Oh, my aching head.

I didn't go to work today.  I probably could have.  But see, I have this headache.  You know, the kind where you feel like your eyes are gonna bust out of your head and your teeth hurt.

I hate having sinus issues.....I'm pretty sure it's all because of the weather change going on...every time it goes from cold to warm or warm to cold outside, I get headaches like this.

But you know, I can't help but think in the back of my mind.....could there be another reason for this headache?

I was up to pee two times last night after going to bed.  I didn't drink all that much more than normal.

My boobs are a little sore.  I've been really tired the past three days.  My temp went up from yesterday.

I hate symptoms that could mean everything or nothing.

I'm going to lay down now.

I heart Celine

I am watching Celine Dion on Oprah right now...I'm not sure if it's new or a rerun, but it's new to me!

She is very open about her miscarriages and failures with IVF--apparently she's on her 5th try right now. 

Her attitude is so refreshing and she's so positive and upbeat, despite the fact that all of her struggles are so public.  I wanna be like her when I grow up.  :)

My Chart - CD 27

Here's my chart as of today.  I'm feeling fairly normal, just tired - - but I'm pretty sure that's due to the vacation we just finished...I always find it difficult to get back into the routine after a long time off.  I've also noticed a bit of tenderness in my chesticles, but that's kinda typical for where I am in my cycle.  I've been making notations of every little twinge I've had, but I do that more because I sit here and overanalyze everything out of boredom....work is a bit monotonous since I've been back.

I'm not getting my hopes up this cycle, but maybe that's for the best...I must admit that my SIL's miscarriage has me a bit paranoid and freaked out right now.  I know it shouldn't, but I guess since I've been there, the thought that it's possible that it could happen again is really REALLY scary.

And the wait continues.....

Sad.

SIL just texted me from the doctor's office...she did indeed have another miscarriage. My heart is absolutely breaking for her. Two in a row has got to be hard to handle, because I was devastated by one. She's a very, VERY strong person, but I think it's going to be hard, because she told the entire immediate family and she and my BIL had just told their 4 year old twins the night before she miscarried. I'm so sad. It just brings back so many emotions and I just ache for her. She had some cysts removed after the last MC, so she was supposed to be all clear...I wonder if there was a "cause" this time, or if it was just a fluke like mine...either way, it SUCKS.

Please keep her in your prayers for a while longer, if you don't mind.

I need prayers.

My SIL just called me.  She's got some light bleeding going on this morning.  She's at about the same point in her pregnancy as she was when she lost the last one....almost seven weeks.  She doesn't know whether it's normal bleeding or if it's the beginning of an MC, but she said it's reminding her a lot of what happened last time.  She's calling the doctor tomorrow morning first thing.

Please keep her in your prayers......

Chart Update

My chart is wonky AGAIN this month.

At first, it was looking good.  After the ewcm encounter that I took advantage of a week and a half ago, I was feeling pretty good about everything.  FF promptly predicted that I had ovulated on CD 14, which corresponded perfectly with my CM and how I was feeling. 

Hah.  No such luck.  I put my temp in a couple days ago, and it moved my ovulation day to CD 18.  FOUR DAYS past what I originally thought and what FF originally marked.  Here's what the chart looks like now.  Take note of what CD 14 looked like as well.  That was the original O day.

My Ovulation Chart

Has anyone else had FF move their ovulation day?  What effect did it have on the outcome of your chart?

I'm just so frustrated.  I am finding it difficult to figure out what's going on with my body when FF has changed my ovulation day both months I've been using it.  Last month, it was only a discrepancy of two days.  This month, it's four days.  Today, I would be 8 dpo based on the original chart.  Now, I'm 4 dpo.  I don't really feel any different....no major symptoms going on, so is that because I'm not pregnant or because it's too early?  I'm also worried that my temps could be messed up this month because I've slept in my bed, at my in-laws', and in 4 different hotel rooms this week alone, and obviously the temperature and sleeping conditions are going to be different in each place.  I've also been having a few beers here and there, which can influence temps.

Being on vacation this week has been a really nice distraction, but the closer I get to home, the more pressure I'm starting to feel.  I'm going to see my SIL on Saturday...we're going to a Taylor Swift concert together.  It'll be the first time I've seen her since she told me about her BFP.  I'm sure that will be a bit of an emotional rollercoaster....I'm just hoping and praying that I don't make a fool of myself or show my disappointment that I'm not pregnant/jealousy that she is pregnant blatantly on my face.

More to come once I'm back home.

Grr.



 

I'm off...

