Stick a fork in me.

I'm done.

No, really....stick a fork in me.  A huge pitchfork or something. It would hurt less than month after agonizing month of TTC, a miscarriage, and more failed TTC.

It's probably just my hormones talking, because you know, I STARTED MY PERIOD THIS MORNING...but I'm really really REALLY tired of temping, peeing on sticks, and obsessing over this.  I am pissed off because I can't figure out how some people can get pregnant "accidentally" while hundreds of thousands of others try and try and nothing happens.  Bottom line....I'm pissed that I am not still pregnant right now.  I should be in my third trimester, had I not lost the baby.  And where am I instead?  In the middle of nowhere with no end in sight.

And I told Grouper last night that if I weren't paying for 40 more days of FF, I'd probably be jumping off of that ship for a while, too, because its interpretation of last month did nothing for me at all and I don't think it was anywhere close to accurate. 

OPKs sound like my next logical step, and I probably will eventually take that route, but I think it just lends to me obsessing about this.  And I'm tiring of obsessing.  I'm tired of this running my life, because no matter what I say or if I try to convince myself otherwise, it is.  It's turned me into a nervous, bitter, uptight person---I am seriously a miserable human being these days.  Almost always. And that's not me. 

So.....CD 1 AGAIN.  Joy.

Sorry that I'm so bitter and feeling so sorry for myself today, but sometimes you just have those kinda days.  Today is one of them for me.

Uh......

So I put in my temp this morning, which was 97.33 (below my original coverline).  I was super bummed because we're most likely out another cycle with a temp that low.  But when I entered my temp this morning, a message popped up saying that based on this temperature, FF moved my ovulation day back to day ELEVEN and dropped my coverline from 97.43 to 97.15, and now it says that I am 16 dpo and that I should test.

I don't know whether to be really excited or really confused.

How can my ovulation day be a WEEK earlier than previous charts?

I guess I'll be testing at lunch......maybe.

Low on the temps, High on the symptoms

And yet I'm still not sure what that means and I'm too chicken to test because I am tired of rejection in the form of a BFN.  I'm at 11 dpo, so technically I could test, but I just can't.  Not yet.

I have been absolutely exhausted for the past four days.  That could be partially because I have been in the car for approximately 14 hours over those days, visited family and friends, helped with my sister's baby shower, and have spent 6 hours visiting my FIL in the hospital.  We have the 4 hour car ride back to Canada tonight. Joy.

I've been extremely cranky and irritable over the past four days as well.  That could also be because of all of the patience I tend to lose with said family and friends and stupid drivers on the road.

I've also been starving.  Like, "oh-my-goodness-I'm-going-to-rip-your-head-off-if-you-try-to-butt-in-front-of-me-in-the-food-line" hungry.  But see, I tend to be hungry when I'm stressed.

And my boobs hurt.  But I'm due to start AF in a few days, and that sometimes is a little telegram she sends me to let me know she's on the way.

And I have a headache.  But hey, it's allergy season, y'all!

All of those symptoms sound promising, yes?  At least somewhat?  Well....my temperatures over the past few days.....not so much.  They've been dropping.  I've slept in 3 different places since Thursday.  That makes it hard to track your temperature....my house in Canada is kept at about 71, my parents' house is kept at about 74 (it's so hard to sleep there), and our Michigan house is averaging around 68.

 So once again, everything going on with me can be explained at least two ways.

I am so sick of all this shit.  Yes, I'm whining, but seriously, I've had enough of scheduling sex, dodging "when are you going to have kids" questions, worrying about symptoms, thinking about TTC, going through 2wws....all of it.

WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO DIFFICULT????

The stair-step effect

Ok, so FF still says that O day was day 14....but if you'll notice, my crosshairs are dotted, which they say is because the CM and the temperatures aren't coinciding.  I am totally mystified by the fact that I've had the same temperature for 2 days in a row 3 times in a row.  And this is the 4th time this cycle that I've had the exact same temp for 2 consecutive days.  My chart looks like a staircase! That is so weird!  Grouper and I did the deed in the early morning of day 15 (based on me listening to the signs my body was giving me) and the late night of day 16, and we're planning to do it again tonight.  I, by the way, hate having to "schedule" sex....I'm so over all of that.

Anyway, I checked the chart gallery on FF and I found only one chart that is like mine that resulted in pregnancy.  I would lie if I said that my hopes aren't majorly dashed, but I am keeping my fingers crossed that I have a temp spike tomorrow and that my crosshairs move and become a solid line.  :)

Did we miss it?

So we developed the game plan at the end of last cycle with hopes that by making our extracurriculars less frequent, we'd have better swimmer quality.  Sounds good, right? 

We refrained from relating maritally for 5 days, which is atypical for us. We caved on Saturday morning (CD 15), not only from temptation, but also because I was feeling some cramping/back pain and thought maybe it was a bit of ovulation pain.  Our original plan was to wait until Sunday and then go every other day until the spike.

