"The Big Break" - Month 1

The first month of us taking a break resulted in what we expected - NOTHING.  Even though I'm kinda happy about it because now I'll be able to ride the rides @ Disney and drink @ my former roommate's wedding, the day that AF shows up is always a sad one.

I just had something I needed to spew out, and I don't want to spew it to too many IRL people, because.....well, just because.

We were at our friends' house last night for a cookout.  They're much older than we are (as are most of our friends), and their 20 year old daughter had a friend over.  My friend M starts telling me the story of this girl.  She turned 19 yesterday.  She showed up at their house - a friend of hers dropped her off, she has no car - and she had a big satchel and M said that she'll most likely be staying at their place for a while because she has been kicked out of her parents' house and just migrates from place to place.  I'm not sure what she does for work or anything.....but they went down to our friends' hot tub and got in, and my friend's husband, D, says, "Should she really be in that hot tub since she's pregnant?"  Oh yes, of course she is.  The 19 year old homeless girl is pregnant.  Fantastic.

My stomach dropped.  My mouth hit the floor. Apparently this is the second time she's been pregnant, this is with a different guy than the first, she had a MC with the first one, but she's 14 weeks along now.  And the guy isn't around.  And she's basically homeless.  I guess M's daughter mentioned the idea of adoption to this girl because she said that she didn't know how she thought she was going to take care of a baby living the way she does.  I guess this girl got really upset and the subject was dropped.  M then says to me, "Yeah, when my daughter said that, I immediately thought of you and Grouper. That would be perfect. "

Well, I think it'd be less than perfect, but the wheels nonetheless started turning in my head.  This baby will be here between Thanksgiving and Christmas this year.  We already have a room ready.  We wouldn't have to go through the complete adoption process, we'd just have to hire a lawyer to iron everything out.  I mentioned it to Grouper once we got home last night.  His response was, "Absolutely not.  I can see it now, she'll show up on our doorstep every few months and want to see the kid.  No way.  We know who she is.  She'd know where we lived.  She'd have a connection to us.  It would never work."

And I guess it probably wouldn't.  But, man........sigh. 

I don't think I'll ever understand why things happen the way they do.

It's really hard to quit cold turkey.

So I know I'm supposed to be on a sabbatical of sorts.  And I am.  It's true.  I called the RE and told them that we're taking the summer off to prove (mostly to myself) that I mean business. 

My thermometer has been in the drawer for almost two weeks. 

My skin is slowly but surely seeming to clear up a bit because I'm not on those ghastly hormones.

Grouper and I are doing what we want when we want - take that however you see fit.  ;)

And it's fantastic, really it is.  I don't think about TTC or infertility as much as I have been.

BUT.

I have a pregnant sister in law.  I have a ton of pregnant friends, some of who I'm trying to knit for at the moment.  I see babies and pregos EVERYWHERE, seriously.  Almost all of the IF blogs I follow are no longer IF blogs, but are now pregnancy or new mommy blogs.  Facebook, as per usual, is chocked full of pictures of bellies and babies and ultrasounds and announcements of babies to come.

And then it's impossible to ignore.  The worst time for me (as it's always been) is when I'm laying in bed, trying to sleep.  I start thinking about how happy we are and that's the truth, but I can't deny the fact that I feel a sense of emptiness that most likely won't be filled until we're parents.  And then that makes me feel like a huge pretender.  Like I'm denying the truth.

I was reading my book last night (The Weird Sisters, I like it so far) and I came across a quote that caught my eye.

"What do you do if you keep losing the game?  You take your marbles and go home."

I guess that's what I've done, but the bottom line is, I still want to play, just without all the hassle and disappointment.  I'm very competitive, and I'm not a quitter.  This makes me feel like I'm quitting. 

So anyway, I just had to get that off my chest.  Back to my regularly scheduled sabbatical and life as a poser.

Let the summer of fun begin!

I took a pregnancy test this morning since we're going to Canada this weekend and I'll probably be getting my drink on.  :)  It was, as expected, negative.  And as weird as it is, I felt kind of relieved.   No more taking my temperature.  No more meds.   One more followup ultrasound where I'll tell my RE that I'm taking some time off.  I am SO excited about this, really.  I booked my girls' trip to Disney World/Wizarding World of Harry Potter last night.  I cannot wait.  And now I'll be able to ride all the rides for sure.  :) 

So I will probably be a bit scarce around here for a while.  Don't worry, though, I'll still be reading about all of your journeys..... :)

Happy Summer, y'all!

