What's been going on at our house.....

The house is torn up....Grouper is putting in hardwood flooring over the holidays, so.....

I'm confined to the basement, doggy-sitting these girls,

because the new one gets into everything (puppies are like that), and poor Delilah is scared of all the noise.  Look how big Remi is! 

She's only about one-third of what she'll be full-grown.  We're in trouble, folks.

I've also been attempting to be crafty!  I painted some ornaments

and knitted a purse, which I'm giving to my cousin for Christmas (she better like it!)

I went to a friend's to learn how to sew.....she did all the machine work because I didn't want to mess it up, but the handstitching that secured the lining into the bag is ALL ME. :)  Now I want to learn how to sew!  It was so much fun!

And I also played Auntie Paparazzi, which is one of my favorite things to do!

They're so cute, I just want to melt.

Especially this little one.  She's at that really fun photogenic age, and I have a million pics of her.

I can't wait to have one of my own....and on that front, I'm going to place the call to the RE right after I finish this post.  AF came today, so Clo.mid should be starting soon!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, everyone!  I hope that you all get what you wish for in 2011!

How it went.

Our appointment was almost 2 hours long.  Most of it was spent in Dr. Max's office, going over our charts and lab results and discussing statistics and terminology.  I've never met a man that has more statistics in his head than Dr. Max.  I guess it's a good thing, though, because he knows his stuff and he knows what the benefits are for us to do certain things vs. other things that may not have as high of a success rate.  Grouper, being an engineer, really loves the way that Dr. Max presents everything because it's totally a numbers game.  Anyway, he started off right away with a number that I didn't particularly like.  He said that with the way Grouper's sperm is and considering that my FSH levels from my blood work last month was 10.6, (it should be 10 or below, apparently) that we only have a 2% chance of conceiving naturally within one year.  Ugh.  He said that he was quite surprised that we were able to conceive on our own the first time, especially after just five months of trying, but that it was a really good thing that we did, because now there are things that he knows about my body that he couldn't thoroughly test for:  the fact that eggs can move through my fallopian tube and implant.  He also said that he wasn't surprised that my pregnancy ended in miscarriage because in all likelihood, the sperm that fertilized my egg was a poorly shaped one, and therefore it was chromosomally (I don't know if I spelled that correctly) defective.  Pregnancies that begin with a poorly shaped sperm have over 50% miscarriage rate before 8 weeks.  As we were sitting there, all of these light bulbs kept going off in my head.  It all kinda adds up and makes sense now.  It still totally effing sucks, but it makes sense. 

He told us that our chances of conceiving will be greatly increased with an IUI or IVF.  He said that if I was over 35 (I'm almost 27), he would say that we need to go straight to IVF, but since I'm not and since my cycles aren't all that bad, we may have a shot with IUI.  He said we can try it for a few months unmedicated, and if nothing happens, then we step it up to either medicated IUI (with Clo.mid and hcG shots) or IVF after that.  He also said that if sperm counts are high and everything with that route is going well, he sometimes does two IUIs per cycle, which I didn't even know was possible.  He said that when sperm is washed, though, they don't test that sperm's morphology, so we have no real way of knowing if it's good or not, but the fact that all of it goes straight into my fallopian tubes and doesn't have to make the entire journey definitely increases our odds.  He said that IVF cycles usually run about $9300 for the initial one with egg retrieval and everything, and every thaw cycle is an additional $1500-2000.  Ugh. 

So we had all the info, and he told us to go home and think about it, and then he said, "Wait, I forgot to ask you where you are in this cycle.  What cycle day are you on?"  I told him yesterday was day 16 and that I've been ovulating on day 17 the past couple cycles.  So he said, "Well, since you're here, let's go check your follicles and see if they've ruptured and how they look, and if they look good, you can have an IUI tomorrow."  My mouth hit the floor.  This guy wasn't messing around!  And I hadn't even shaved my legs!  :)  We went in and looked, and I had 2 follies on one side, one was completely undeveloped and the other one was only about 7.5mm, and the other one on the other side was 8mm....so they were both too small to work with.  He said that now that he's seen that my follies are small, he recommends that we do a medicated IUI right out of the gate.  So, starting with my next cycle, I start Clo.mid and I'll have an hcG shot.  He said we have something like a 28% chance of conceiving.  I'm ok with that, it's a hell of a lot higher than 2%.

