Deflated

I went to the RE today for my monitoring u/s and what was supposed to be my trigger shot.  Well, since nothing ever seems to just work out without drama or added hassle and complications, I have two follies, but they're not ripe.  Also, because the doc upped my Clo.mid to 150mg, my lining is less than stellar, so I will probably have to be on luteal support drugs this month (which translates to spending even more money and dealing with most likely even more side effects).  I am waiting on a call back from them to see what I do next.  I am just so done with all of this, I really think that if this month doesn't work, I need to take a break for a little while.

In Grouper news, he went to the urologist on Monday.  The doctor thinks that there is a chance that he might have a variocele (sp?) vein - and that could explain the issue with his morphology.  He has an ultrasound scheduled for Friday afternoon. If it is not an issue with the vein, the doctor said that chances are that the morphology issue is just an issue he has and there's not much he can do except tell us to do IVF, which I doubt we're going to do.

I'm just done worrying about it.  Done thinking about it.  Done feeling like shit about it.  I HATE this.

Thoughts on a gloomy Monday

I just got home from my Day 3 monitoring ultrasound. 

It was technically scheduled for Day 4 - let me clarify.  When my temperature tanked, I knew I was doomed, so I went ahead and called the RE on Friday, setting up the appointment for today. 

Friday came and went, no AF, no signs of AF, just the low temp.
Saturday came.  Same low temp, but no AF......so of course my curiosity was piqued and I started getting hopeful again. 

Then, Saturday night at about 6pm, AF showed up full force and hasn't relented since.  So not only was I almost 2 days later than expected, now I'm currently dealing with a really bitchy AF. 

Not fun.

I did not get to speak to the RE today, for the first time ever, he was not the one who did my ultrasound, it was a tech.  A nurse met with me afterwards and told me what my plan was - she apparently interrupted his consult appointment to find out what he wanted to do.  The plan is to up my Clomid again - joy- to 150mg, and I go for my ultrasound and trigger shot on the 30th.  I wish I could have talked to him to see where he's going with all this, because I'm pretty convinced that the issue lies more in sperm quality than with the quantity of eggs, but that's just me. 

I got the name of a urologist at my last IUI, and Grouper said I could call - after I got another negative, which of course happened.  Now I'm kicking myself that I didn't just call right away when I got the name because I'm afraid I'm not going to get in this cycle and we're going to waste even more time.....maybe I need to quit it, but the fact that we're already into the last month of 2011 IF we get a positive test makes me a bit anxious.  I just feel like this is taking forever and I want it to be done!  But as per usual, there is still no end in sight.

Grouper, on the other hand, is the most laid back person ever, which normally balances me out, but when it comes to the subject of infertility, it just stresses me the hell out because he's so non-chalant about all of it.  I had one of my typical meltdowns on Friday night and he is always so calm and barely shows any emotion.  I don't know what I expect, that's how he always is, but sometimes it makes me feel like he doesn't care.  I told him this, and he said that is NOT the case, which of course I knew, but rather that it is completely out of our control and so he doesn't see the point of getting so stressed out and worked up over something that we can't change. 

Work with me, fellow IF'ers....don't comments like that just make you want to smack people upside the head?  I don't know, it just rubbed me the wrong way for some reason.

Then there's my much-older best friend with three kids who never had any fertility problems (but did have a miscarriage at one point) who always asks how things are going and tries to be all positive and wants me to tell her how I feel and stuff, and when I do, she says things like, "Well, why don't you just focus on something else for a while?  Don't you have to take some classes to keep your teaching license current?  Is there any chance of you getting a long term teaching position?  There's nothing you can do about it right now, so why don't you just let things happen the way they're going to happen."  While she means well, I just want to slap her.  I'm sorry, but nothing on the face of the planet could make me "take my mind off" of this.  When you get to this point in the process, it's all or nothing.  You either have to be going to weekly or bi-weekly appointments, taking medicine, peeing on sticks, getting shots and catheters shot up in you, or doing nothing at all, which is not going to help us achieve our end result.  You can't just stop thinking about something that you want this badly that you've been doing everything in your power to get.  It doesn't work that way.

I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand, or a maze, or a bunch of vines that keep wrapping themselves around my body and squeezing the life out of me. 

The problem remains that I don't know how to get out.

Enough said.

I am so over this shit.