Graduation Day

Grouper graduated from the urologist yesterday.  I went with him to the appointment, and he was told that not only was his ultrasound normal, but so was his last semen analysis, and aside from a recommendation for a supplement to take, the urologist said that there's nothing he can do for us and that it's most likely just a matter of time. 

This makes no sense to me.  I cannot wrap my brain around the fact that we've been taking medications, doing procedures, and timing everything right on top of everything supposedly being "normal" and nothing is happening.  I did ask the urologist why there would be such a large discrepancy between his morphology numbers (from less than 1% to 4% in six months) and he said he cannot explain it, but that it's a good thing that the numbers are higher now.  He said that he considers 3% to be normal, so that's even better news.

I am not really that hopeful for this cycle.  I'm 10DPO and I don't feel any different.I think that we just need a break and to focus on each other for a while.  And I really truly am fine with that.  We have plans this weekend to go back to Canada to visit some friends, and our summer is becoming more and more jam-packed with plans.  It'll be awesome.

Stop this crazy train, I wanna get off!

So - remember how last post, I was totally zen about the thought of taking a break for the summer and that at the end of the break, we'd probably start talking about adoption a little more seriously?

Well.

The lab tech from the RE's office called today with the full results from Grouper's detailed semen analysis that we did Saturday.

Every.single.thing.came.back.normal.

I am so confused and bewildered right now.  The morphology has always been the issue - he had less than 1% on the first one, 1% on his second one (mind you, these were done at an independent lab), and for this one on Saturday, his morphology was 4%, which according to the lab tech, is "normal."  Motility was good, count was good, volume was good.

So what the hell, universe?

Why can't we get pregnant?  For that matter, why can't we get pregnant on our own?

I am for sure still taking at least a month off, but now, after the break, I'm not sure what to do.

Total mindf**k.  AGAIN.

So, my fellow and former IF'ers,  what say you about morphology?  Has anyone else's spouse had issues and then all of a sudden, they're gone?

Last ditch effort for a while.....

Today we had our IUI.  The sample was great, we had 27.4 million sperm with 89% motility.  I have 2 follicles that should be mature by now, even though we didn't do a follow up U/S.  They are also going to be doing a more extended analysis on this sample (including the morphology, which they think is our issue) and sending that into the urologist first thing Monday.  Grouper had his U/S on Friday and it was just a tech who did it, so he didn't find anything out.  When they compile the U/S results and the SA stats, then we'll go in for another consultation with the urologist and he'll tell us whether varicocele surgery is an option or if the morphology just is how it is.  At that point, we'll make the decision whether we're going to keep doing IUI or adopt.  I just can't see putting my body through IVF.  It's just not for me, I don't think.  I've had a really hard time being on all of this medication for the past few months.  I've gained two bra sizes, I have the worst acne (especially on my back, it's disgusting) that I've ever had in my life, I get headaches, I'm moody.....and to me, I think I can love a child regardless if it's biologically mine or not.  We are going through with everything this month - I have a blood draw next Friday and that will determine if I need progesterone support (yet another NASTY thing that I'm not looking forward to at all), and if this month is a bust, we're done for a while.  I think we'll take the summer off, at least that's our plan now.  We just moved back to a house on a lake with a pool, I want to enjoy that.  I have a wedding to be in and I have to wear a strapless dress - if I can stop being so acnified and lose some boobage between now and then, I'll be fine with that. I want to golf.  I want to ride on the back of Grouper's Harley.  I have a chance to go to Disney World in August - I just don't want to be thinking about fertility treatments in the midst of all that.  It's consuming me right now and I'm tired of infertility running our lives. I want to be selfish for a while, and I think that I (well, really we, because Grouper has to deal with my insanity through it all) have a right to that after doing all this stuff.   I've come to the realization that our lives are absolutely WONDERFUL with the exception of this one setback, and I want to embrace all that we are so blessed to have and enjoy time with my husband for a while.  Then, in the fall, we'll either go back to fertility treatments or start going to some adoption seminars.  We may actually do that this month - I've found one in our area, and it won't hurt to do that, just to get some information and educate ourselves.  I'm so lucky in that Grouper is totally fine with whatever I decide and I feel like we're really on the same page with everything - I know that's not the case for all couples going through this, so I feel really blessed. 

