Friday, April 30, 2010

Stick a fork in me.

I'm done.

No, really....stick a fork in me.  A huge pitchfork or something. It would hurt less than month after agonizing month of TTC, a miscarriage, and more failed TTC.

It's probably just my hormones talking, because you know, I STARTED MY PERIOD THIS MORNING...but I'm really really REALLY tired of temping, peeing on sticks, and obsessing over this.  I am pissed off because I can't figure out how some people can get pregnant "accidentally" while hundreds of thousands of others try and try and nothing happens.  Bottom line....I'm pissed that I am not still pregnant right now.  I should be in my third trimester, had I not lost the baby.  And where am I instead?  In the middle of nowhere with no end in sight.

And I told Grouper last night that if I weren't paying for 40 more days of FF, I'd probably be jumping off of that ship for a while, too, because its interpretation of last month did nothing for me at all and I don't think it was anywhere close to accurate. 

OPKs sound like my next logical step, and I probably will eventually take that route, but I think it just lends to me obsessing about this.  And I'm tiring of obsessing.  I'm tired of this running my life, because no matter what I say or if I try to convince myself otherwise, it is.  It's turned me into a nervous, bitter, uptight person---I am seriously a miserable human being these days.  Almost always. And that's not me. 

So.....CD 1 AGAIN.  Joy.

Sorry that I'm so bitter and feeling so sorry for myself today, but sometimes you just have those kinda days.  Today is one of them for me.


  1. You can freeze your account on FF if you want. So you don't lose the days you paid for.

    I agree - it's frustrating and it's not fair. I'm sorry you're at CD1 again.

  2. I had a -hpt this morning (14dpo) and some spotting started up, so I'm right there with you. I didn't think I was pregnant, so it isn't a disappointment, but it is odd to me that I can't get pregnant again. I am just trying not to worry about it. It helps that I'm waiting for 2 different RE offices to get referrals, so I'll be doing some tests soon. Plus, it is soon to be summer and I am going to go ahead and appreciate drinking beer around the backyard grill and stuff like that. I hope you have some fun non-baby stuff to look forward to, too!!

  3. I'm sorry, Gidget. I share your frustration. I'm 6-7 days away from CD 1 but I already know it's coming. This sucks, it hurts, it wears you down, and it breaks you.

    If there was a way to make myself not care, I would take it. But I can't. You can't. We have to care.

    Hugs to you. Things will look brighter again in a few days.

  4. I am so sorry, Gidget. I agree, it's totally unfair. =( Keep it up though, you'll be a great mom!!!