We leave today for a week's vacation.....we're going to Cleveland for a wedding, then to PA, then to DC, then back to Ohio. It's a much-needed break for both me and the Grouper. The last time we went away and had time to ourselves without the stresses of everyday life to bog us down, I came back pregnant. I'm hoping that is the case this time. I'm pretty sure it's "prime time" right now....I haven't seen ewcm since the other day when I posted about it, but signs are still looking good.

My Ovulation Chart

I'll miss all of you, and I'll be back soon!

"I'm calling you with hope."

Those were the words my sister-in-law said to me last night when I answered the phone, right before she told me she is pregnant.

At first, I just sat there.  Then I said, "What?!?" because she had just told me the other day that they were out of the running for this month.  I guess not.  She said she started feeling weird last night so she took a test, and she's pregnant.  It'll be a Turkey baby, due in late November.

I initially got really upset, but of course I was on the phone with her, so I couldn't show it.  I shouldn't be upset at all.  I'm very happy for her, just unhappy for me, which is totally selfish and unfair of me to do.  She had a miscarriage a couple months before I did and had to have cysts removed back in September and she's just now pregnant.  She knows what road I'm on right now.  Even though she was trying to encourage me that there is hope, and yes, I do believe that....I can't help but feel that the pressure is really on now.  The one ally I had in the family, the one who understands what's going on, has switched to "the other side."  Maybe I should give her more credit than that, but I can already hear the words coming out of her mouth---"Hurry up and get pregnant already!"

I want nothing more than to be pregnant with her.  They live very close to us in Michigan, so when we move back, we'll see a lot of each other, and we're really good friends.  She'll probably be totally compassionate, but I can't say the same for my fertile myrtle SIL and my MIL.  You know, the ones who told me, "If you just relax and stop worrying, it'll happen" when they saw me telling my now-pregnant SIL about FF.  "Why are you worried about taking your temperature?  That's a waste of time?"  And yes, there was a time when I felt the same way, but now I just find the comment to be very off-putting and ignorant.  (If I ever made any comments like that to anyone, I'm hereby apologizing.)

So that makes three pregnancy announcements I've heard since last Friday....and I was doing so well about being relaxed and not stressed.  Now I'm stressed again.  And bummed.  But very excited for a new niece or nephew......my SIL already has twins and she had a very difficult pregnancy, so she told me to cross my fingers that it's just one baby this time.  I was thinking, "I'll take the other one."  

Sigh.  Thank goodness Grouper and I leave for vacation on Friday.  I need some MAJOR relaxation.

I am proud to say that I haven't cried, though.  Let's see how long I can keep that streak alive.

Branching out

I haven't done this in a really long time, but today I decided to sit down and write a feature post for Stage of Life.com, a website that serves as a forum for people of all ages and features blogs, discounts, and stories from a variety of contributors from all over the place.

I wrote a little post about life after a M/C. You can read it by clicking here.

If you're interested in blogging for them, please check out Stage of Life blog and get in contact with the CEO, Eric.  He is great to work with and is always looking for more bloggers to contribute to the site!  I haven't seen too many TTC bloggers contributing there, so hurry up and go! :)

Afternoon Delight

We went home to eat lunch today, as we do on most days, and while there, (warning, TMI alert!) I discovered that I had ewcm.....like, more-so than I've ever noticed before. The last time I noticed something like that, I ended up pregnant, and like last time, it is happening really early in my cycle (I'm at CD 12, and I didn't ovulate last month until CD 17).

I immediately came out of the bathroom and told the Grouper, "Um, you and I need to have sex. Right now."

He raised his eyebrows and said, "Sure....do you think I'd ever turn down a statement like that?"

So we ate our grilled cheese sandwiches and went upstairs and did the wild thing.

There are perks to having the same lunch hour as your husband, folks. People joke around with us about it all the time.

So, anyway....I'm hoping that we covered our bases for today.....and I totally sang "oooooh, sky rockets in flight....ooooooh, afternoon delight!" when it was over. Not joking. You'll think that's funny if you've seen them sing it acapella in the movie Anchorman.

Here's the latest chart--nothing out of the ordinary so far.

My Chart

Enough already

Yesterday, a male coworker said to me:

"So, where are the babies?"

Me:  "Excuse me?"

"Where are the babies?  You've been married almost two years, isn't it about time?"

I laughed it off and said I don't try to plan things like that, they'll happen when they happen.

My boss yesterday:
"So, are you sure Grouper's ok?  He stills seems a little bummed."
Me:  "Yeah, I think he's fine, but then again, I'm a bit bummed myself, so maybe I haven't noticed."  (not really the right thing to say, but whatever).
Her: "Maybe you need to go out for drinks one night."
Me:  "Can't, I gave it up."
Her: "You really gave up alcohol to get pregnant?"
Me:  "No just for Lent, but I broke it once because I had a bad day."
Her:  "Why?"
Then I made the mistake of telling her about how my period was three days late and I was so upset when it came.  It all just kinda came out, I didn't mean to tell her. 