I guess I'm in a good place......well, maybe it's more like, a "whatever happens, happens," place, but for now, that's good enough for me.

Deflated

I went to the RE today for my monitoring u/s and what was supposed to be my trigger shot.  Well, since nothing ever seems to just work out without drama or added hassle and complications, I have two follies, but they're not ripe.  Also, because the doc upped my Clo.mid to 150mg, my lining is less than stellar, so I will probably have to be on luteal support drugs this month (which translates to spending even more money and dealing with most likely even more side effects).  I am waiting on a call back from them to see what I do next.  I am just so done with all of this, I really think that if this month doesn't work, I need to take a break for a little while.

In Grouper news, he went to the urologist on Monday.  The doctor thinks that there is a chance that he might have a variocele (sp?) vein - and that could explain the issue with his morphology.  He has an ultrasound scheduled for Friday afternoon. If it is not an issue with the vein, the doctor said that chances are that the morphology issue is just an issue he has and there's not much he can do except tell us to do IVF, which I doubt we're going to do.

I'm just done worrying about it.  Done thinking about it.  Done feeling like shit about it.  I HATE this.

Thoughts on a gloomy Monday

I just got home from my Day 3 monitoring ultrasound. 

It was technically scheduled for Day 4 - let me clarify.  When my temperature tanked, I knew I was doomed, so I went ahead and called the RE on Friday, setting up the appointment for today. 

Friday came and went, no AF, no signs of AF, just the low temp.
Saturday came.  Same low temp, but no AF......so of course my curiosity was piqued and I started getting hopeful again. 

Then, Saturday night at about 6pm, AF showed up full force and hasn't relented since.  So not only was I almost 2 days later than expected, now I'm currently dealing with a really bitchy AF. 

Not fun.

I did not get to speak to the RE today, for the first time ever, he was not the one who did my ultrasound, it was a tech.  A nurse met with me afterwards and told me what my plan was - she apparently interrupted his consult appointment to find out what he wanted to do.  The plan is to up my Clomid again - joy- to 150mg, and I go for my ultrasound and trigger shot on the 30th.  I wish I could have talked to him to see where he's going with all this, because I'm pretty convinced that the issue lies more in sperm quality than with the quantity of eggs, but that's just me. 

I got the name of a urologist at my last IUI, and Grouper said I could call - after I got another negative, which of course happened.  Now I'm kicking myself that I didn't just call right away when I got the name because I'm afraid I'm not going to get in this cycle and we're going to waste even more time.....maybe I need to quit it, but the fact that we're already into the last month of 2011 IF we get a positive test makes me a bit anxious.  I just feel like this is taking forever and I want it to be done!  But as per usual, there is still no end in sight.

Grouper, on the other hand, is the most laid back person ever, which normally balances me out, but when it comes to the subject of infertility, it just stresses me the hell out because he's so non-chalant about all of it.  I had one of my typical meltdowns on Friday night and he is always so calm and barely shows any emotion.  I don't know what I expect, that's how he always is, but sometimes it makes me feel like he doesn't care.  I told him this, and he said that is NOT the case, which of course I knew, but rather that it is completely out of our control and so he doesn't see the point of getting so stressed out and worked up over something that we can't change. 

Work with me, fellow IF'ers....don't comments like that just make you want to smack people upside the head?  I don't know, it just rubbed me the wrong way for some reason.

Then there's my much-older best friend with three kids who never had any fertility problems (but did have a miscarriage at one point) who always asks how things are going and tries to be all positive and wants me to tell her how I feel and stuff, and when I do, she says things like, "Well, why don't you just focus on something else for a while?  Don't you have to take some classes to keep your teaching license current?  Is there any chance of you getting a long term teaching position?  There's nothing you can do about it right now, so why don't you just let things happen the way they're going to happen."  While she means well, I just want to slap her.  I'm sorry, but nothing on the face of the planet could make me "take my mind off" of this.  When you get to this point in the process, it's all or nothing.  You either have to be going to weekly or bi-weekly appointments, taking medicine, peeing on sticks, getting shots and catheters shot up in you, or doing nothing at all, which is not going to help us achieve our end result.  You can't just stop thinking about something that you want this badly that you've been doing everything in your power to get.  It doesn't work that way.

I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand, or a maze, or a bunch of vines that keep wrapping themselves around my body and squeezing the life out of me. 

The problem remains that I don't know how to get out.

Enough said.

I am so over this shit.