14 DPO

This month's in orange.  I originally got very excited because my temps are a bit higher than normal, but then I realized that every month I've been medicated (they're all shown here), looks pretty much just like this - two days that are pretty much the same, and then a huge nose dive and AF shows up.  When my temp went up yesterday, I wanted to test, but all I had were those little cheapie strips that came with my OPKs....I used one, and of course it was negative.   My charts are consistent - consistently negative!  This month, though, I've felt a lot different.  Two days ago, I had a half-day teaching job, and when I got home at noon, I laid on the couch and didn't move until 5 because I was so exhausted.  I slept for a lot of it, too.  And that didn't stop me from sleeping 11 hours that night.  I've got sore bbs, I've been having weird cramping, and I have a headache today.  On Saturday, I was nauseous.....the only other time that happened, I was pregnant, and it only happened once for about 5 minutes, which was exactly how this little episode was.  I want to stop thinking about all these things, but I can't.

I guess time will tell tomorrow.........

Food For Thought

"For in life there is no music, you have no cues. Most things happen in silence. You live your life forward and remember only backward. Nothing is relived, only just remembered and that incompletely. And life isn't simple like a movie story, there is too much to remember. And all that you forget, it's gone as if it has never been. Instead of crying you might as well laugh."- Excerpt from The Gravedigger's Daughter by Joyce Carol Oates

And I almost forgot.....

There was another one of those creepy coincidences that I sometimes see as a "sign" that happened as I got in my car today to leave the RE's office.

I got in, turned the car on, and the song that was playing on the radio was the song that I posted about on the day the album came out - "Little Miss" by Sugarland.  That song has kinda been my anthem ever since.

The most important lyrics of all are these - "It'll be alright again." 

I heard them and I smiled.

IUI #2

I didn't know for sure if we were going to be able to pull this one off today - we woke up to super slick roads and lots of accidents (a friend of mine saw 20 accidents in 2 miles), but we took our time and each made it to the RE's office safely, albeit a bit late.  After today's drive in, I could definitely tell I'm on hormones.  I normally have a touch of road rage, but it was to the extreme today.  I wanted to snap some necks!

Grouper's sample was AWESOME today, the lab tech even said "excellent," which I always like to hear, because if there's one thing they don't do at my RE's office, it's BS us about what's going on.  They tell it like it is.  His numbers today were 20.8 million post wash with over 90% motility, so that is really promising in comparison to the other two cycles. 

I'm feeling really good about things this month.  I'm almost tempted to say "at peace," which is weird, because that never truly happens.

Grouper started a new position within his company this past week and his new responsibilities will be taking him to Germany in a couple weeks, and there's a good chance I will be able to go with him.  I am hoping so, because if that's the case, most of my 2ww anxiety and energy can be put into thinking about and planning my 4 or so days in Deutschland.  That would be AWESOME.  And it is the perfect time, because the worst case scenario is that I'd be dealing with AF, and that's nothing new.

Here we go.  Time to hurry up and wait again!

IUI #1 this month.....

9.1 million after wash......84% motility (WAYYYY better than last month).  I find those numbers to be promising.  I'd like the overall count to be higher, but hey, it only takes one.
The white blood cells were back, but there were less this time and they were able to be removed during the wash.  I got the names of two urologists in the area that Grouper can choose from - I want him to go and see what that's all about, and hopefully there's something they can do to improve the quality of the sperm and get rid of those WBCs for good.

IUI #2 is tomorrow morning, same bat time, same bat channel.

I've been triggered.

I went to the RE today for my monitoring appointment and trigger shot.  My endometrium was good, (9.2), I have one follicle on each side, and the one on the left was called "huge and gorgeous" by the RE, and he even showed me the actual egg floating around inside it during the ultrasound.  It was awesome!  He was very optimistic about this cycle and recommended that we try two back-to-back IUIs again this month.  I have one tomorrow and and one Friday, both at 830, which should work out perfect since I'll ovulate at around 9pm tomorrow night.  I just love my doctor.  We have a good rapport.  He's super nice, he likes college basketball and told me I have good taste in teams (a man after my own heart, haha) and today he even gave me the trigger shot himself.  It's the little things like that and the fact that he's willing to do the little things that make me feel so certain that we're in the right place right now and that he'll be able to help us to have a baby.

Wish us luck over the next two days.....when I told Grouper about my huge and gorgeous follie, he said, "Ok, now all you need is some huge, gorgeous, and strong sperm.  I'll get right on that."  Fingers crossed, y'all!