Last night, I slept horribly.  Like, so horribly that I only got 4 hours' sleep.  When I temped this morning, my temp was up enough that I got crosshairs.  On CD 14.  Which means that technically, we missed it.  I'm just hoping that FF will move my O day a couple days this cycle (just like it has in the 2 previous cycles).  The high temp could be because I didn't get any restful sleep.  Yeah, that's it.  :)  That's what I'm telling myself, anyway.  Time will tell.

I had a rough weekend sentimentally.  I reverted back to almost crying every time I saw a pregnant woman out and about, which I haven't done for months.  I think it's because I saw a post from this blog and remembered that her due date is 7 days before what my due date would have been. Seeing her belly pics and picturing myself at that point in a pregnancy really made my heart hurt. If things would have worked out, I'd be almost to my third trimester.....maybe I'd even be in my third trimester, I'm not sure.  Bah.  I have to quit thinking like that.

So....here's to a BFP this cycle (and hoping that my O day gets moved!)

Licensed to Breed

Ok, so this is going to sound terrible and awful and totally like something that comes out of the mouth of a bitter person who is having a few trials and tribulations in the babymaking department, but I'm gonna say it.

Sometimes I wonder if there should seriously be a written test that people have to take and pass with flying colors before being allowed to have children.

Am I saying this because I'm jealous of people with children? No. I'm saying this because there are so many cases (on TV, in the news, and even amongst people I'm acquainted with) in which some people just should be forbidden to procreate. The children are the ones who end up suffering and paying the price for their parents' poor decision-making.  I'm not saying those people shouldn't procreate EVER (well, some of them shouldn't), but I am saying that I find it completely unjust that people who are as prepared as one can possibly be and can give a child everything they need (I'm not necessarily talking about just myself here, I'm talking about the HUNDREDS and THOUSANDS of people who struggle with IF) aren't able to have children when some people who are complete deadbeats and child abusers have many, many, many children and then scar the kids for life in more ways than one. I know, that sounds terrible to say, doesn't it?  Too bad. I don't say things like that without having a few examples to back me up. Here are a few cases that back up my point that I've heard of just recently.

Case 1: A guy in Indiana (who lives quite close to where I grew up) was just arrested for locking his 10 year old son with special needs in his basement EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT for six months. They found bodily waste in every room of the house and in close proximity to the deflated air mattress that the boy was sleeping on each night. He didn't even have a pillow, he used a balled up sweatshirt. Not only that, the father had LEFT HIM at the house with notes on what to do to take care of himself while he went to Florida for a few days. And this guy has a kid? (Here's a link to the news story if you don't believe me.....it's disgusting.)

Case 2: Backstory: When I wasn't working, I became hooked on some crappy talk shows, one being Dr. Phil, and they had a family that they focused on regularly. Ok, anyway--He's still focusing on them, and the daughter of this family, who is 22, has two children with two different men. She got pregnant with the first one when she was 14, the second when she was 20. She is no longer with either of the fathers--the second father just got out of jail. Both children are in custody of their grandparents due to allegations of both drug use by her and abuse of her children by someone, but she's denying it was her or anyone associated with her. She's fighting to get custody back, but she is now pregnant with a THIRD baby by a third guy, who the lawyers have advised to move out of the house while she's trying to get custody of the other two. She doesn't have a steady job or income, and even though everyone is telling her to move closer to where her children are in order to be closer to them, she's choosing to ignore them and stay in the house with her new fiance. I know I shouldn't watch this crap, but it's like a train wreck, I can't look away. Anyway....she doesn't have money to provide for the two children she has, they aren't in her custody, AND she's pregnant again? REALLY!?!?!?!

Case 3: There's a girl I went to high school with who got married right after college. Shortly after her wedding, when she and her husband were just starting to get established in an apartment and their new jobs, she found out she was pregnant. She told everyone that "the pharmacy gave her placebo birth control" and that it was an accident and she wasn't even sure she wanted kids for years. All she did was complain about being pregnant. She had a beautiful daughter. A year and a half later, she was pregnant again. This time? She was on antibiotics and her birth control "didn't work." All she did was complain about how they had no money and how being a mom was great, but she missed not being able to go out and party with everyone else, blah blah blah. She gave birth to a beautiful son.  Her husband lost his job.  She was staying home with the kids to save money on childcare.  Her daughter had some health problems, her son had to get tubes in his ears.  Eventually, she and the kids moved 2 hours north to live with her mom while her husband looked for work.  What happened next?  She got pregnant AGAIN!!  This time with a girl.  So she is 26 with three kids, and now all she does is complain about how tired she is or how one kid got into such and such and wrecked it, or how they're all sick, or they don't have money, or they don't have a babysitter, or blah blah blah.  Um, hello?  I just want to smack people like that for so many reasons. 

