"The Big Break" - Month 1

The first month of us taking a break resulted in what we expected - NOTHING.  Even though I'm kinda happy about it because now I'll be able to ride the rides @ Disney and drink @ my former roommate's wedding, the day that AF shows up is always a sad one.

I just had something I needed to spew out, and I don't want to spew it to too many IRL people, because.....well, just because.

We were at our friends' house last night for a cookout.  They're much older than we are (as are most of our friends), and their 20 year old daughter had a friend over.  My friend M starts telling me the story of this girl.  She turned 19 yesterday.  She showed up at their house - a friend of hers dropped her off, she has no car - and she had a big satchel and M said that she'll most likely be staying at their place for a while because she has been kicked out of her parents' house and just migrates from place to place.  I'm not sure what she does for work or anything.....but they went down to our friends' hot tub and got in, and my friend's husband, D, says, "Should she really be in that hot tub since she's pregnant?"  Oh yes, of course she is.  The 19 year old homeless girl is pregnant.  Fantastic.

My stomach dropped.  My mouth hit the floor. Apparently this is the second time she's been pregnant, this is with a different guy than the first, she had a MC with the first one, but she's 14 weeks along now.  And the guy isn't around.  And she's basically homeless.  I guess M's daughter mentioned the idea of adoption to this girl because she said that she didn't know how she thought she was going to take care of a baby living the way she does.  I guess this girl got really upset and the subject was dropped.  M then says to me, "Yeah, when my daughter said that, I immediately thought of you and Grouper. That would be perfect. "

Well, I think it'd be less than perfect, but the wheels nonetheless started turning in my head.  This baby will be here between Thanksgiving and Christmas this year.  We already have a room ready.  We wouldn't have to go through the complete adoption process, we'd just have to hire a lawyer to iron everything out.  I mentioned it to Grouper once we got home last night.  His response was, "Absolutely not.  I can see it now, she'll show up on our doorstep every few months and want to see the kid.  No way.  We know who she is.  She'd know where we lived.  She'd have a connection to us.  It would never work."

And I guess it probably wouldn't.  But, man........sigh. 

I don't think I'll ever understand why things happen the way they do.

It's really hard to quit cold turkey.

So I know I'm supposed to be on a sabbatical of sorts.  And I am.  It's true.  I called the RE and told them that we're taking the summer off to prove (mostly to myself) that I mean business. 

My thermometer has been in the drawer for almost two weeks. 

My skin is slowly but surely seeming to clear up a bit because I'm not on those ghastly hormones.

Grouper and I are doing what we want when we want - take that however you see fit.  ;)

And it's fantastic, really it is.  I don't think about TTC or infertility as much as I have been.

BUT.

I have a pregnant sister in law.  I have a ton of pregnant friends, some of who I'm trying to knit for at the moment.  I see babies and pregos EVERYWHERE, seriously.  Almost all of the IF blogs I follow are no longer IF blogs, but are now pregnancy or new mommy blogs.  Facebook, as per usual, is chocked full of pictures of bellies and babies and ultrasounds and announcements of babies to come.

And then it's impossible to ignore.  The worst time for me (as it's always been) is when I'm laying in bed, trying to sleep.  I start thinking about how happy we are and that's the truth, but I can't deny the fact that I feel a sense of emptiness that most likely won't be filled until we're parents.  And then that makes me feel like a huge pretender.  Like I'm denying the truth.

I was reading my book last night (The Weird Sisters, I like it so far) and I came across a quote that caught my eye.

"What do you do if you keep losing the game?  You take your marbles and go home."

I guess that's what I've done, but the bottom line is, I still want to play, just without all the hassle and disappointment.  I'm very competitive, and I'm not a quitter.  This makes me feel like I'm quitting. 

So anyway, I just had to get that off my chest.  Back to my regularly scheduled sabbatical and life as a poser.

Let the summer of fun begin!

I took a pregnancy test this morning since we're going to Canada this weekend and I'll probably be getting my drink on.  :)  It was, as expected, negative.  And as weird as it is, I felt kind of relieved.   No more taking my temperature.  No more meds.   One more followup ultrasound where I'll tell my RE that I'm taking some time off.  I am SO excited about this, really.  I booked my girls' trip to Disney World/Wizarding World of Harry Potter last night.  I cannot wait.  And now I'll be able to ride all the rides for sure.  :) 

So I will probably be a bit scarce around here for a while.  Don't worry, though, I'll still be reading about all of your journeys..... :)

Happy Summer, y'all!

Graduation Day

Grouper graduated from the urologist yesterday.  I went with him to the appointment, and he was told that not only was his ultrasound normal, but so was his last semen analysis, and aside from a recommendation for a supplement to take, the urologist said that there's nothing he can do for us and that it's most likely just a matter of time. 