14 DPO

This month's in orange.  I originally got very excited because my temps are a bit higher than normal, but then I realized that every month I've been medicated (they're all shown here), looks pretty much just like this - two days that are pretty much the same, and then a huge nose dive and AF shows up.  When my temp went up yesterday, I wanted to test, but all I had were those little cheapie strips that came with my OPKs....I used one, and of course it was negative.   My charts are consistent - consistently negative!  This month, though, I've felt a lot different.  Two days ago, I had a half-day teaching job, and when I got home at noon, I laid on the couch and didn't move until 5 because I was so exhausted.  I slept for a lot of it, too.  And that didn't stop me from sleeping 11 hours that night.  I've got sore bbs, I've been having weird cramping, and I have a headache today.  On Saturday, I was nauseous.....the only other time that happened, I was pregnant, and it only happened once for about 5 minutes, which was exactly how this little episode was.  I want to stop thinking about all these things, but I can't.

I guess time will tell tomorrow.........

Food For Thought

"For in life there is no music, you have no cues. Most things happen in silence. You live your life forward and remember only backward. Nothing is relived, only just remembered and that incompletely. And life isn't simple like a movie story, there is too much to remember. And all that you forget, it's gone as if it has never been. Instead of crying you might as well laugh."- Excerpt from The Gravedigger's Daughter by Joyce Carol Oates

And I almost forgot.....

There was another one of those creepy coincidences that I sometimes see as a "sign" that happened as I got in my car today to leave the RE's office.

I got in, turned the car on, and the song that was playing on the radio was the song that I posted about on the day the album came out - "Little Miss" by Sugarland.  That song has kinda been my anthem ever since.

The most important lyrics of all are these - "It'll be alright again." 

I heard them and I smiled.

IUI #2

I didn't know for sure if we were going to be able to pull this one off today - we woke up to super slick roads and lots of accidents (a friend of mine saw 20 accidents in 2 miles), but we took our time and each made it to the RE's office safely, albeit a bit late.  After today's drive in, I could definitely tell I'm on hormones.  I normally have a touch of road rage, but it was to the extreme today.  I wanted to snap some necks!

Grouper's sample was AWESOME today, the lab tech even said "excellent," which I always like to hear, because if there's one thing they don't do at my RE's office, it's BS us about what's going on.  They tell it like it is.  His numbers today were 20.8 million post wash with over 90% motility, so that is really promising in comparison to the other two cycles. 

I'm feeling really good about things this month.  I'm almost tempted to say "at peace," which is weird, because that never truly happens.

Grouper started a new position within his company this past week and his new responsibilities will be taking him to Germany in a couple weeks, and there's a good chance I will be able to go with him.  I am hoping so, because if that's the case, most of my 2ww anxiety and energy can be put into thinking about and planning my 4 or so days in Deutschland.  That would be AWESOME.  And it is the perfect time, because the worst case scenario is that I'd be dealing with AF, and that's nothing new.

Here we go.  Time to hurry up and wait again!

IUI #1 this month.....

9.1 million after wash......84% motility (WAYYYY better than last month).  I find those numbers to be promising.  I'd like the overall count to be higher, but hey, it only takes one.
The white blood cells were back, but there were less this time and they were able to be removed during the wash.  I got the names of two urologists in the area that Grouper can choose from - I want him to go and see what that's all about, and hopefully there's something they can do to improve the quality of the sperm and get rid of those WBCs for good.

IUI #2 is tomorrow morning, same bat time, same bat channel.

I've been triggered.

I went to the RE today for my monitoring appointment and trigger shot.  My endometrium was good, (9.2), I have one follicle on each side, and the one on the left was called "huge and gorgeous" by the RE, and he even showed me the actual egg floating around inside it during the ultrasound.  It was awesome!  He was very optimistic about this cycle and recommended that we try two back-to-back IUIs again this month.  I have one tomorrow and and one Friday, both at 830, which should work out perfect since I'll ovulate at around 9pm tomorrow night.  I just love my doctor.  We have a good rapport.  He's super nice, he likes college basketball and told me I have good taste in teams (a man after my own heart, haha) and today he even gave me the trigger shot himself.  It's the little things like that and the fact that he's willing to do the little things that make me feel so certain that we're in the right place right now and that he'll be able to help us to have a baby.

Wish us luck over the next two days.....when I told Grouper about my huge and gorgeous follie, he said, "Ok, now all you need is some huge, gorgeous, and strong sperm.  I'll get right on that."  Fingers crossed, y'all!

