Disappointed yet again.

WTF is up with my body? I've said it before--cycles with BFNs are always hard, but cycles where your body and FF are basically telling you that you're pregnant (hello, I had 82 points out of 100 on the early pregnancy estimator this month), you have nothing but positivity and good feeling the entire month, and you STILL get a f-ing negative and a visit from that bitch AF are almost unbearable.

I waited until Thursday evening to take a test because I was waiting to be able to tell the Grouper the good news after not seeing him for 5 days. I waited till I got to the house here in Michigan, and had nothing but good feelings, and then when that BFN showed up, all the life just drained out of me. I can't even cry about it anymore. I haven't cried yet. It's just a total feeling of emptiness, defeat, and like I'm totally dysfunctional.

I want to quit trying. I want to stop taking temps, tracking cm, symptoms, all of it, but I'm starting to get the inkling that maybe we have real issues, and it's not going to do me any good at this point to stop tracking my temps and cm, so I'm going to keep doing that, but as for tracking symptoms and marking them down every day and paying attention to all that other BS, I'm done. I can't handle it. It always seems to result in disappointment and I'm tired of being a moping bitch every 28-30 days after yet another let down.

I just want to be a mom....why does that have to be so difficult? Seriously. It sucks.

The worst part about all of it is that all I really want is to be pregnant again before my "due date" rolls around. I was supposed to be due with the baby we lost on July 8. If I'm not pregnant by then.........I don't even want to think about how shitty I'm going to feel. And this upcoming cycle is basically our last chance for that to happen.

Cautiously hopeful.....

So, this chart is still looking better than any of the other charts I've had to date.  A little wind was taken out of my sails when my temp went down again this morning, but I guess I'm still above my coverline, so I should be thankful about that.  I'm having a few symptoms, but nothing super annoying (well, Grouper might say differently if you asked him...I am trying my best to blame my gassiness on the dog, but hey, he's gone on business for the rest of the week and I have the house to myself, so WHATEVER!) and I am still afraid to be excited, but I am REALLY feeling good about this chart.  Leslie commented the other day that some women just "know," and I'm almost thinking that maybe this is the one.  I don't want to come right out and say, yeah, I know I am, because I'm scared to death to be wrong, but I'm very optimistic.  I just feel very "zen" this month, which is something new for me, and I kinda like it.  I'm not completely over my OCD about this whole thing, though...I just plugged in my top 4 symptoms from days 4-10dpo into FF and 63% of charts with my top 4 symptoms resulted in pregnancy......eek!

Since Grouper is on business, he has made me promise that I won't tell him if I'm pregnant til I see him in person, which isn't until Thursday evening.  I was thinking of testing tomorrow because I'll be 11dpo, but if I test and it's positive, I won't be able to contain myself and I'd want to tell him right away, so I think I'm going to wait until I see him to take a test.  I'm sure my temperature will tell me one way or another before I see him. These next couple days are going to crawl by, I'm sure.

Dip me!

So, I got my big 1/2 degree dip this morning.  I am in complete disbelief as to how good this chart looks.  It is almost scary.  I want to be excited, I want to test RIGHT NOW, but the earliest I can test will be Tuesday, and even then, I'm afraid of a BFN.  I'm even trying to talk myself out of how good this chart looks....we always have the ceiling fan on in our bedroom, but last night we changed it from the winter setting to the summer setting and had it one level higher than we normally have it.  When I shared my concern with Grouper, he said, "There's no way that little change could make your temp change a 1/2 degree."  I hope he's right.

I am hoping that my temp jumps right back up tomorrow.

I really REALLY want to believe that this is my cycle.

On the up and up

My temperature has risen significantly over the past five days.  It's gone up almost the same amount every day and more consistently than it has in any of my previous charts. I take that as a positive thing.....hopefully it will result in a BFP.  I'm trying my best to have a positive attitude but not let myself get caught up in overanalyzing every little potential symptom.

I'm also trying to eat healthier and exercise more.  I've been writing down everything I've been eating for the past 3 weeks.  I've lost 4 pounds and I hope to lose more.

Based on our babymaking activities over the fertile week, I think we did the best we could do in that department and I'm doing my best to just let it go and live my life until I know one way or the other.  At this point, there's really nothing else we can do.

I can't wait until I am close enough to AF to test......as much as I try to let it go, I can't help but wonder.

I want to know how you would react.

I posted this over on my other blog this morning.  Most of you probably read both blogs, but for some of you who may not, please go check this out. 

I feel like I'm beating a dead horse here, but I am so hurt by what my "friend" said to me today that I can't get it out of my head (once again, if you don't know the back story, there are links over on my other blog). 

So, those of you who have suffered a loss, have you ever had someone mock your loss or use it against you in an argument?

I just told Grouper about it.  He said, "Smile, hit delete, and move on.  You don't need someone that toxic in your life."

