Monday, March 21, 2011

Thoughts on a gloomy Monday

I just got home from my Day 3 monitoring ultrasound. 

It was technically scheduled for Day 4 - let me clarify.  When my temperature tanked, I knew I was doomed, so I went ahead and called the RE on Friday, setting up the appointment for today. 

Friday came and went, no AF, no signs of AF, just the low temp.
Saturday came.  Same low temp, but no of course my curiosity was piqued and I started getting hopeful again. 

Then, Saturday night at about 6pm, AF showed up full force and hasn't relented since.  So not only was I almost 2 days later than expected, now I'm currently dealing with a really bitchy AF. 

Not fun.

I did not get to speak to the RE today, for the first time ever, he was not the one who did my ultrasound, it was a tech.  A nurse met with me afterwards and told me what my plan was - she apparently interrupted his consult appointment to find out what he wanted to do.  The plan is to up my Clomid again - joy- to 150mg, and I go for my ultrasound and trigger shot on the 30th.  I wish I could have talked to him to see where he's going with all this, because I'm pretty convinced that the issue lies more in sperm quality than with the quantity of eggs, but that's just me. 

I got the name of a urologist at my last IUI, and Grouper said I could call - after I got another negative, which of course happened.  Now I'm kicking myself that I didn't just call right away when I got the name because I'm afraid I'm not going to get in this cycle and we're going to waste even more time.....maybe I need to quit it, but the fact that we're already into the last month of 2011 IF we get a positive test makes me a bit anxious.  I just feel like this is taking forever and I want it to be done!  But as per usual, there is still no end in sight.

Grouper, on the other hand, is the most laid back person ever, which normally balances me out, but when it comes to the subject of infertility, it just stresses me the hell out because he's so non-chalant about all of it.  I had one of my typical meltdowns on Friday night and he is always so calm and barely shows any emotion.  I don't know what I expect, that's how he always is, but sometimes it makes me feel like he doesn't care.  I told him this, and he said that is NOT the case, which of course I knew, but rather that it is completely out of our control and so he doesn't see the point of getting so stressed out and worked up over something that we can't change. 

Work with me, fellow IF'ers....don't comments like that just make you want to smack people upside the head?  I don't know, it just rubbed me the wrong way for some reason.

Then there's my much-older best friend with three kids who never had any fertility problems (but did have a miscarriage at one point) who always asks how things are going and tries to be all positive and wants me to tell her how I feel and stuff, and when I do, she says things like, "Well, why don't you just focus on something else for a while?  Don't you have to take some classes to keep your teaching license current?  Is there any chance of you getting a long term teaching position?  There's nothing you can do about it right now, so why don't you just let things happen the way they're going to happen."  While she means well, I just want to slap her.  I'm sorry, but nothing on the face of the planet could make me "take my mind off" of this.  When you get to this point in the process, it's all or nothing.  You either have to be going to weekly or bi-weekly appointments, taking medicine, peeing on sticks, getting shots and catheters shot up in you, or doing nothing at all, which is not going to help us achieve our end result.  You can't just stop thinking about something that you want this badly that you've been doing everything in your power to get.  It doesn't work that way.

I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand, or a maze, or a bunch of vines that keep wrapping themselves around my body and squeezing the life out of me. 

The problem remains that I don't know how to get out.


  1. Gidget, I am sorry. I truly understand how frustrated you feel. With MFI, I really think unless you're doing IVF with ICSI, you've just got to get lucky, and the egg situation has less to do with it (which is wonderful when you're a planner/obsessive who would love to DO something to up your chances but doesn't know how).

    My only tip is that we took a month off in December between our 2ndt and 3rd IUIs. We didn't plan to, but DH's travel schedule got in the way. It wound up being really beneficial. I was able to get in a better mental head space, shake off the chemical pregnancy, and be much, much more relaxed when we got to our 3rd IUI.

    My other tip is-- watch out with the 150 mg of Clomid. I had no side effects other than headaches on the lower doses, but on 150 I had two days of practically a nervous breakdown. Eventually I realized what was going on and felt less out of control, but I was freaked for a while. I though I was legitimately going crazy.

  2. I'm so sorry :-( I can't understand what you're going through, but I do know what it's like to have a husband who gets laid back in stressful situations. It seems like whenever I am having a meltdown, my husband gets very mellow and talks about how it's "out of our control" and that I should just not worry( as if it were that easy). I hope that you're able to get the urologist appt ASAP, and please keep us informed. You have a whole bunch of blog friends who are thinking of you :-)

  3. I'm so sorry too :( Our situations actually seem pretty similar. My husband is super laid back too (except about sports LOL). Every month when I'm completed crushed and thinking things like now I won't have a baby before I'm 30, now we won't have a baby in 2011, etc. he's all we're still young and I'm sure it will work out. It's really frustrating sometimes.

    We checked out the urologist too, and for us it didn't really help a lot (and it cost a lot of money!). He recommended surgery for J, who wasn't interested and it took us several weeks to see him for the initial appointment and several weeks between appointments which was frustrating. I guess we got an additional diagnosis out of it, but that was about it. Hopefully your situation will turn out differently with the urologist. Hugs!

  4. All I can say is you keep thinking about this as much as you possibly want. As long as you're thinking positively then you are doing no harm. I'm sure you go through days of 'when will I just get that positive?' but no one 'get's it' unless they've been through it and know what wanting a baby badly feels like.

    It takes a lot of strength, courage and willpower to do what you're doing. I find it amazing what women put their bodies through to want to create a beautiful baby and just get the chance to look into the eyes of sometihng they've created. And when it's all said and done and you're family is finally here it seems as if all the pain you went through fades away.

    I'll keep you in my prayers...