Fears and worries for my future child/children

There have been so many things in the news and on TV lately that have really gotten the wheels in my head turning about what life will be for my future child or children.

I know it might seem weird, but I think about this stuff a lot.  I already love the child that we'll someday have - so much. Ultimately just want my child to be HAPPY and to dream big and achieve everything that he or she will set her mind to.

I saw this show that Lisa Ling did called Our America: Transgender Lives.  It focused on children that were born as one sex but in their heads, identify as the opposite sex.  I find it so fascinating and I cannot imagine how hard it must be for the transgendered person and for the loved ones who are around to (hopefully) support them on their journeys to figure out who they really are.  I was so inspired by how the people on the show transformed themselves and were supported by those around them - but I can't imagine how it must have been for some of those people when they left the comfort of their own home and those around them who understood the situation and had to face "society,"  which is often cruel and judgmental.

I have seen shows about people who are gay and have no support from their families and many end up depressed, suicidal, and alone.  Others are totally accepted.  I think I would be able to accept any struggles my child would have and I would support anything, no matter what.  Especially since we're going through all of this to become parents.  But I worry constantly about my husband (as much as I love him, he's sometimes a bit old-fashioned and close-minded on things) because some of the comments he makes at times aren't as tolerant as they could be.  I'm sure that we'll have arguments and will have to compromise and meet in the middle, because the only important thing is that the child we have is healthy, happy, and feels loved and accepted. 

I know that situations like the ones I described above are extreme - but there are tons of everyday struggles that parents go through that I'm sure I haven't even thought about yet. Peer pressure, bullying, underage drinking, substance abuse, choosing friends, broken hearts, broken bones.......

I guess that once we're finally past this set of struggles, there will be a whole new set to conquer.  I never really thought about that until very recently.

But I CANNOT wait.

It's been awhile

Hi.

Sorry for the absence, I really just haven't felt like writing, as we're still stuck in the fertility treatment cyclone and there's no sign of when we'll get out.

It just gets hard.  I feel so unsure - not really optimistic or pessimistic, just unsure and scared of how long this will take before something positive happens.  I just feel like so many of the major life decisions for us have been up in the air for three years.  First it was being in Canada and not knowing when we could come home - and we couldn't talk about it to too many people, because it was kinda "on the down low."  Then it was me getting my job situation resolved.  Then it all went back to trying to get pregnant, and that too is kinda "on the down low," as it is with most people who are doing fertility treatments.  It's just hard.

I really had a great 2ww last month - I wasn't too preoccupied with what would happen, I had lots ot things to keep my mind off of it, and I was feeling great.  Then AF was a day late and of course my temps screwed with my head, and when AF finally did come, I was so angry.  So, so, SO angry.  Why can't it just work out for us once?  I am past wanting more than one child.  I just want one of our own, if that's possible.  I won't do this again once it works out for us, we'll adopt if we decide we want more than one child.  I find this stressful enough as it is with just the two of us - I feel like it takes my focus away from Grouper when it shouldn't, and I can't imagine going through treatment with a child already here to take care of and spend quality time with, too.  In my opinion, it wouldn't be fair to my child.  Oops, I got off on a tangent there.  What I started to say was that I was so angry.  Angrier than I've ever been.  I didn't want to cry, I wanted to scream, cuss, punch someone.....but the problem is, there really isn't anyone to direct the anger towards, you know?  It's nothing I did wrong.  It's nothing the doctor did wrong.  It's nothing Grouper did wrong.  So I feel like I have all this anger just floating around.  I am trying hard hard HARD not to be angry at God.  So many people have told me to keep the faith, and I'm trying my best, but when I hear stories like I heard this week - my sister's former roommate is 15 weeks pregnant, she has ovarian issues -cysts or PCOS or both - and she was on the pill.  She is now planning a shotgun wedding to her boyfriend, who she was contemplating breaking up with not too long ago. Her baby is perfectly healthy.  Now 'm not saying I wish her ill will at all...I don't.  She's so sweet and nice and she'll be a wonderful mom, and if she got pregnant in that way, then this child is obviously meant to be.  But in the back of my sick and twisted infertile little mind, I can't help but say, "Really, God?  REALLY?!?!?  What did we do to deserve this?" 