This is really happening, I'm still having trouble wrapping my brain around that.  I still want to believe that we can do this on our own, but it's obvious we can't.  When I saw the fact that our consult was labeled "high severity" on our bill, it really hit home.  Hopefully they can help us soon.........

Today's the day.

I apologize for my absence, but it's been a crazy week and a half.  I lost my grandfather on Thanksgiving morning (somewhat unexpectedly - he was diagnosed with liver cancer on Sunday and was gone by the following Thursday) and we've been all over the place ever since.

 At 2:30 this afternoon, Grouper and I will be meeting with our RE, Dr. Max, for the first time.  I'm very excited to finally get something going, but I'm very nervous as to what that "something" might be. 

We've filled out all of our paperwork....tons of it, yikes, and I've got my questions ready. 

I'm still scared that we're going to get in there and he's going to say, "We can't do anything until Grouper sees a urologist," or, "your only option is IVF." 

I think I'm willing to do IVF, but I'm really scared about it.  There are many reasons, and I won't go into them now because I'm still not sure what our options are, but I'm hoping that we can try IUI first and get results that way.

I'll report back once our appointment is over....wish us luck!

RE appt

I told Grouper about our results last night.  He reacted much as I expected, but when he said, "So, are you glad it's me and not you?", I didn't really know how to respond.  If he's feeling major guilt, he didn't tell me.  I asked him if he was ok with everything later on in the night once it had time to process, and he said that he is and that we just need to go to the RE now and see what he says.

Upon looking at his results a bit more closely, it appears that the sperm count on the first SA was good, but the one on the second SA was low.  And the problem that showed up on both is that his morphology (they use the Kruger's Strict Criteria, whatever that is) is low....around 1% .  I guess that anything below 4% can cause issues with becoming pregnant.  I have not really started researching what all of this means, because I'm afraid of what I'll find out. It says in the notes at the bottom of both SA result papers that possible reasons for the abnormal values is "dysfunctional germinal epithelium."  I don't know if this means that we'll be able to get pregnant with IUI or if we would have to do IVF to have a better shot.....does anyone know anything about this? 

I did read a bit about the effects of the surgery that Grouper had when he was around 4 or 5 on fertility.  Apparently when the surgery is performed before age 1, there are less chances of fertility issues.  If the surgery is performed after age 4, the risk of lower sperm count and other issues is much higher.  I don't know if Grouper's parents had a choice of when to do the surgery, because he was a child in the 70's, you know.  I am pretty sure that those types of surgery weren't as advanced then as they are now.  I don't know, it'll definitely been interesting to see what the RE says.  We are not able to get in to the RE until December 6th.  We also need to do a visit with a urologist, I think.  I'm not sure whether we should try to get a referral to do that before we go to the RE or not, my doctor said it was up to us. 

So I'm just processing information now and doing the waiting game. 

Part of me just hopes I'm pregnant this month and we won't have to think about this again for a while.  My boobs have been feeling heavier than normal when I get up in the mornings and my nose is sensitive, but hey, I may just have new puppy-mom radar because I can track down the smell of puppy accidents really quickly.  I'm 10dpo now, my temp is still high, but I won't know anything for a few days.  I'm not expecting it, that's for sure. 

Well, I'm rambling now.  If anyone knows anything about morphology rates and what the options are, I'd appreciate some information, no matter how scary it is.

Crawling out of my hole to tell you.....

I had my last blood draw today.  This one was to tell my doctor what my progesterone levels are.  The nurse practitioner that I've been "dating", as she says, every week for the past 4 Mondays, said as I left that the results would not be in for a couple days, and at that time, I could expect a call from my doctor giving us the results of the complete battery of tests.

