If I see one more nonchalant, "yeah, we're expecting" FB status or read one more article about a pregnant celebrity who got pregnant "without even trying" or is having "fashion emergency" because of their new baby bump, I think I'm going to explode.

That's all.

Maybe the solution is that I need to just unplug from the computer for a couple days.

Bust.

I never bothered taking that test because my temperature started the "nose-dive" yesterday morning and fell even further today.  AF is here, even though so far it's just been light.

I am bummed, but I honestly can say that this time I really wasn't expecting anything different.

Next month we'll have *one shot* to get pregnant....Grouper leaves for his fishing trip (10 days in Northern Ontario without a cell phone..boo) on Aug 5th and it looks like I will most likely O around the 7th, so we'll say "farewell" in the biblical sense and see what happens. 

The month after that will most likely bring OPK sticks (eww) and the month after that we're going to the doctor.

Hey, if nothing else, we have a plan.

Do I dare???

My temp went back up a bit today, which I took as a good sign, I guess.  Then I overlayed this month (light blue) with two previous months, and now I'm not as excited.  There are no signs of spotting today, I am still really tired, and my eyes were dry again this morning.  It seems I have a more sensitive smell, too, but that could be because there are lots of different smells when there are people moving all of your stuff out of your house.  For example, right now, I smell stale smoke, rubber mats, cardboard boxes, and tape adhesive.  Yuck.  I've been sneezing a lot, too, but that could be because of all the dust that hides under furniture that hasn't been moved in three years.

I don't have any tests here...they're all under my bathroom counter in Michigan.  We're leaving tonight to go there for the weekend, so I'll test either later on tonight--if I can't handle the suspense--or first thing tomorrow morning.  I almost want to wait and see if my temperature does the obligatory dip.  I'm really REALLY nervous for some reason!

I just can't stop analyzing my chart--yet I still can't come to a conclusion. Grouper saw it this morning and said, "I hate your charts.  They're either a big fat no or a maybe, never a yes!"

Tell me about it.

CD 12

Still waiting, waiting, waiting. 

I'm just not really sure what to think this cycle.  I really really REALLY hope this is the cycle for us, because Grouper will for sure be gone during peak time next month, so that means that we'll basically have to take a month off.  I'm having some symptoms, but they're just the normal ones that I tend to have right before AF starts.  The one thing that is a bit different this month is that I've had SUPER dry eyes a few mornings when I got up.  I heard from a good friend that dry eyes can be an early sign of pregnancy.  I'm not holding my breath, though.  We're in the midst of our move (packers are coming within the hour), so I won't get to MI until Friday night.  I'm planning to take a test on Saturday morning if AF hasn't shown up by then.  My temps are seeming low to me...I do find it strange that I've had so many temps that are the exact same thing throughout this cycle....maybe that's a sign, too??   I was hoping today's temp would be higher than it was....that makes me think that I'm out. 

Crossing my fingers.....

Being "realistic" vs. being "negative"

When you've been TTC for as long as I have (yes, I realize it's been just over a year, it could be worse), it starts to become really difficult to recover after endless disappointing cycles when hopes have been riding high.

Lately I've just been telling myself, "I'm not pregnant," or, "we didn't time it too well this month," or, "I'm not going to get pregnant any time soon....why would I have any reason to think otherwise?"

Grouper says that my negative attitude probably isn't helping matters much...that I have to think positively in order to get good results.

Ha.  Easy for him to say.

I, on the other hand, don't think of my attitude as being negative, I think of it as being realistic....because for the past 13 months, that's been the reality--I've been unable to get pregnant (or when I did, I didn't stay pregnant).

Looking at this fact with a realistic perspective, in my opinion, is a hell of a lot easier than thinking that I'm pregnant every single month and getting all hopeful, only to crash and burn once my period shows up.

I told Grouper the other night that if I just automatically expect the worst to happen, maybe I'll eventually be pleasantly surprised and proven wrong.

I don't see that as negativity at all.....do you?

---------------
Post script:
I mentioned in this post on my other blog that we're FINALLY going to be moving back to Michigan in the next week and a half or so.  Since I've known that this is really going to happen -- which has been for about a week now-- I've had three different people come up to me and say something about how I look so well-rested or so refreshed or so relaxed or something along those lines.  People NEVER say that sort of thing to me...as a matter of fact, it's usually the opposite.  I'm often told how tired I look.  I'm taking that as a sign that the stress is finally on the way out of our lives.....and that can only lead to good things. It's like a weight has been lifted. Look at me....I was almost positive in those last couple sentences!  :)

I'm at 6dpo right now, and as I suspected, FF finally moved my CH to day 15.  We'll see where this cycle takes us.  In the meantime, excuse me while I move back to the U.S.  :) 

Spike

This chart is totally messed up.  The hot weather is really giving me fits with trying to chart my temps.  And last night I had a few glasses of wine at a BBQ (yeah, I know I probably shouldn't have, but I haven't had any reason lately--you know, like in the last nine months--to think that I am pregnant, so I'm trying to enjoy my summer and my last few social gatherings here in Canada).  When we came home, we forgot to turn the fan on and Grouper woke up at 3am sweating and turned it on, so I think wine + no fan led to the big spike. 