I know I need to just let it go and trust that things will work out.  It easy to say that when you're not in the midst of it.  It's easy to say it in retrospect.  It's easy to say it if you're someone on the outside seeing how much this is tearing me up.  But it's not easy for me to do.  It's just not. 

So, on we go.  I'm on day 4 of Clo.mid (100mg), my monitoring ultrasound and trigger shot are next Wednesday, IUI is Thursday.

I beat the storm!

I made it to the doctor's office this morning and the IUI went just fine.  The office was a bit busy because they're planning to be shut down tomorrow, so everyone was in today getting things done.  Apparently no one is due to ovulate tomorrow, so that's a good thing - I'd be so mad if I was supposed to have a procedure done and I wasn't able to make it in!  I don't have to worry, though.  We're only doing one IUI this month. 

The white blood cells that appeared in both of Grouper's samples last month were nowhere to be found this morning.  I guess the antibiotic helped!  After the wash, the sample had 14.7 million sperm and 49% motility.  The nurse who did the IUI (who I love, by the way) seemed very optimistic about the count and about the fact that the WBCs are gone, and she didn't think the motility was great, but it wasn't a huge concern to her, either.  I was expecting the IUI to be a lot more painful than it was.  It really wasn't painful at all, to be honest.  I'm a little bit crampy every once in a while now, but nothing terrible.  Now it's just back to waiting.  I hope that it works this month, but if it doesn't, I'm ok with trying this again next month without reservations.  It's so reassuring that the WBC problem cleared up.  The nurse mentioned that she still is a bit concerned about Grouper's initial SA result that showed less than 1% strict morphology, but I reminded her that we were able to get pregnant on our own, and she said that doesn't normally happen to people with that morphology level, and also she said that because the first two SAs were done at a different facility, the results may not have been interpreted exactly the way that my RE's home lab would have interpreted them.  Oh well, they're just numbers.  I'm honestly feeling a lot more optimistic that IUI will work for us eventually.

I'll keep you posted! Fingers crossed and prayers, please!!

Cycle 2, here we go!!

I've been a bit MIA, no real reason, just didn't feel like blogging.

There have been 5 pregnancy announcements amongst my real-life acquaintances since I last blogged. 

I also encountered a mother-to-be (probably around 7-8 months along) smoking a cigarette outside of her place of employment (not to be rude, but it was a gas station, so go figure).  If there would not have been someone behind me in line, I think I would have ripped her a new one, but I was afraid that if I opened my mouth, I wouldn't stop.  And really, what she chooses to do and how she chooses to abuse her unborn child is her own business.  I just wish that selfish people like that would think about how much others would KILL to be in their shoes and that they would realize that children are PRECIOUS.  But they don't, so I don't know why I get myself all worked up about it.

I was on 100mg of Clomid this cycle, and I could definitely tell the difference between that and the 50mg.  I had hot flashes, headaches, and just felt yucky overall.  It was worth it, though, because at my monitoring ultrasound this morning, I had a 19mm follie on the right and a 21mm follie on the left.  My lining was about 7mm, but he showed me the "three lines" on the screen that shows that it's still nice and fluffy, albeit thinner than last time.  I got my trigger shot, and we're ready to rock!

Grouper's been taking his antibiotics faithfully, and tomorrow morning we're doing the full IUI, regardless of if there are an abnormal number of white blood cells (they'll just put me on an antibiotic if there's an issue).  I'm a bit nervous that it's going to be a lot more uncomfortable than the high cervical insemination, but I think I can handle it.


I'm hoping that Sloper's successful IUI is a sign that mine will be, too.....it definitely gives me hope!

Bust.

It didn't work.

And the worst part of it is, I got results from the nurse on Grouper's cultures for the "infection" he supposedly had.  There, of course, was no infection, so we did the half-assed procedure FOR.NO.REASON. 

That just makes me wonder, what if?

I have been a mess for the past couple days.  Even though I thought I didn't have high hopes, it's hard not to when the hcg and Clomid cause symptoms that I never had, even in the short time I was pregnant.

I couldn't help but get my hopes up, and so I was wayyy devastated when my temperature tanked.

I really don't know how long I can emotionally go through this.  It's just so exhausting.

I'm calling the doctor first thing tomorrow to get Cycle #2 started.

Yippee.

8dpiui

It's been 8 days now.  I'm not sure how I feel, really.  I think that the hcg has definitely caused some symptoms for me, because I've been tired, had headaches, and I have the sorest nips in the world!  That's never happened before, but I'm not too hopeful about it, because it's still too early to tell, in my opinion.  I want to get my hopes up so badly, but I know that if I do, it'll just be harder if we get another BFN.