Imagine my surprise when I got a call this afternoon from the nurse practitioner.  She told me that from all of my labs that have come back, my doctor thinks everything with me is normal.  She did say, however, that Grouper has some issues.  She said she wasn't super familiar with reading the SA results, but that from what she could tell, he had a sperm count of 12 million, and they prefer that the count is higher than 20.  Also, his sperm motility was 60%, which she said is somewhat low.  She said that treating male fertility issues tends to be a lot easier than dealing with female fertility issues, and that my doctor thinks that IUI is the best bet for us.  She is referring us to an RE in the area, but I am not sure if he will do the IUI or if my doctor will (if I have a choice in the matter, I'd honestly like my doctor to do it, but I can't really make that decision, especially not until after I meet this guy). 

I feel terrible and somewhat selfish saying this, but it's like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.  Even though I know I shouldn't, I tend to have this underlying guilty feeling about all of our issues....that they're my fault.  And I don't want to think of them as my fault or Grouper's, I just want to get things fixed.  I must say, though......I am somewhat looking forward to letting my MIL in on this piece of information, because she was pretty much sure that there was no reason for us to be getting checked out, and for sure there wasn't any issues with HER son, it had to be my fault (she never said that last bit, but that's most definitely how she has made me feel in the past year and a half).  I just hope it'll shut her up, or at least make her more supportive.

Now I just have to figure out how to tell Grouper.  He's hunting Up North until late Wednesday night.  I'm not going to call him right now and take his focus off of hunting and put it on this.  I think overall he will have a positive attitude about it.  He is more of a, "Ok, this is the problem.  Now we know.  Let's fix it," kinda guy and I'm one of those, "Woe is me, why us, wah wah wah," person (if you didn't already know that).  I want to call the RE right now and get scheduled, but I can't until I talk to him and I know his schedule and all that.  I guess I just have to sit on my hands for the next couple days. 

I am relieved, though.  Honestly.  Last week was the week from Hell.  I am happy for all people who are finally out of this infertile battle, but holy crap, it's a heavy hitting week when I have not only the first anniversary of the loss of my pregnancy, but also hear 7 pregnancy announcements in 7 days.  That's rough.  I'm trying to get out of my funk the best that I can.  That's all I can do. 

And now we know what needs to be fixed.  If I can't get a positive pregnancy test right now, this is definitely the next best thing.

Done.

I'm having a really bad day today.

Bad.

I just feel like no matter what I do, we still are in the same position as we were a year ago...but oh wait, that's not true, because a year ago today I was still pregnant.

I'm just feeling really alone and really sorry for myself today.  As a matter of fact, I don't even know why I'm bothering to blog anymore.  All it seems to be is negativity. 

I think I may just step away until I get my act together.  I hate raining on everyone else's parade.

To top it all off, I have to go to the funeral home tonight because a good friend of mine that I worked with in Canada lost her husband to cancer.  After 50 years together.  That is going to be tough.

When will happy things start happening?

I'll see you when I see you.

10-26-09

Was the happiest day of my life.  The day I got my BFP.

Sigh.

A year later, here we are.  Back at square one.  No baby.  A baby room with a fresh coat of paint, a crib all set up and ready to go, but no baby.

Sometimes, that kills me.

And so it begins.....

It's been a long day for a lot of reasons.  The new puppy is fitting in well with the familiy, but the bottom line is that she's a PUPPY, and she has a lot of learning to do.  That can be frustrating for me and our other "behaved" dog, especially when we're home alone while Grouper's out of town.  We're managing, though, and I guess the overall helplessness and the sleepless nights are decent practice for a baby.  :)

I called this morning to make my appointment for my blood draw tomorrow and realized that TODAY is CD 3, not tomorrow.  Unfortunately I realized this after I ate breakfast.  Oops.  The nurse practitioner had me wait until the afternoon and I went in and had my first blood draw.  I'm not sure exactly what this one is looking for...maybe it's just a starting point.  I go back in a week, and that one is the one where I have to fast and they test my glucose and my thyroid.  Then, I will use OPKs to find out when I'm going to ovulate, and when I'm on my peak day, I am to go in again.  There will be one last test this month, and that will be 8 days after ovulation.

