Friday, April 30, 2010

Stick a fork in me.

I'm done.

No, really....stick a fork in me.  A huge pitchfork or something. It would hurt less than month after agonizing month of TTC, a miscarriage, and more failed TTC.

It's probably just my hormones talking, because you know, I STARTED MY PERIOD THIS MORNING...but I'm really really REALLY tired of temping, peeing on sticks, and obsessing over this.  I am pissed off because I can't figure out how some people can get pregnant "accidentally" while hundreds of thousands of others try and try and nothing happens.  Bottom line....I'm pissed that I am not still pregnant right now.  I should be in my third trimester, had I not lost the baby.  And where am I instead?  In the middle of nowhere with no end in sight.

And I told Grouper last night that if I weren't paying for 40 more days of FF, I'd probably be jumping off of that ship for a while, too, because its interpretation of last month did nothing for me at all and I don't think it was anywhere close to accurate. 

OPKs sound like my next logical step, and I probably will eventually take that route, but I think it just lends to me obsessing about this.  And I'm tiring of obsessing.  I'm tired of this running my life, because no matter what I say or if I try to convince myself otherwise, it is.  It's turned me into a nervous, bitter, uptight person---I am seriously a miserable human being these days.  Almost always. And that's not me. 

So.....CD 1 AGAIN.  Joy.

Sorry that I'm so bitter and feeling so sorry for myself today, but sometimes you just have those kinda days.  Today is one of them for me.

4 comments:

  1. You can freeze your account on FF if you want. So you don't lose the days you paid for.

    I agree - it's frustrating and it's not fair. I'm sorry you're at CD1 again.

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  2. I had a -hpt this morning (14dpo) and some spotting started up, so I'm right there with you. I didn't think I was pregnant, so it isn't a disappointment, but it is odd to me that I can't get pregnant again. I am just trying not to worry about it. It helps that I'm waiting for 2 different RE offices to get referrals, so I'll be doing some tests soon. Plus, it is soon to be summer and I am going to go ahead and appreciate drinking beer around the backyard grill and stuff like that. I hope you have some fun non-baby stuff to look forward to, too!!

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  3. I'm sorry, Gidget. I share your frustration. I'm 6-7 days away from CD 1 but I already know it's coming. This sucks, it hurts, it wears you down, and it breaks you.

    If there was a way to make myself not care, I would take it. But I can't. You can't. We have to care.

    Hugs to you. Things will look brighter again in a few days.

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  4. I am so sorry, Gidget. I agree, it's totally unfair. =( Keep it up though, you'll be a great mom!!!

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