I've been writing in my little IF journal a lot, and I've been knitting a lot (mostly for my girl Tarah, whose due date is quickly approaching!), and I had my massage on Monday, so that was nice.  I have also been having some girl time with friends, which has been great, although one of my friends basically told me the other day that she thought I needed to find something else to occupy my time because I sit around and think too much.  As much as I don't want to admit it, I think she's right.  The day after that, my substitute teaching paperwork finally came through, and I have my first assignment tomorrow, so that's exciting.  I am nervous, though!  It's been over three years since I've been in a classroom, and I'm a bit intimidated.  It'll be fine, I hear it's just like riding a bike, but right now there's definitely some anxiety!

The other day, I found someone I know IRL who has gone through IF and is now deciding to adopt.  Even though this is premature, I decided to reach out to her and let her know that I understand how difficult infertility is and that I'm so happy that she and her husband are finally going to be parents.  I also asked her what processes they've gone through in order to make the adoption happen, just in case it gets to that point for us.  Grouper thinks that I'm jumping the gun, but I like to know exactly what I'm getting into before it happens.  I want to be prepared for every scenario. 

Based on that discussion, we had another big discussion.  We were saying how crazy it is that the amount of money we've spent on this "basic" cycle is so much more than we were initially told, and how much more expensive IVF will be, and whether it's really worth it if it doesn't work.  So I asked him about adoption and what he thought.  He said that it's a lot of paperwork and there will be a lot of stuff to do and it'll be very stressful.....and then he said, "We have a good life, we're happy...would it really be the end of the world if we never have kids?"   I was floored.  The more we talked about it, the more I figured out that he only said that because he doesn't want to put any more pressure on me than there already is, it's not because he doesn't want children - he wants them just as badly as I do, maybe even more so.  We came to the conclusion that we're going to do IUI for at least one or two cycles after this (you know, since we didn't do the full procedure this month), and then we'll have some serious soul searching to do.

I guess, that once again, the only thing we can do is wait.  Man, that gets old.

Day 2

We repeated the procedure this morning.  That was the original plan, even before there was a risk of infection.  I apparently ovulated at around 12AM today, so yesterday was to try to get to the sperm there before ovulation, today was to try to squeak some more in there before it's too late.  Even though the preliminary culture results came back today showing no signs of infection, the culture has to "grow" for a whole week, so they could not risk doing a full IUI in case there still could be an infection.  I got to look at the sample under the microscope again, and there were not near as many white blood cells in it today and those little swimmers were swimming away!  The nurse asked me if Grouper ate his Wheaties this morning, because todays numbers were off the charts in comparison to yesterday - 29.2 million sperm AFTER the wash (yesterday's was only 6.1).  I think that the myth that abstinence builds more sperm has been debunked for us.  We had 2.5 days of abstinence going into yesterday, and yet only 24 hours later, we get 5 times the amount.....hmmm.  The nurse said that she targeted the sample really well today, so I'm hoping that it works.  I'm not super super hopeful, but I guess there's nothing I can do now but wait.  They're giving me the option of testing at home using an HPT (which I won't do because I had an HCG shot, which could potentially give a false positive), waiting,for AF to show up, or coming into the office on the 18th for a blood draw.  I'm not sure what I want to do yet....I guess I'll just see how I feel as the days go on.  I'm going to try to relax and distract myself as much as possible.  Last night I went out for dinner and shopping with friends, which was fun, and my substitute teaching paperwork is due to come through and be finalized by the end of the week, so hopefully I can start WORKING soon!  I'm not going to go full time or anything crazy like that (haha), but it will be nice to feel like I'm contributing to society again.  Grouper got me a 60 minute deluxe massage for my birthday (complete with hot rocks, yippee!), so I think I'll try to schedule that appointment for late this week or sometime next week, too. 

I got myself a new journal that I'm going to use to write down all of this gobbledy gook pertaining to fertility that tends to cloud my head in times like these. Yes, blogging helps, too, but I find handwriting it to be more therapeutic for some reason, and I've really let my journaling slide in the past couple years.  I'm going to try to get back into it, because once I do finally get pregnant, I want to start writing a journal of letters to my child, starting in utero and continuing throughout his or her life until adulthood.  It's kinda corny, but I think it has the potential to be special and could be a valuable keepsake when I'm gone. 

