Wednesday, July 7, 2010


My first due date has come and gone.  I haven't cried.  I'm just numb to it, honestly.

I get a pang of longing/jealousy in my heart every time I see a woman out in public who is visibly getting close to her due date, but that's become the norm now.  It's manageable.

I've become a "cheerleader" of sorts for my friends in the bloggy world that are getting their BFPs and progressing through their pregnancies....and that feels good.  The joy that jumps out of the computer screen at me when I read their excited posts and the happiness in their faces as they hold their growing bellies makes my heart happy, surprisingly.  Yes, I have my bad days, but when I see that it is possible to have a healthy pregnancy after IF and miscarriages, it's so refreshing and I hope that it will be my turn sometime soon.

I will say that I have had a great summer so far.  My sister's wedding was awesome (and it was even MORE enjoyable since I was able to enjoy adult beverages), and I had a great 4th of July holiday with my family.

One thing that came out last weekend that was very unexpected but very welcomed was the fact that my mom and I had our first talk about our TTC issues.  I've mentioned it here before, but my mom and dad struggled with 9 years of infertility (my mom got her BFP with me just days before their last scheduled home visit from an adoption agency) and my mom was so affected by it that she never really opened up to me about it.  I don't remember how we started talking about it, I think she was curious as to what our next step is if we continue to get BFNs, so I told her what's going on and that we're most likely going to wait until we're moved back and settled and it's been a year since my first pregnancy, and if we're still at square 1 by then, we'll go to a specialist.

I did tell my mom that I am really scared of what the doctors might say to us because I'm terrified of the thought of IUIs and IVF.  I am concerned about the stress that they cause, not to mention the cost and the fact that then I could have multiple children with serious health issues (not that I don't want multiples, but I don't want to be Octomom, either, you know?  There's gotta be a happy medium).  The way I look at it is, if it gets to that point with us and our IF journey, we would most likely choose to look into adoption - we could provide a loving home for a child who is already here that may otherwise not have the opportunity.

Anyway, it was the best talk we've ever had.  She said she's really concerned about me being consumed by the stresses of infertility because it happened to her and it was one of the most difficult things that she's ever been through.  A sense of relief washed over me afterwards....I guess it took some pressure off.  I know my mom and dad are very understanding and would never want me and Grouper to feel like they were pressuring us to have a grandchild, and after our talk, I realize that they can totally relate and that they won't bring it up unless we want to talk about it.  That's a nice feeling.

In depressing news, I had two "are you expecting?" type comments this week (someone might as well have stabbed me in the heart), and I had a friend from HS who asked me when we were going to have kids in a Facebook message.  When I tried to deflect the question, she wrote back, "What exactly does that mean?", so I let her have it.  I told her everything.  How we've been trying for 13 months and we had a miscarriage almost nine months ago and now nothing's happening and it's very hard and frustrating.  Her response?  Nothing.  Not a damn word.  I was pissed.  I mean, if she was nosy enough to ask, she should at least have enough respect to respond to my answer.  And I know she got the message because she's been online since.  Whatever.  Oh, did I mention she's currently pregnant with child #3?  Yes.  Sigh.

Oh well.  It is what it is.  I should be ovulating on Friday or Saturday.  Hopefully we'll get a good result.  If not, life goes on. 


  1. Gidget, I'm sorry you are feeling low right now. The EDD is a hard one, no question. I've been a bit extra sensitive to all the women with big fat bellies or brand new babies right now. Did you know that this is actually one of the most statistically frequent times of the year to give birth? Apparently men are a little less fertile in the summer b/c of the heat and then more so again in the fall. Anyway, seeing all these women and thinking about the "should haves" hurts so much.

    I hope we can both get good news before it's time to see the specialist.

  2. I too hope you get good news before you have to see a specialist, but I also don't think it will be that bad if you do go. At least you will have a chance of finding out what is wrong- and it could be something really simple! Like something that an IUI or 2 would fix (and those aren't that expensive). I don't think you need to worry about becoming octomom!!! :)

    I find all these burgeoning bellies really difficult these days too. So so so not fair. I hate feeling like half a woman.

    I'm glad your summer is going well in other areas, and that you got to have that good talk with your mom (9 years of IF!? Holy crap!!!).

  3. I am thinking of you during this time. My EDD scares the crap out of me and I can only imagine how hard it is to see those pregnant bellies around you.
    What a moving moment between you and your mother. I am glad you can lean on her during this journey.
    I am crossing my fingers and toes that you do not need to see an RE at any point, but please feel free to contact me if you have any questions about that process. I am happy to help if I can.
    Your friend sucks for not replying to you, she clearly does not get this at all.
    Thinking of you.

  4. Hey friend!

    I'm so glad you were able to talk to your mom about's got to be nice to have things out in the open with them, especially since you know they understand. Interestingly enough, you and I are on very similar cycles...I guess we know what each other will be doing this weekend!:) Of course, I will be on vacation in MN with 15 family members so my experience will probably be decidely less fun than yours! Haha! Hope to see you at the end of the month! Love ya!

  5. Sorry for the facebook "friend" experience. I totally agree with you, if they ask, then they need to be able to handle the answer well enough. I also agree with you that it makes me hopeful to see other IF bloggers go through healthy pregnancies. If it can happen for them, it can happen for us, too.
    The conversation with your mom sounds really good. So relieving to have someone that understands. My in-laws know, but I don't think they understand as they were hyper-fertile. And I haven't even told my dad as there wasn't really a chance to bring up the topic... maybe when I visit him during the summer. It's a sad thing, I don't even know how to bring it up. I'd much rather say that he'll become a granddad in x months. But of course you know that.

  6. I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this right now, it's so unfair. *hugs*

  7. Ugh, that annoys me about your friend on facebook prying and then not even having the respect to respond and say she was sorry. Lately facebook does nothing but bring me down. Thinking of you and wishing you a BFP soon. You deserve it!

  8. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier to deal with, but it really doesn't. However, it will happen girl. I went through four losses and multiple treatments and yes, it sucked, but it got me my baby girl and she was more than worth every single tear, every frustration and every procedure. They'll find out whats wrong, it will get fixed, you'll be a Mommy and you'll still wonder why it was so hard, but it won't matter as much anymore. Mourn your loss girl. But don't let it consume you.

    If you ever need to talk, email me. I didn't talk about my losses and just dealt with it by myself and I think it makes it way worse.

  9. Hang in there. I was scared of IUI's after a couple it was a piece of cake. (A costly piece of cake) I'm now most likely on to IVF this fall, and although I'm a little nervous, it will be fine too (I hope) and a really expensive piece of cake.