I am so ready to have this done and know what to expect next. 

I found out that apparently my MIL thinks that this testing is "unnecessary" and that we need to stop stressing out and when we relax, it'll happen.  Ha.  Thank goodness she didn't say that to my face, she said it to my SIL.  My SIL stod up for me and said that all things considered, she thinks we're handling everything quite well, and that after two years, we are being "proactive" by being tested.  Thanks, SIL.

On top of that and my period coming two days late and totally screwing with my head, my mom called and told me that she saw one of my old high school classmates at the store, who told her that another classmate of mine (who is unmarried, doesn't have a steady job, and has a boyfriend who has a bunch of kids with a bunch of different women), is pregnant and that I'm apparently on the list to be invited to her baby shower. JOY.  I haven't talked to this girl for like five years......why would I be on the list?  Not only that, I couldn't believe my mother, the woman who struggled with infertility for nine years, would call me up to tell me something like that out of the blue.  Ugh.  She could have at least prefaced it with, "I know you don't wanna hear this, but...."  I think it wouldn't normally bug me, but she called the day I started my period.  Gag.  I know, I'm whining, but sometimes I have to.

Ok, I'm gonna get back on the positive track, right now.  This is the last month that we'll have uncertainty.....soon, we'll have answers and we'll know what to do next.

And if I get my Christmas/birthday wish this year, I'll be pregnant by Christmas.

I'm off to find my stationery.....I might just write Santa a letter this year.  :)

Bust. Again. (and gratuitous doggie cuteness)

Yesterday. CD 14.  Temp dropped, but no AF and no signs of her showing up.

Today.  CD 15.  Two days after when AF usually shows up.  Temp went back up when I took it at 6am (granted, I was totally sleep deprived, but I was totally surprised).  Took a test.  STILL negative. Still no signs of AF.  Then I went to the bathroom at about 5pm (if I start, I normally start in the morning).....and HELLO, AF!

I shouldn't have been disappointed, surprised, whatever, but I was.  I mean, I can do this when I have normal cycles that result in AF, but when I'm two days late?  Yeah, that sucks.

Grouper and I had another really awesome heart to heart last night about our options and how it really wouldn't be the end of the world if we end up having to adopt.  He just kept reassuring me that the doctor will be able to help us and we'll have answers before we know it.

I have to call the doc's office first thing Monday to schedule a blood draw for the next two Tuesdays.  Gropuer's first semen analysis is Wednesday.

IUI, here we come (most likely).....even though my doc hasn't laid out a specific plan as to when we'll do our first one, that's what she indicated would be our best option, and if I had to guess, the month of November will probably be our "running tests" month and we'll be a go for my December cycle. 

I'd take a BFP for Christmas and my birthday, no problem!

In the meantime, I have this to keep me busy. 

So far she's doing a pretty good job of keeping my mind off of things.  And we're definitely getting a taste of what sleep deprivation with children will be like....she's cried ALL night long for the past two nights! And she sleeps during the day, of course....sometimes in my coffee table.

At least she's getting along with her sister.

And I had to throw in this picture of Grouper and Delilah......he was trying his best to calm her down and reassure her that we still love her, even though we have another dog.....now do you see why I think he'll make an awesome dad?  :)

13 DPO

I should start AF today.  Normally my temperature has taken a huge nose dive by now.  

It still hasn't.  I caved late last night and took a test, which was, of course, NEGATIVE. The chart is looking REALLY good, but I'm afraid that as usual, it's too good to be true.  I've noticed that I've been extra hungry and more tired than normal the past day or so as well.  But all of those symptoms sometimes happen when AF is coming, too.  Grouper asked me again last night why I'm always so negative about my chances of getting pregnant.  I told him because I was tired of always getting my hopes up and then getting kicked in the teeth.  He just doesn't get it sometimes.  This morning my temperature held fairly steady, and I was going to test again, but I couldn't bear to do it.  So I guess I'll test again tomorrow if my temperature holds.  Maybe I should just follow FF's advice and wait until Sunday and stop giving myself major mindf***.  

