WTF is up with my body? I've said it before--cycles with BFNs are always hard, but cycles where your body and FF are basically telling you that you're pregnant (hello, I had 82 points out of 100 on the early pregnancy estimator this month), you have nothing but positivity and good feeling the entire month, and you STILL get a f-ing negative and a visit from that bitch AF are almost unbearable.
I waited until Thursday evening to take a test because I was waiting to be able to tell the Grouper the good news after not seeing him for 5 days. I waited till I got to the house here in Michigan, and had nothing but good feelings, and then when that BFN showed up, all the life just drained out of me. I can't even cry about it anymore. I haven't cried yet. It's just a total feeling of emptiness, defeat, and like I'm totally dysfunctional.
I want to quit trying. I want to stop taking temps, tracking cm, symptoms, all of it, but I'm starting to get the inkling that maybe we have real issues, and it's not going to do me any good at this point to stop tracking my temps and cm, so I'm going to keep doing that, but as for tracking symptoms and marking them down every day and paying attention to all that other BS, I'm done. I can't handle it. It always seems to result in disappointment and I'm tired of being a moping bitch every 28-30 days after yet another let down.
I just want to be a mom....why does that have to be so difficult? Seriously. It sucks.
The worst part about all of it is that all I really want is to be pregnant again before my "due date" rolls around. I was supposed to be due with the baby we lost on July 8. If I'm not pregnant by then.........I don't even want to think about how shitty I'm going to feel. And this upcoming cycle is basically our last chance for that to happen.
Hello world!
10 months ago
I am so sorry for your BFN. It never gets any easier, especially with a should have been due date approaching. What are your doctors saying at this point? Clearly that might be premature but they may have some insight for you. I will be thinking of you this weekend.
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ReplyDeleteI haven't been to the doctor since my mc....I don't trust the Canadian health care system since the way they treated me when trying to get followup bloodwork done after my mc, and right now I would have to pay out of pocket to visit my regular OB here in the US (like I did for the mc). Our plan right now is to wait and see how things are once we're settled in one country, which should be by the end of the summer, and if I'm still not pregnant by next Oct (a year since my mc), I'm going to take the next step. It's just a long hard road right now, and it seems like there's no end in sight. We have to get our work/living situation straightened out before anything else, as much as that sucks.
I am so, so sorry. I can't even imagine how frustrating it is to go through what you're going through. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you, friend!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. Getting negative after negative is so frustrating -- even more so when you had some hope that this cycle could have worked. (hugs)
ReplyDeleteThe health care limbo doesn't make it any easier. Maybe you can stop temping etc. until October, and then see a doctor to get both of you checked out for possible issues? Though of course I hope you'll be pregnant until then and won't need those checks!
I'm so sorry Gidget. I know how you feel: my EDD is June 26th. I would LOVE to be pregnant by then, but I don't believe it will happen. It's so hard to know whether there's something wrong with us or we're just unlucky. I hope we don't have to worry about it much longer and that we get our happy endings soon.
ReplyDeleteAlways sending hugs. I'm so sorry this cycle was a bust - I truly thought this was it.
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ReplyDeleteRight now I really wish it was you and not me this last cycle. I am serious, life isn't fair. I get pregnant at the most inconvenient time possible, and am just waiting to be let down by another loss-- and if it had been you, you could have just been happy! Not. fair. at. all.
Ugh, I am really sorry sweetie. I too know the feeling of wanting to give up. Sometimes it really just gets too overwhelming. Hang in there though hon. It's going to happen for you! I feel certain of that.
ReplyDeleteI'm so so sorry FG. I was thinking about you today and the outcome of everything. Try to keep your chin up. I'm rootin for ya!
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