When I Grow Up.....

I want it to be my job to take pictures like this....

and this....

and this.....

and this...

Now I just need to learn how to use my SLR.

For more of this BEAUTIFUL BABY PHOTOGRAPHY, please visit these sites:

pure baby by mika beth

Lisa Russo Photography

2 weeks feels like 2 YEARS!

This 2ww is taking an especially long time, it seems.

I don't know if it's because this is the first time I'm charting, so I feel like we might have more chance of a BFP this cycle, or if it's because I keep "thinking" I'm having symptoms.

 

But I'm only 6dpo, so that can't really be possible, can it?  It's all in my head, right?  You know, because I want a BFP so badly!

And the "symptoms" I'm having could all be explained in more than one way. 

• Am I having headaches because of my sinuses and high barometric pressure, or am I PG?
• Am I really tired (like REALLY tired) because I have had headaches and haven't slept well, or am I PG?
• Am I peeing a lot because I drink a lot of tea and water throughout the day, or am I PG?
• Am I irritable just because people at work are annoying?
• Did I really see the slightest bit of spotting yesterday (and my temperature dipped), or am I dreaming?
• And why, oh why is my freaking eye twitching?

I'm reminded of some lyrics to a Brett Dennen song:
"It's enough to make you go CRAAAAAAZY, woah oh oh oh,
It's enough to make you MAAAAAAD!
It's enough to make you go crazy.....
and I'm amazed I haven't yet!"

I'm messed up.

My Ovulation Chart


Yeah, my chart is messed up.  This morning, I woke up kinda early because I was coughing my head off.  And it wasn't just a cough, it was more like a bark, loud enough that it woke the Grouper up and he offered me a drink of the water he had beside the bed because I was kinda choking.
 
I took a drink of the water and when I sat up do to so, I realized that I had a pounding headache.  I took my temperature, and it was 99.5 (6:30am).   I called in sick to work because I'm pretty much wimpy and I sit there and grimace all day when I feel like crap, and then I went back to sleep.  I took my temp for good measure when I woke up at 10am, and it was 98.1.
 
So am I sick, pregnant, dreaming  Who knows. 
 
Also?  I am definitely getting a new thermometer for the next cycle.  I'm sticking with this one for this cycle to preserve continuity....but then....GARBAGE CAN.

FFluctuation

My Chart

So I put in my temp this morning, and I get a message saying that due to temperature fluctuations, FF has now detected that I ovulated on Thursday, not Tuesday, as it had originally detected. I'm still not sure that it wasn't a thermometer fluke. I take my temperature at the same time and in the same manner every day, but I don't know...

So now, according to FF, I am technically 3dpo instead of 5dpo. And I had such a good feeling about this cycle, too. Now I'm not sure. And of course, as usual during every 2ww, I am noticing every twinge, every cramp, and I'm over-analyzing everything---I'm sure most of it is in my head. Reading some of the early symptoms I found on this site probably aren't helping my cause.

I'm not trying to wish my life away or anything, but seriously, I can't wait for the next week and a bit to be over so that I know one way or the other!

Houston, we have crosshairs!

Click here to check it out!

Waking temperature yesterday: 97.1
Waking temperature today:  96.4
I thought it was supposed to go up! 
Oh wait, I'm supposed to be relaxing.
*Deep breath**

Another reason I'm not particularly relaxed about all of this is from a series of a events that transpired yesterday....on Facebook, of all places.  Facebook is the devil, I've decided, but I can't seem to stay away from it.  I posted on my status that I am giving up alcohol for Lent.  I am doing this not only because I hope to become pregnant, but also because--um, hello---my pants are getting more snug by the day. 

Anywhoodle, I digress.  Upon posting that status, one friend commented, "Yeah, right....nice excuse." (Implying that I'm pregnant).  Not ten minutes after that, I get a private message from this friend's sister saying something like, "Ok, everyone bugged me, so now I'm going to bug you.  I think that no alcohol is the perfect excuse for a baby bump to start growing!"  These two sisters were like sisters to me growing up--our parents are best friends, but my parents didn't tell anyone (not even my aunt or grandparents) about my MC.  So I politely wrote one big long message explaining everything and I sent it to both of them.  I mean, yeah, they're like family, but it still doesn't make it any easier to have to keep telling people over and over and over.  I guess I wouldn't have had to tell them, but I felt like I should.  Ugh.  I just makes stuff raw all over again.  Not for as long of a time period, but it definitely takes me right back there every time I talk about it in detail like that.