But I'm hoping maybe the fact that I did will let her know to back the f*** off with asking me about it and about Grouper and me and everything.  I just don't need that.

Today, a female coworker:
"Are you pregnant?"  Staring right at my stomach.
Me: "No, I'm just fat."
"Are you sure?"
Me: "Yep, scout's honor.  But when I am, I'll let you know."  stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp back to my desk.

ENOUGH ALREADY.  SERIOUSLY.

I hate this place enough as it is, all of these comments that they consider to be small talk and appropriate conversation are going to eventually send me right off the deep end.

What the smell is that?

Sitting where I sit here at work, I'm often subjected to quite the array of smells.

People who forget to shower, people's lunches, cigarette smoke from the clothes of our smoking patrons, coffee, tea, perfume, cleaning products, you name it.

The worst one at this very moment:  The turkish coffee of the guy who sits in the office behind my desk.  When he walks by from making it, I just want to gag.

When I was pregnant, the first thing I noticed was the fact that I could smell absolutely everything from a mile away.  I'm just hoping that when it happens next time, the smells don't turn my stomach enough to make me hurl, because I'm already to that point now and I'm not even pregnant! 

Ewww.

Courtesy of my Google Reader....

A very informative post that tells of one woman's struggles with IF.

Yay BASAL!

I finally got myself a basal thermometer this weekend!  I am a bit annoyed at how long it takes to get a temp....I feel like I should be holding my breath while it gets the reading and I just can't for one.whole.minute!  My temp this morning was 97.18.....I think that's a lot more accurate than the garbage that other thermometer was giving me.  The beginning of my chart is kinda whacked this month because I switched after CD1 and then I kinda spaced on taking my temp this weekend....oops.

I'm hoping this month is the month (yeah, that seems to be a recurring thought for a lot of people I know)....we're going on a little getaway to DC in a couple weeks and the timing should be really good!

Bits of advice.

Note to anyone who would ever think of doing this:  Don't EVER make the decision to finish the book My Sister's Keeper on CD 1 when you're already emotional from the stupid trick that your body played on you by making AF THREE DAYS LATE. 

It results in a lot of crying.

Note #2:  Don't ever get online and start reading the baby blog section after a disappointing cycle.  Chances are your reader will be full of belly shots and everyone else's BFP stories.  And yes, I am happy for all of those people today, but yesterday I was not in a good state of mind.  I was just flat out bitter and jealous. 

Note #3:  Be sure to have lots of awesome TTC bloggy buds and a very supportive husband to catch you when you fall.

Note #4:  Do allow yourself one honkin' glass of wine on CD1.  Even if you've given it up for Lent.  It will taste FANTASTIC.

Starting Over.

CD 31 is now CD 1.  My body played a cruel, cruel, CRUEL joke on me. 

Now I want to crawl in a hole for a couple days....if not that, I at least want a glass of wine, which I technically can't have because I gave up alcohol for Lent. 

Trying to be positive.....

CD 31

I don't think that since I've been TTC, I've ever made it to CD 31 (save the month I was pregnant for a bit). I am usually a 28 day (29 day max!) girl.

Last night I felt terrible. I came home from work and collapsed on the couch. I had a brain-splitting headache and I was really tired. Grouper came home from work and told me that I didn't look very good. I showered before bed and felt much better, but still had a headache. When I got up and took my temp, it was 97.8.....still high for me.

I tested again this morning, since it's 14dpo, and I still got a negative. Still no signs of the curse showing up. I think I'm making a run to the drugstore on my lunch hour....and if I still haven't received the curse by tomorrow, I'm testing again. This is weird.

Wait, wait, wait

Chart

Still no sure signs of AF.  It should have showed up yesterday or sometime today.  Yesterday my temp was really high (but Grouper was gone on business, and when he's gone, I sleep with the ceiling fan OFF), and today, since he's home, the ceiling fan was ON and I woke up half out of the covers, and my temp dropped a degree and a half.

My chesticles (yes I really call them that, so what?) have been bigger since yesterday and I have been having some soreness under my armpits, which was the first thing I noticed when I was pregnant before.  Other than that, not too much to report.

I am planning to test again tomorrow morning if nothing has happened yet.....I want to think there's still hope for us this cycle, but I'm afraid to get too excited.

So I'm just waiting.

BFN

Emphasis on the F.

AF isn't due until tomorrow or the day after, but still....pretty sure it's legit.

I wanna crawl in a hole. 

And if anyone makes any "are you pregnant" comments today.....so help me God.