FF is saying I O'ed on day 12...I don't believe that.  I think it was on day 15 again, but I can't be sure, of course.  Once we're done traveling so much, I'm going to finally break down and get some OPKs, I think.  Maybe next month....we'll see.

We timed our extra-curriculars pretty well this month, but I don't really think that I'm pregnant.  I've become quite the pessimist--I'm afraid to be excited or hopeful because I'm tired of being let down.  With that said, I am SO tired today (even though I got at least 10 hours' sleep on Friday and Saturday nights and 8 hours last night) and I'm starving all the time.  It's too early for symptoms, I tell myself.  I won't have them anyway because I'm not pregnant. 

As most of you know, the conversations you have with yourself after this many months of TTC can get quite interesting.

Numb.

My first due date has come and gone.  I haven't cried.  I'm just numb to it, honestly.

I get a pang of longing/jealousy in my heart every time I see a woman out in public who is visibly getting close to her due date, but that's become the norm now.  It's manageable.

I've become a "cheerleader" of sorts for my friends in the bloggy world that are getting their BFPs and progressing through their pregnancies....and that feels good.  The joy that jumps out of the computer screen at me when I read their excited posts and the happiness in their faces as they hold their growing bellies makes my heart happy, surprisingly.  Yes, I have my bad days, but when I see that it is possible to have a healthy pregnancy after IF and miscarriages, it's so refreshing and I hope that it will be my turn sometime soon.

I will say that I have had a great summer so far.  My sister's wedding was awesome (and it was even MORE enjoyable since I was able to enjoy adult beverages), and I had a great 4th of July holiday with my family.

One thing that came out last weekend that was very unexpected but very welcomed was the fact that my mom and I had our first talk about our TTC issues.  I've mentioned it here before, but my mom and dad struggled with 9 years of infertility (my mom got her BFP with me just days before their last scheduled home visit from an adoption agency) and my mom was so affected by it that she never really opened up to me about it.  I don't remember how we started talking about it, I think she was curious as to what our next step is if we continue to get BFNs, so I told her what's going on and that we're most likely going to wait until we're moved back and settled and it's been a year since my first pregnancy, and if we're still at square 1 by then, we'll go to a specialist.

I did tell my mom that I am really scared of what the doctors might say to us because I'm terrified of the thought of IUIs and IVF.  I am concerned about the stress that they cause, not to mention the cost and the fact that then I could have multiple children with serious health issues (not that I don't want multiples, but I don't want to be Octomom, either, you know?  There's gotta be a happy medium).  The way I look at it is, if it gets to that point with us and our IF journey, we would most likely choose to look into adoption - we could provide a loving home for a child who is already here that may otherwise not have the opportunity.

Anyway, it was the best talk we've ever had.  She said she's really concerned about me being consumed by the stresses of infertility because it happened to her and it was one of the most difficult things that she's ever been through.  A sense of relief washed over me afterwards....I guess it took some pressure off.  I know my mom and dad are very understanding and would never want me and Grouper to feel like they were pressuring us to have a grandchild, and after our talk, I realize that they can totally relate and that they won't bring it up unless we want to talk about it.  That's a nice feeling.

In depressing news, I had two "are you expecting?" type comments this week (someone might as well have stabbed me in the heart), and I had a friend from HS who asked me when we were going to have kids in a Facebook message.  When I tried to deflect the question, she wrote back, "What exactly does that mean?", so I let her have it.  I told her everything.  How we've been trying for 13 months and we had a miscarriage almost nine months ago and now nothing's happening and it's very hard and frustrating.  Her response?  Nothing.  Not a damn word.  I was pissed.  I mean, if she was nosy enough to ask, she should at least have enough respect to respond to my answer.  And I know she got the message because she's been online since.  Whatever.  Oh, did I mention she's currently pregnant with child #3?  Yes.  Sigh.

Oh well.  It is what it is.  I should be ovulating on Friday or Saturday.  Hopefully we'll get a good result.  If not, life goes on. 

A day of silence, in his honor.....