I just keep looking forward to the day that I can give them GOOD news.

Body, what are you up to?

So as I've mentioned, I'm new at this charting thing. I think I'm getting the hang of it, though. So here's my first chart, for your viewing pleasure-- I was bad and started it after my cycle started.

My Ovulation Chart

As you can see, there was a pretty significant temperature jump today. I think that means that the ultimate "prime time" has passed, even though my little ticker at the top of the blog says otherwise. Tomorrow's temperature will tell me for sure, I guess. So now, the dreaded 2 week wait begins....ugh, it's so long and agonizing. I always overanalyze every twinge I feel or anything that's out of the ordinary. It's enough to make me crazy. I'm going to try my best this month not to obsess. Key word: try. I'm not making any promises.
Although I said a long time ago that I'd NEVER be a person that would take the time to take my temperature every day, I think it's for my benefit. It's been really interesting to see patterns form and to be more "in tune" with my body. The body is an amazing thing, even when it doesn't do exactly what I want it to do!

"Look what you've done to me!"

Without getting into too much detail, I'll just say that my idea of a romantic evening usually involves a bubble bath, candles, soft music, and a glass of wine or a nice beer. We were at the house in Michigan this weekend, and the fact that it was Valentine's Day (in combination with the fact that I have a HUGE jacuzzi tub there that is rarely used) made me want to have a nice romantic evening with the Grouper. We're in the bathroom, I'm running the bath water, lighting the candles, turning on the radio, and cracking open the beers, getting ready to strip, and Grouper says:

"Wait. That bath water is hot. Considering what we're trying to accomplish this weekend, maybe I shouldn't get in there with you....I wouldn't want to scald any important little baby-makers."

My response: "Look what I've done to you!"

The poor guy....he's officially become the husband of a baby-obsessed wife. I've made him read more stuff on the internet about girly business than any man should ever have to read. When I was in the process of miscarrying, I couldn't help but laugh as he was reading (well, actually screaming, since I was upstairs in bed and he was downstairs on the computer) the symptoms of a miscarriage and telling me that some women spot throughout their pregnancy. It was just hilarious to hear him read things like that, because he is such a "man's man" and doesn't want to know anything about my so-called "girly business" unless he has to.

And now here he is, worrying about the safety and well-being of his spermicidal maniacs. Without me even prompting him.

Awwwwww.

If that's not love, then I don't know what is. :)

In case you're wondering, he sat beside me on the floor and had a beer with me by candlelight while I soaked in the tub for just a bit. :)

Let's Get Ready to Rumble!

The end of this weekend is the start of what the Grouper and I have nicknamed "Prime Time," which translates to the days that we will have the best chance of becoming pregnant.

How nice that it coincides with Valentine's Day weekend, eh? :)

We don't have any major plans; I've been off work all day today and so I've been packing, and we're heading to MI tonight to work on the tile at the house and to spend some time with friends over the weekend. We also have Monday off thanks to the Family Day holiday here in Canada, so it should be a nice relaxing weekend.

In my opinion, being relaxed is something that is probably pretty key when we're trying to get 'er done.

I got an email from my best friend today, and she wrote as a PS, "MAKE BABIES!" :)

It made me smile for some reason. I hope that's exactly what we'll do over the next few days, and if we don't, it won't be due to lack of trying. ;)

Happy weekend to all!

Am I alive?

I bought this thermometer last weekend and I've been trying to take my temperature and try my hand at this charting thing.

There's a problem, though.  Most of what I've read has suggested that the best time to take your temperature for charting purposes is first thing in the morning.  I have done that for the past three mornings, and my temperature has been in the high 95's or the low 96's. 