This makes no sense to me.  I cannot wrap my brain around the fact that we've been taking medications, doing procedures, and timing everything right on top of everything supposedly being "normal" and nothing is happening.  I did ask the urologist why there would be such a large discrepancy between his morphology numbers (from less than 1% to 4% in six months) and he said he cannot explain it, but that it's a good thing that the numbers are higher now.  He said that he considers 3% to be normal, so that's even better news.

I am not really that hopeful for this cycle.  I'm 10DPO and I don't feel any different.I think that we just need a break and to focus on each other for a while.  And I really truly am fine with that.  We have plans this weekend to go back to Canada to visit some friends, and our summer is becoming more and more jam-packed with plans.  It'll be awesome.

Stop this crazy train, I wanna get off!

So - remember how last post, I was totally zen about the thought of taking a break for the summer and that at the end of the break, we'd probably start talking about adoption a little more seriously?

Well.

The lab tech from the RE's office called today with the full results from Grouper's detailed semen analysis that we did Saturday.

Every.single.thing.came.back.normal.

I am so confused and bewildered right now.  The morphology has always been the issue - he had less than 1% on the first one, 1% on his second one (mind you, these were done at an independent lab), and for this one on Saturday, his morphology was 4%, which according to the lab tech, is "normal."  Motility was good, count was good, volume was good.

So what the hell, universe?

Why can't we get pregnant?  For that matter, why can't we get pregnant on our own?

I am for sure still taking at least a month off, but now, after the break, I'm not sure what to do.

Total mindf**k.  AGAIN.

So, my fellow and former IF'ers,  what say you about morphology?  Has anyone else's spouse had issues and then all of a sudden, they're gone?

Last ditch effort for a while.....

Today we had our IUI.  The sample was great, we had 27.4 million sperm with 89% motility.  I have 2 follicles that should be mature by now, even though we didn't do a follow up U/S.  They are also going to be doing a more extended analysis on this sample (including the morphology, which they think is our issue) and sending that into the urologist first thing Monday.  Grouper had his U/S on Friday and it was just a tech who did it, so he didn't find anything out.  When they compile the U/S results and the SA stats, then we'll go in for another consultation with the urologist and he'll tell us whether varicocele surgery is an option or if the morphology just is how it is.  At that point, we'll make the decision whether we're going to keep doing IUI or adopt.  I just can't see putting my body through IVF.  It's just not for me, I don't think.  I've had a really hard time being on all of this medication for the past few months.  I've gained two bra sizes, I have the worst acne (especially on my back, it's disgusting) that I've ever had in my life, I get headaches, I'm moody.....and to me, I think I can love a child regardless if it's biologically mine or not.  We are going through with everything this month - I have a blood draw next Friday and that will determine if I need progesterone support (yet another NASTY thing that I'm not looking forward to at all), and if this month is a bust, we're done for a while.  I think we'll take the summer off, at least that's our plan now.  We just moved back to a house on a lake with a pool, I want to enjoy that.  I have a wedding to be in and I have to wear a strapless dress - if I can stop being so acnified and lose some boobage between now and then, I'll be fine with that. I want to golf.  I want to ride on the back of Grouper's Harley.  I have a chance to go to Disney World in August - I just don't want to be thinking about fertility treatments in the midst of all that.  It's consuming me right now and I'm tired of infertility running our lives. I want to be selfish for a while, and I think that I (well, really we, because Grouper has to deal with my insanity through it all) have a right to that after doing all this stuff.   I've come to the realization that our lives are absolutely WONDERFUL with the exception of this one setback, and I want to embrace all that we are so blessed to have and enjoy time with my husband for a while.  Then, in the fall, we'll either go back to fertility treatments or start going to some adoption seminars.  We may actually do that this month - I've found one in our area, and it won't hurt to do that, just to get some information and educate ourselves.  I'm so lucky in that Grouper is totally fine with whatever I decide and I feel like we're really on the same page with everything - I know that's not the case for all couples going through this, so I feel really blessed. 

I guess I'm in a good place......well, maybe it's more like, a "whatever happens, happens," place, but for now, that's good enough for me.

Deflated

I went to the RE today for my monitoring u/s and what was supposed to be my trigger shot.  Well, since nothing ever seems to just work out without drama or added hassle and complications, I have two follies, but they're not ripe.  Also, because the doc upped my Clo.mid to 150mg, my lining is less than stellar, so I will probably have to be on luteal support drugs this month (which translates to spending even more money and dealing with most likely even more side effects).  I am waiting on a call back from them to see what I do next.  I am just so done with all of this, I really think that if this month doesn't work, I need to take a break for a little while.

In Grouper news, he went to the urologist on Monday.  The doctor thinks that there is a chance that he might have a variocele (sp?) vein - and that could explain the issue with his morphology.  He has an ultrasound scheduled for Friday afternoon. If it is not an issue with the vein, the doctor said that chances are that the morphology issue is just an issue he has and there's not much he can do except tell us to do IVF, which I doubt we're going to do.

I'm just done worrying about it.  Done thinking about it.  Done feeling like shit about it.  I HATE this.