But, honestly, check out this comparison chart of the last four consecutive months. This month is orange. It's looking pretty good, right??  Or maybe, as I fear, it's another month like the month in green.  We'll see.

Oh, man.

So the verdict is still out on whether I'm pregnant or not.  I'm afraid to take a test, so I'm waiting at least one more day.  In the meantime, I'm proceeding with things as if I'm not, because why would this month be any different than the past however many months?  Anyway, it's time to schedule Grouper's semen analysis.  He's being kind of a baby about it, in my opinion.  First of all, he won't call himself - his excuse:  "I sit in a cube, not an office.  What am I supposed to do, yell out, in the middle of a bunch of people, "HEY, CAN I DROP OFF SOME SPERM?"  Ok, I get that, but he also drives to work a half hour each way every day and is often out on the road during the day.  Whatever.  So this morning I'm trying to talk to him to get the best days for him (via text, of course, because this can't be vocally discussed while he's in the office), and he wanted me to schedule it for a time they're not open.  He got annoyed by that, of course.  I asked him if he wanted me to ask if he could "produce" his sample at home (my doc gave us cups for him to use) and then take it to the office.  He said I should ask which is best and then......I should ask if I can "visit" the office with him.

Um.  Ew.  I think that's a little weird, don't you think?  Both of us going into the "sample production" room?  Yikes.  I'm voting for him doing it at home.

But I think he's being a wimp.  And I told him so.  I mean, as my doctor said, if the worst thing he has to do throughout this process is, um, satisfy himself into a cup a couple times, is that really so terrible?

Men.  Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

I love it when song lyrics speak to me.

I just got the new Sugarland album today, and when this song came on, it literally stopped me in my tracks. I know it is meant to be for someone who got dumped and is trying to move on, but it definitely applies to someone like me, too. The album's pretty decent overall, but I think I like this song best.

Little Miss done on love,
Little Miss I give up,
Little Miss I'll get tough, don't you worry 'bout me anymore

Little Miss checkered dress,
Little Miss one big mess,
Little Miss I'll take less when I always knew so much more

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
Yeah, sometimes ya gotta lose 'til ya win,
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
It'll be alright again, it'll be alright again

I'm okay, It'll be alright again, I'm okay (okay) It'll be alright again, I'm okay

Little Miss do your best,
Little Miss never rest,
Little Miss, be my guest, I'll make more anytime it runs out

Little Miss you'll go far,
Little Miss hide your scars,
Little Miss who you are is so much more than you like to talk about

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
Yeah, sometimes ya gotta lose 'til ya win,
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
It'll be alright again, it'll be alright again,

I'm okay, It'll be alright again, I'm okay (okay) It'll be alright again, I'm okay

Hold on, hold on, you are loved, are loved

Little Miss brand new start,
Little Miss do your part,
Little Miss big ole heart beats wide open, she's ready now for love

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
Yeah, sometimes ya gotta lose 'til ya win,
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
It'll be alright again, it'll be alright again

I'm okay, It'll be alright again, I'm okay (okay) It'll be alright again, I'm okay,

It'll be alright again.

Here's my candle.

As I'm sure most of you know, today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

I'm sending up prayers and thoughts today for everyone who has lost someone.

I'm 4dpo and I'm so optimistic this cycle that it's scary.  I need to stop.

Part of me is optimistic because I totally knew when I was going to ovulate.  Month 2 of using OPKs and knowing what the readings really meant for my body allowed us to "hit the nail on the head," so to speak.

Part of me is optimistic because I am hoping that we're one of those couples that finally goes to the doctor and makes a plan for the future only to have to throw that plan out the window because the BFP finally shows up.

And lastly, I'm optimistic because I know how my luck works.  My college roommates' wedding, the one I'm supposed to be in, falls on June 25, 2010.  If, and that's a big if, this is the month, my EDD is July 1.  That means I would not be able to travel the four hours in the car each way to be in the wedding.  She's already told me that she's forecasting that I won't be able to be there.  The same thing would have happened had our first baby made it - only it would have been my sister's wedding that I would have missed.