Isn't that really REALLY low?  When I take it later on in the day, or right before bed in some cases, it's in the 97's or right at normal.

So, is the thermometer broken, or is it the operator? 

What kind of thermometers do those of you who are charting use?

How is it EVER appropriate.....

to ask anyone that you don't know on an extremely personal level ANYTHING about being pregnant?

I NEVER ask anyone if they're pregnant, when they're planning on becoming pregnant, when they're due etc., unless they either bring it up first OR appear to be in their third trimester. And even then, I hesitate. As I've learned more and more, pregnancy is a touchy subject to some people, especially those who have lost a baby or have struggles with infertility. Apparently, this is something that not everyone realizes, because I have had at least five people in the past two weeks make some of the most insensitive and totally thoughtless comments to me!

I did tell a few co-workers I am close with about my miscarriage. Mostly because I had to miss work when it happened, so I had to tell my boss, and my boss told other people in my office and then I told a few people after that, but I only told them after they asked me when we were planning on having kids. I was hoping it would be a sign that they should think before they speak, but it didn't seem to work.

I missed a day of work last week because I had a horrific sinus headache. I also happened to have started my period that day. So I didn't feel well, and I was bummed that we had failed yet again. I decided I probably wouldn't be the queen of productivity at the office, so I stayed home. The next day, I had three people from my office ask me if I was pregnant or if I stayed home because of morning sickness. My reply: "No, I had a headache and menstrual cramps, thankyouverymuch." Then, randomly, a guy walks up to me and says, "So, I hear you're pregnant." He does this as a joke, but it's not funny. And today, it happened again. I was eating a snack that someone offered me, and one of my FAVORITE co-workers (can you sense my sarcasm?) walked up to me and said, "Wow, it seems like you're eating every time I see you. Are you eating for two?" Um, NO. I like food and it has seemed to be my coping mechanism throughout all of this. Thanks for asking.

And here's my favorite "are you f-ing kidding me" story from the past month: My boss calls me into her office and starts small talking with me. I've been around here long enough to know that when she starts doing this, she is trying to pry into something and doesn't exactly know how to go about it, so she eventually just blurts out what she wants to know. So here's what she says to me: "Is everything ok with the Grouper? He seems so distant lately." (he works in the same place as I do) I said yes, everything was fine, and asked her why she was asking. Apparently she was in a meeting with him and she thought that he seemed distant and unfocused and she wondered if he was affected by my miscarriage more than he was letting me know. UM, EXCUSE ME? This is my boss, not my best friend....although we have hung out socially, we are by no means close friends and she knows nothing about my marriage or my husband. I mentioned it to him and he was infuriated that she would say anything like that to me. He also said that if she really knew anything about him, she'd know that he doesn't let what's going on in his personal life affect anything at work. The real reason he's focused and distant is because he's frustrated with what's been going on around work and we're ready to MOVE HOME. I was just so appalled and taken aback by what she said. I almost started crying in her office because I was so shocked, but I didn't want to give her the satisfaction or the impression that she was correct about any of what she was saying.

I could go on about this forever, but this rant is long enough. I guess all I'm saying is that I can't believe the insensitivity and carelessness of some people. It's disheartening and doesn't make what I'm going through any easier. I'm sure I'm not the only person this has happened to.....I do make sure to think before I speak, though.

Post #1

Many of my wonderful blog buddies over at my home blog said that there was no need for me to censor or separate my TTC/baby-related posts from my regular posts, but I feel like I should. Mostly for my own reasons (because I don't have time during my day-to-day grind to write in an actual journal, which I really think would be beneficial to me with all of the thoughts constantly swirling around in my head), but also because I think some people would perceive my blog to eventually become bogged down with it all. Even though it is a big part of what's going on in my life right now, as I've said before, having a miscarriage and taking a while to have a successful pregnancy do not define me. It's just another bump in the road.

Posts here will probably be shorter, and there may be a likelihood that I post more than once a day on some days, and not at all on others.

If you are not coming here by linking from my other blog, welcome! If you want to know more about me and other aspects of my life, check me out over at FG!