Numb.

My first due date has come and gone.  I haven't cried.  I'm just numb to it, honestly.

I get a pang of longing/jealousy in my heart every time I see a woman out in public who is visibly getting close to her due date, but that's become the norm now.  It's manageable.

I've become a "cheerleader" of sorts for my friends in the bloggy world that are getting their BFPs and progressing through their pregnancies....and that feels good.  The joy that jumps out of the computer screen at me when I read their excited posts and the happiness in their faces as they hold their growing bellies makes my heart happy, surprisingly.  Yes, I have my bad days, but when I see that it is possible to have a healthy pregnancy after IF and miscarriages, it's so refreshing and I hope that it will be my turn sometime soon.

I will say that I have had a great summer so far.  My sister's wedding was awesome (and it was even MORE enjoyable since I was able to enjoy adult beverages), and I had a great 4th of July holiday with my family.

One thing that came out last weekend that was very unexpected but very welcomed was the fact that my mom and I had our first talk about our TTC issues.  I've mentioned it here before, but my mom and dad struggled with 9 years of infertility (my mom got her BFP with me just days before their last scheduled home visit from an adoption agency) and my mom was so affected by it that she never really opened up to me about it.  I don't remember how we started talking about it, I think she was curious as to what our next step is if we continue to get BFNs, so I told her what's going on and that we're most likely going to wait until we're moved back and settled and it's been a year since my first pregnancy, and if we're still at square 1 by then, we'll go to a specialist.

I did tell my mom that I am really scared of what the doctors might say to us because I'm terrified of the thought of IUIs and IVF.  I am concerned about the stress that they cause, not to mention the cost and the fact that then I could have multiple children with serious health issues (not that I don't want multiples, but I don't want to be Octomom, either, you know?  There's gotta be a happy medium).  The way I look at it is, if it gets to that point with us and our IF journey, we would most likely choose to look into adoption - we could provide a loving home for a child who is already here that may otherwise not have the opportunity.

Anyway, it was the best talk we've ever had.  She said she's really concerned about me being consumed by the stresses of infertility because it happened to her and it was one of the most difficult things that she's ever been through.  A sense of relief washed over me afterwards....I guess it took some pressure off.  I know my mom and dad are very understanding and would never want me and Grouper to feel like they were pressuring us to have a grandchild, and after our talk, I realize that they can totally relate and that they won't bring it up unless we want to talk about it.  That's a nice feeling.

In depressing news, I had two "are you expecting?" type comments this week (someone might as well have stabbed me in the heart), and I had a friend from HS who asked me when we were going to have kids in a Facebook message.  When I tried to deflect the question, she wrote back, "What exactly does that mean?", so I let her have it.  I told her everything.  How we've been trying for 13 months and we had a miscarriage almost nine months ago and now nothing's happening and it's very hard and frustrating.  Her response?  Nothing.  Not a damn word.  I was pissed.  I mean, if she was nosy enough to ask, she should at least have enough respect to respond to my answer.  And I know she got the message because she's been online since.  Whatever.  Oh, did I mention she's currently pregnant with child #3?  Yes.  Sigh.

Oh well.  It is what it is.  I should be ovulating on Friday or Saturday.  Hopefully we'll get a good result.  If not, life goes on.