that this testing is "unnecessary" and that we need to stop stressing out and when we relax, it'll happen.  Ha.  Thank goodness she didn't say that to my face, she said it to my SIL.  My SIL stod up for me and said that all things considered, she thinks we're handling everything quite well, and that after two years, we are being "proactive" by being tested.  Thanks, SIL.

On top of that and my period coming two days late and totally screwing with my head, my mom called and told me that she saw one of my old high school classmates at the store, who told her that another classmate of mine (who is unmarried, doesn't have a steady job, and has a boyfriend who has a bunch of kids with a bunch of different women), is pregnant and that I'm apparently on the list to be invited to her baby shower. JOY.  I haven't talked to this girl for like five years......why would I be on the list?  Not only that, I couldn't believe my mother, the woman who struggled with infertility for nine years, would call me up to tell me something like that out of the blue.  Ugh.  She could have at least prefaced it with, "I know you don't wanna hear this, but...."  I think it wouldn't normally bug me, but she called the day I started my period.  Gag.  I know, I'm whining, but sometimes I have to.

Ok, I'm gonna get back on the positive track, right now.  This is the last month that we'll have uncertainty.....soon, we'll have answers and we'll know what to do next.

And if I get my Christmas/birthday wish this year, I'll be pregnant by Christmas.

I'm off to find my stationery.....I might just write Santa a letter this year.  :)

Bust. Again. (and gratuitous doggie cuteness)

Yesterday. CD 14.  Temp dropped, but no AF and no signs of her showing up.

Today.  CD 15.  Two days after when AF usually shows up.  Temp went back up when I took it at 6am (granted, I was totally sleep deprived, but I was totally surprised).  Took a test.  STILL negative. Still no signs of AF.  Then I went to the bathroom at about 5pm (if I start, I normally start in the morning).....and HELLO, AF!

I shouldn't have been disappointed, surprised, whatever, but I was.  I mean, I can do this when I have normal cycles that result in AF, but when I'm two days late?  Yeah, that sucks.

Grouper and I had another really awesome heart to heart last night about our options and how it really wouldn't be the end of the world if we end up having to adopt.  He just kept reassuring me that the doctor will be able to help us and we'll have answers before we know it.

I have to call the doc's office first thing Monday to schedule a blood draw for the next two Tuesdays.  Gropuer's first semen analysis is Wednesday.

IUI, here we come (most likely).....even though my doc hasn't laid out a specific plan as to when we'll do our first one, that's what she indicated would be our best option, and if I had to guess, the month of November will probably be our "running tests" month and we'll be a go for my December cycle. 

I'd take a BFP for Christmas and my birthday, no problem!

In the meantime, I have this to keep me busy. 

So far she's doing a pretty good job of keeping my mind off of things.  And we're definitely getting a taste of what sleep deprivation with children will be like....she's cried ALL night long for the past two nights! And she sleeps during the day, of course....sometimes in my coffee table.

At least she's getting along with her sister.

And I had to throw in this picture of Grouper and Delilah......he was trying his best to calm her down and reassure her that we still love her, even though we have another dog.....now do you see why I think he'll make an awesome dad?  :)

13 DPO

I should start AF today.  Normally my temperature has taken a huge nose dive by now.  

It still hasn't.  I caved late last night and took a test, which was, of course, NEGATIVE. The chart is looking REALLY good, but I'm afraid that as usual, it's too good to be true.  I've noticed that I've been extra hungry and more tired than normal the past day or so as well.  But all of those symptoms sometimes happen when AF is coming, too.  Grouper asked me again last night why I'm always so negative about my chances of getting pregnant.  I told him because I was tired of always getting my hopes up and then getting kicked in the teeth.  He just doesn't get it sometimes.  This morning my temperature held fairly steady, and I was going to test again, but I couldn't bear to do it.  So I guess I'll test again tomorrow if my temperature holds.  Maybe I should just follow FF's advice and wait until Sunday and stop giving myself major mindf***.  

But, honestly, check out this comparison chart of the last four consecutive months. This month is orange. It's looking pretty good, right??  Or maybe, as I fear, it's another month like the month in green.  We'll see.

Oh, man.

So the verdict is still out on whether I'm pregnant or not.  I'm afraid to take a test, so I'm waiting at least one more day.  In the meantime, I'm proceeding with things as if I'm not, because why would this month be any different than the past however many months?  Anyway, it's time to schedule Grouper's semen analysis.  He's being kind of a baby about it, in my opinion.  First of all, he won't call himself - his excuse:  "I sit in a cube, not an office.  What am I supposed to do, yell out, in the middle of a bunch of people, "HEY, CAN I DROP OFF SOME SPERM?"  Ok, I get that, but he also drives to work a half hour each way every day and is often out on the road during the day.  Whatever.  So this morning I'm trying to talk to him to get the best days for him (via text, of course, because this can't be vocally discussed while he's in the office), and he wanted me to schedule it for a time they're not open.  He got annoyed by that, of course.  I asked him if he wanted me to ask if he could "produce" his sample at home (my doc gave us cups for him to use) and then take it to the office.  He said I should ask which is best and then......I should ask if I can "visit" the office with him.