I got pregnant last October, why not this one, too?

What the doctor said....

I am feeling more optimistic than I have in a while.

My doctor is so great.  She's so easy to talk to, she makes me feel like she genuinely cares and wants to help us, and most of all, she makes me feel NORMAL.

I gave her all of my charts, she looked them over, and she said that it looks like I'm ovulating pretty regularly, and even though I've had a bit of different in ovulation days and luteal phase length, they're nothing major.  She also said that as much as she hated to say it because she knows how I'd feel, it's a good sign that I DID get pregnant once, even if it didn't stick.

I told her about Grouper's issue....I think I've shared it here before.  I think.  One of his testicles never descended when he was a kid.  They had to remove it when he was like four.  They told his parents when he had the surgery that it would not impact his ability to have kids.   He's never had his sperm quality tested before though, so the more I think about it, the more I'm not so sure that everything's ok.  Anyway, when I told my doctor that, she said that even though I did get pregnant once, it definitely wouldn't hurt to get him tested...because as she said, "Even those with sperm quality issues can still shoot a winner every once in a while."  He is to give samples two different times, and I'll also be getting some tests done.  I'll have to go to her office to give blood on days 3 and 10 of my next cycle, and then again 5 days after I ovulate.  She said once we get all of those results, we'll decide what to do.  She said I may possibly have to have dye injected into my tubes to see if everything's clear or get a laproscopy to check for endometriosis, but she doesn't think that it'll get to that point.  She said if it is a sperm problem, she does the IUI at her office.  I was very relieved to hear that.  I love her so much and I'm so comfortable with her....it'll be nice to have her as my doctor for all of that. 

So it was a good appointment.  A good day.  Because now we have a plan.  We're getting somewhere, FINALLY.  And it feels great!

Getting nervous....

The day I've been waiting for for so long is finally here.

I leave for the doctor in 45 minutes.  I'm starting to get really nervous.

Grouper can't figure out why I'm nervous about this - he said, "She's a doctor.  She's there to help you.  You trust her. She'll help us figure out what to do next."

I said, "Well, this doctor's appointment could in fact alter the rest of our lives."  Yes, I know, I'm being dramatic, but it's kinda true.

Or she may just say, "Come back next week," or she might refer us to someone else.

I don't know.

I have my charts printed off and questions ready.  Wish me luck.  I'll be back to update later, I'm sure.

Two posts in a day is unheard of......

Good news.

I got a phone call from my doctor's office today.  My doctor is going to be out of the office on the day of my original appointment, so I got an earlier one.

I now go to the doctor on October 5th.....that's next Tuesday.

I am SO excited (and so nervous) to finally get to see her.  I hope that she will have some insight into what might be going on with me/us and we can get going on whatever we need to do next!

Maybe this will cure my baby fever for a bit.....

I doubt it will, but it's worth a shot.  I've never had a puppy this little before.  We don't get to bring her home for three more weeks, but I guess that once we do, we'll be up with her every hour at night to let her out. 

If nothing else, maybe it'll take my mind off of everything else. 

It's Pity Party Day....table for one, please.

CD 1.  Again.

I'm feeling very alone today.

Feeling helpless because it's obvious that we're not going to be able to do this without the help of a doctor, drugs, treatments (well, most likely a mixture of all of the above).

Another reason that I'm feeling so alone is that out of 28 TTC blogs that are on my list, all but three are now pregnant or have had their babies.

I'm happy for all of you who have been blessed.......SO HAPPY for you.  You all completely deserve it.

But I feel like the wallflower left in the corner.  The last kid picked for a game of dodgeball.  The runt of the litter that no one wants.  I can't help it, I just do.  I've been having a harder time saying, "Congratulations" and seeing belly pics and commenting on pregnancy blogs in the past few weeks.  Please don't take it personally.  It's just me dealing with my own demons.  I was supposed to get out of the environment we were in while living and Canada and relax (which I felt like I have) and then the last piece - me getting pregnant - was supposed to fall into place.  I've been home since late July.  That last piece is still missing.  And it gets harder for me to swallow the more time that goes by. 