I could go on forever, but I won't.....this rant is getting long enough, but I will say this:

My point here: I am NOT wishing infertility on anyone...quite the contrary. I realize that there is never a *perfect* time to have children and it's not always possible to "plan" for their arrival, but at the same time....once kids are here, they're not only a BLESSING, they are also a huge responsibility, and whether the new parents like it or not, their lives have just changed forever and they must adjust accordingly. I get SO ANGRY at people who don't realize what a precious gift they have been given. So angry that they could abuse those gifts, neglect those gifts, deprive their gifts of what those children rightfully deserve. So angry that they have the opportunity of a lifetime that so many other people hope and pray for endlessly and never receive--and then they squander it. So angry that people choose trivial things over their children.  I guess it all boils down to the fact that sometimes, bad things happen to good people and sometimes good things happen to bad people, and that's just the way the world works. 

But I still say--IT'S NOT FAIR.

Thanks for reading.  Rant over.  :)

The long, boring stretch.

I haven't posted much around here lately....probably because there's nothing much to report.  We're just in that stretch of the cycle where I'm not fertile and haven't ovulated yet.....I guess you could consider it waiting for the 2 week wait.  Ugh. 

As I reported in my game plan post, we're going to try to "save up" this month until very close to ovulation day, and then go for the gold.  I don't know if there's any merit to this or not, but hey, I'm up for trying anything at this point.  Grouper is also taking vitamin C each day, so hopefully that will help our chances a bit, too. 

Grouper is already making little joking comments about how I need to hurry up and get pregnant so that we don't have to schedule sex or restrain ourselves anymore. :)  He's so funny and so supportive...I couldn't get through all of this mumbo jumbo without him!

Lastly.....a big congrats to Al from Mission: Motherhood who got a very sneaky BFP recently!!!  YAY, AL!!!  I'm wishing you the best of luck!  I like that I have been able to congratulate people lately....keep em' coming, ladies! 

The Game Plan

Now that I have two complete FF charts, I feel a lot more confident that Grouper and I will get our BFP sooner rather than later. My past two cycles "on paper" are a lot different than I had previously perceived my cycles to be when I wasn't officially keeping track....they're a couple days longer, and I apparently ovulate later in the cycle than I ever would have guessed. Even though I haven't gotten pregnant again yet, I am very grateful that these two cycles were at least similar - now it's only a matter of timing!

The plan for this month is that we're going to hold off the best we can on our "extracurricular marital activities" until very close to the expected ovulation day, which I'm projecting to be either day 17 or 18. It has been brought to my attention by a few of my friends (who know what they're talking about because they're either pregnant right now or have been recently) that Grouper and I may not be giving his swimmers enough time to build up and be strong enough to make the journey because we have too much sex. :) Oops, what can I say? We like each other....a lot. I guess we can find other ways to express that so that we can finally have a baby!

It took us approximately 5 cycles the first time we tried for us to get pregnant, and this is cycle 5 since we've been trying post m/c, and 5 is my lucky number, so I'm feeling pretty good.

Shout out!

I wanted to give my great bloggy friend, Crossed Fingers, a HUGE CONGRATULATIONS for getting her BFP today!  Yay!  If you're up to it, stop on over and leave some well wishes!

Next year....

Well, due to the arrival of AF today, it looks like I won't be a mom until 2011. I guess I'm ok with that...reading Secret Sloper's "Positive Bullshit" post helped me to try to have a better outlook on things, so I figured I'd come up with a few of my own.....

My "Positive Bullshit" contributions:

1) I can drink for the NCAA games tonight. Yay!
2) I won't be huge and obnoxiously pregnant during the summer...hopefully I'll be that way in the winter of this year, yes?
3) I will be able to enjoy the holidays with my family without having to worry about either a)packing up a new baby and all his/her belongings or b)which family members will or will not make the trek to see us and the brand new baby.
4) Yeah. That's about it. But the first three were good.

Game over

I'm pretty sure I'm out this cycle.  Even though I wasn't expecting anything, as usual, I'm disappointed.  If I'm being truthful, I was kinda expecting something due to a few symptoms I've had for the past couple days.  We're in Michigan today--we got in last night.  Since it was so nice outside last night, we slept with the windows open.  When I woke up this morning to take my temp, I was shivering, so when I saw my temp was a bit low, I thought I'd take a test anyway just in case where I was sleeping was having an effect on it. I don't think I'm going to buy those stupid digital ones anymore.  Seeing the words "Not Pregnant" seems a lot harsher than one line instead of two.  CM is still not showing any signs of spotting or AF.

I'm bummed.  Way bummed. 

Tonight, I think I shall go bowling and drink beer with friends we haven't seen in a few months.  That will make me feel better for at least a little while.

There's still hope.

I really wish I could figure out how to post the chart without having to do it with a link.  Every time I try that it screws everything up.

Anyway, here it is.  Temp is down just a bit from yesterday, but I'm still above the coverline....fingers are crossed!

My Chart