Well, I'd better get busy......it may be a little quiet around here for the next couple of weeks, but then again, it may not, it depends on how delusional I become during this two week wait.  :)

IUI #1 (sorta)

Grouper dropped his sample off and I went in an hour later.  When I went in, the lab tech took me straight back to the lab and let me look under the microscope at all the little swimmers that were doing the backstroke all over the slide!  :)  She said the sample was good - 6.1 million after the wash, and that the motility was good.  Then she said, "BUT....." and I freaked out.  Apparently the sample had a very high number of white blood cells, which is not necessarily a good sign.  The lab tech said that it could be a sign of an infection of some sort, like a UTI or something, and because of that, the doctor said that it probably would not be a good idea to do a full IUI for risk of passing on the potential infection to me.  She did say that the "white blood cells" could actually be immature sperm, but that without sending the cultures to another lab, it would be impossible to tell.

The alternative, which is what ended up happening, was a high-cervical insemination.  The sperm was inserted right at the tip of the cervix, so the nurse who did the procedure said that it's a little more targeted than the natural way, but that the chances aren't quite as high as they would be if we did an IUI.  We're doing it again tomorrow because I've already taken the Clomid and the wash has got to help a bit.......but I must admit that I'm really bummed out because I just once again feel like there's always a catch - nothing can just be easy, there's always got to be a problem. 

I'm trying to stay positive, but I guess everything's out of my hands now.  I talked to Grouper and he said he doesn't really understand, because he thought that if he has an infection, he'd know it, and he doesn't feel like it.  Who knows.  Ugh.

It has begun.....

I was feeling kinda crampy last night and decided to take an OPK just to see what was going on.  I got a positive last night and again this morning, and I called the doc right away last night and left a message - they called me this morning and I went in at 11:45 for my ultrasound.

The doctor said my lining looked good (9.1mm), and I had one follie on my left side that was 24mm, which he says is good.  I got my hcG shot, which didn't hurt at the time, but hurts now....my hip is sore!  Grouper will drop off his "contribution" at 7:30am, I'll go in at 8:30 for my IUI.  The doc recommended that we do 2 IUIs this cycle, so we'll repeat the process on Wednesday.  I'm excited, but I probably shouldn't be as excited as I am. 

The doc also said that if this cycle doesn't work, we may need to consider doing an SA to test for DNA fragmentation issues with Grouper's sperm.  The test is somewhat expensive and the doc said that there's no point in doing it this month, but if our IUIs don't work, we should consider it.  I'm not going to worry about that until we have to, hopefully it's not even an issue.

Wish us luck......

Update

It seems like the past two weeks have flown by - between Grouper working on our floors like crazy and having the house torn up, having to travel to Indiana for Christmas and hanging around there for my birthday, and then coming back and hosting a New Year's Eve party, we've been busy. 

Tomorrow it's back to real life - back to work for Grouper (major bummer) and back to normal for me.  I am going to start trying a little harder to get all of my substitute teaching stuff in order (I've been trying, but I've kinda enjoyed my time off, too), and I'm going to start working on getting the house back in order and starting up some new knitting projects (I have seven pregnant people whose babies I want to knit for that will be here between now and July). 

I started Clo.mid on Christmas Eve and now I've been doing OPKs and just waiting for my LH surge to show up.  It's day 13, and so far, nothing.  I started on 50mg, and I've noticed a couple "side effects" - I get cramping every now and then, but nothing I can't manage, and I've noticed that I have more CM and that it's more watery than normal (TMI, I know, but it is what it is).  I am expecting to get my positive OPK tomorrow or Tuesday (hopefully) and from there I'll call the RE and we'll set up my ultrasound.  Getting my hCG shots through the mail was kind of a pain, but it's here now, and I'm still not sure when I'm supposed to take it and I'm a bit uneasy about the thought of Grouper stabbing me with a needle, but we'll do what we have to do. 

It seems like there is pregnancy in the air all around me - even our priest's sermon today centered on a parishoners's new pregnancy and the idea of love vs. fear and how faith plays such a role in all of that.  It's the first time in a long time that a sermon has actually made me stop in my tracks and really pay attention.  As a matter of fact, I started to tear up a little.  We're trying our best to be positive and enjoy our time as a couple until our wishes come true. 

I hope all of you get what you wish for in 2011 as well.....Happy New Year!