Um.  Ew.  I think that's a little weird, don't you think?  Both of us going into the "sample production" room?  Yikes.  I'm voting for him doing it at home.

But I think he's being a wimp.  And I told him so.  I mean, as my doctor said, if the worst thing he has to do throughout this process is, um, satisfy himself into a cup a couple times, is that really so terrible?

Men.  Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

I love it when song lyrics speak to me.

I just got the new Sugarland album today, and when this song came on, it literally stopped me in my tracks. I know it is meant to be for someone who got dumped and is trying to move on, but it definitely applies to someone like me, too. The album's pretty decent overall, but I think I like this song best.

Little Miss done on love,
Little Miss I give up,
Little Miss I'll get tough, don't you worry 'bout me anymore

Little Miss checkered dress,
Little Miss one big mess,
Little Miss I'll take less when I always knew so much more

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
Yeah, sometimes ya gotta lose 'til ya win,
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
It'll be alright again, it'll be alright again

I'm okay, It'll be alright again, I'm okay (okay) It'll be alright again, I'm okay

Little Miss do your best,
Little Miss never rest,
Little Miss, be my guest, I'll make more anytime it runs out

Little Miss you'll go far,
Little Miss hide your scars,
Little Miss who you are is so much more than you like to talk about

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
Yeah, sometimes ya gotta lose 'til ya win,
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
It'll be alright again, it'll be alright again,

I'm okay, It'll be alright again, I'm okay (okay) It'll be alright again, I'm okay

Hold on, hold on, you are loved, are loved

Little Miss brand new start,
Little Miss do your part,
Little Miss big ole heart beats wide open, she's ready now for love

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
Yeah, sometimes ya gotta lose 'til ya win,
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
It'll be alright again, it'll be alright again

I'm okay, It'll be alright again, I'm okay (okay) It'll be alright again, I'm okay,

It'll be alright again.

Here's my candle.

As I'm sure most of you know, today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

I'm sending up prayers and thoughts today for everyone who has lost someone.

I'm 4dpo and I'm so optimistic this cycle that it's scary.  I need to stop.

Part of me is optimistic because I totally knew when I was going to ovulate.  Month 2 of using OPKs and knowing what the readings really meant for my body allowed us to "hit the nail on the head," so to speak.

Part of me is optimistic because I am hoping that we're one of those couples that finally goes to the doctor and makes a plan for the future only to have to throw that plan out the window because the BFP finally shows up.

And lastly, I'm optimistic because I know how my luck works.  My college roommates' wedding, the one I'm supposed to be in, falls on June 25, 2010.  If, and that's a big if, this is the month, my EDD is July 1.  That means I would not be able to travel the four hours in the car each way to be in the wedding.  She's already told me that she's forecasting that I won't be able to be there.  The same thing would have happened had our first baby made it - only it would have been my sister's wedding that I would have missed.

I got pregnant last October, why not this one, too?

What the doctor said....

I am feeling more optimistic than I have in a while.

My doctor is so great.  She's so easy to talk to, she makes me feel like she genuinely cares and wants to help us, and most of all, she makes me feel NORMAL.

I gave her all of my charts, she looked them over, and she said that it looks like I'm ovulating pretty regularly, and even though I've had a bit of different in ovulation days and luteal phase length, they're nothing major.  She also said that as much as she hated to say it because she knows how I'd feel, it's a good sign that I DID get pregnant once, even if it didn't stick.

I told her about Grouper's issue....I think I've shared it here before.  I think.  One of his testicles never descended when he was a kid.  They had to remove it when he was like four.  They told his parents when he had the surgery that it would not impact his ability to have kids.   He's never had his sperm quality tested before though, so the more I think about it, the more I'm not so sure that everything's ok.  Anyway, when I told my doctor that, she said that even though I did get pregnant once, it definitely wouldn't hurt to get him tested...because as she said, "Even those with sperm quality issues can still shoot a winner every once in a while."  He is to give samples two different times, and I'll also be getting some tests done.  I'll have to go to her office to give blood on days 3 and 10 of my next cycle, and then again 5 days after I ovulate.  She said once we get all of those results, we'll decide what to do.  She said I may possibly have to have dye injected into my tubes to see if everything's clear or get a laproscopy to check for endometriosis, but she doesn't think that it'll get to that point.  She said if it is a sperm problem, she does the IUI at her office.  I was very relieved to hear that.  I love her so much and I'm so comfortable with her....it'll be nice to have her as my doctor for all of that. 

So it was a good appointment.  A good day.  Because now we have a plan.  We're getting somewhere, FINALLY.  And it feels great!

Getting nervous....

The day I've been waiting for for so long is finally here.

I leave for the doctor in 45 minutes.  I'm starting to get really nervous.

Grouper can't figure out why I'm nervous about this - he said, "She's a doctor.  She's there to help you.  You trust her. She'll help us figure out what to do next."

I said, "Well, this doctor's appointment could in fact alter the rest of our lives."  Yes, I know, I'm being dramatic, but it's kinda true.

Or she may just say, "Come back next week," or she might refer us to someone else.

I don't know.

I have my charts printed off and questions ready.  Wish me luck.  I'll be back to update later, I'm sure.