So I'm going to try my best to hit delete and I'm going to pray every day that she never has to suffer through a loss, because then she'll realize exactly how hurtful her words were.

You might be TTC if.....

I was in elementary school when the Jeff Foxworthy "You Might Be a Redneck if..." craze hit. I was obsessed with it....I had books, CDs, and I liked to watch his stand-up on Comedy Central. My personal favorite one was, "If seeing a sign that says Say No to Crack reminds you to pull your jeans up......you might be a redneck." Anyway, I digress. I'm going to do my own little "you might be TTC" list right now, and it all started because of a hilarious comment in an email from her this morning. I've seen a few of these around, but I'm going to put my own little spin on one for you.

If you see a HPT and feel the urge to pee all over it......you might be TTC. :) This was CF's comment this morning, I nearly fell off my chair laughing.

If you can't walk past a pregnant woman without pangs of jealousy and nearly having an anxiety attack....you might be TTC.

If the first thing you do in the morning is reach over and grab a thermometer and shove it in your mouth (or elsewhere)....you might be TTC.

If the words "mucus" and "ovulation" have become topics of daily conversation between you and your husband....you might be TTC.

If every little twinge, pain, food craving, or urge to pee is seen as a possible pregnancy symptom.....you might be TTC.

If the song "Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble puts a huge smile on your face every time you hear it....you might be TTC.

If you contemplate stealing "borrowing" newborn children of your friends and family just so you can inhale their newborn smell while sitting in a corner crying.....you might be TTC.

If you think shooting suppositories up in your girly business and giving yourself daily shots in the bum sounds like fun....you might be TTC.

If you're a royal bitch to everyone and their brother on Mother's Day....you might be TTC.

If your husband decides to do a min/max formula to calculate your ovulation day, but then finds he doesn't have to because he sees there already is one on your Fertility Friend page...you might be TTC.

If you begin referring to pregnant women and mothers as members of "the Dark Side" as a childish way to deal with your extreme jealousy....you might be TTC.

If you shudder when you see your husband clip his Blackberry to his belt out of fear that he is frying his swimmers....you might be TTC.

and lastly,

If you have sex scheduled for at least 2 weeks in advance......you might be TTC.

I know you all have things to add.......have at it!

Today is harder than I thought.

Once again, Facebook is the devil. I know it sounds terrible, and I'll probably switch to what I'm now playfully calling the "dark side" once I'm a mother, but if I read one more "Being a mother is the best thing that's ever happened to me" message on Facebook today, I think I'm going to freak out. I mean, dagger--in heart---twisting.....ouch. So I'm not going on Facebook any more today. Nope. Because all of those mothers have a right to say what they want and be happy today. It is THEIR day. They deserve it. It just makes me miserable to think about it because I'm feeling mopey and sorry for myself, and then I feel guilty for being selfish and jealous, so I'll steer clear today.

I was fine yesterday hanging out with Grouper's family until fertile SIL with 4 kids, all conceived on the first try, tells me once again that Grouper and I need to have like four or five kids. My response, "Um, I'd be happy with just one right now and at this point, that's hard enough for me to accomplish." To which she retorted, "You need to just relax and quit thinking about it." And my mother in law chimed in, "Yeah, it'll happen in God's good time. He's just granting the wish that you had a long time ago---not to be pregnant in Canada." Wow, thanks, ladies! Such sensitive and thoughtful words of encouragement! I then took my 3 month old niece and just cuddled her for about an hour in a chair, secretly wishing she was mine, trying not to totally lose it.

We were just out at Home Depot picking up some things for the house, and I saw 3 huge pregnant women waddling around the store and about a dozen other happy families with cute little babies. I felt like I did shortly after my MC--wanting to hyperventilate and run out of the store every time I see a baby bump. I took some deep breaths and kept going.

Now I'm just numb. Not wanting to go anywhere or do anything.

And I thought I was going to be fine today. Who was I kidding?

I want my life back. I'm tired of being a semi-depressed and sometimes psycho TTC'er.

Ok, that's out of my system. I'm letting it go now. At least my puppy loves me and is spending Mother's Day with me. :)

I think I'll go shopping now. Retail therapy always helps.

My thoughts on Mother's Day

I am not really sure how I'm going to feel when Sunday rolls around.

In a perfect world, I'd still be eight months pregnant and would be anxiously awaiting the arrival of our first-born child.

But, as we all know, life isn't perfect.  I'm not sure if I'm going to have a major meltdown on Sunday or not...right now, I'm feeling pretty good and I'm trying to look at this coming Sunday in a positive light---as the last Mother's Day I'll spend without a child of my own.

In the meantime, I'll shower my mom and my mother-in-law with love and appreciation for all they do for me and my husband.

I wish all of you mothers and mothers to be a Happy Mother's Day.  For all of you who are in the same boat as I am---NEXT YEAR IS OUR YEAR!  :)