Last night we had the yearly family discussion about how gifting will go for Christmas.  It's a huge production because there are 8 kids on Grouper's side of the family.  We were basically told (or I guess I should say, it was alluded to) that we are the ones who foul up the process they want to use because "we don't have kids."  Otherwise all the kids would just draw the name of one of their cousins.......but Grouper pitches a fit about that because we want to buy for our nieces and nephews, but they (being his siblings) don't feel like it's fair that we buy for all 8 when they aren't.  It's petty and stupid, of course, but it did nothing more to me last night than break off another piece of my heart and put another huge spotlight on the fact that we're infertile at the moment.  We're defective.  Thanks for the reminder.

On top of all of it, I had the worst nights' sleep of my life last night.......so I'm having AF symptoms, feeling sorry for myself, tired, and alone all day.  That's probably for the best.

I hearby apologize for the whining rant above.  But it has to be let out somewhere or I will explode.
October 12 is less than a month away.  We WILL get answers.  We WILL have a baby.

We WILL have a baby.

CD 12

Negative test this morning.

Yeah, it's early, but pretty sure I'm not KU.

Blech.

On to the doctor's office......I guess I'll start counting down the days to the appointment and make sure I have all of my "ammunition" ready.  Charts, questions, whatever.

I never thought our TTC journey would be like this.  I mean, I know mine isn't as bad as a lot of people's, but it's still hard and it still sucks.

A "Yikes" Moment that made me giggle.

I woke up this morning at around 7am.  Big deal, right?  So what?

When I woke up, my thermometer was still hanging out of my mouth from taking my temperature.  AN HOUR PREVIOUSLY.

Yeah, you know you've been TTC too long when something as ridiculous as that happens. 

I guess I'm just impressed with my coordination---and the fact that I didn't choke to death.  :)

I'm 6dpo on my last cycle before I see the doctor.  I'm feeling unbelievably calm....or maybe it's just me feeling numb, because I know at this point there's nothing else I can do this cycle.  I'm either pregnant or I'm not. 

I think we timed things about as well as we possibly could have.  FF originally gave me my O day as day 14, but I knew that wasn't right because I actually used OPKs this cycle.  Those little things are pretty neat, I must say.  I found it strange that I actually got a positive result two different days, because I didn't feel any different at all, except for the fact that I was extra hot for Grouper's bod one of those days...hehe.  We used Preseed on the two nights that I had positive OPKs, so I guess it's "away we go" from here.  Yes, I still look at my potential due dates on FF, and if I'm pregnant this cycle, my due date will be June 1.  I'm supposed to be in a wedding on June 25, so I figure it'll either happen this month or next. 

Random thing happened to me yesterday.....I am weird and take things like this as a sign.  I was in Grouper's new car and I was trying out the SYNC system (which is FANTASTIC, btw) and I said to play music from Glee.  The song that came on first was "You're Having My Baby."  I must admit I raised my eyebrows a bit.

Also, I almost outed myself as an "infertile" yesterday on Facebook.  Some chick I went to high school is pregnant with #3, and her status went something like this:  "Day 2 of nauseousness, headaches, and puking.  I LOVE being pregnant!"  Oh.Sweet.Lord.  I almost commented right back, but instead I just made my status something about how people should think before they speak or type their FB statuses, and of course one of my friends wanted me to elaborate, so I just said that I was tired of people acting like their lives were so horrible and that they had such BURDENS when what they consider to be a burden could be a huge blessing to another person.  I am sure some of my friends figured out what I was referring to.  Whatever.  I don't care anymore. 

Even if I don't get pregnant any time soon, I'm going to have a new "baby" for sure next month.  Our puppy was born last Tuesday, and we get to go pick her from the litter next weekend.  I am beyond excited!

Reality check

We bought a new car this week.

As we were sitting there with our salesman finalizing the deal, a lady walked in....she looked about 16-20 weeks pregnant. She handed our salesman some keys and he looked up with this look of complete love and said, "Thanks, sweetheart."

As she walked away, he told us that the lady we had just seen was his wife, and that she was working for the car dealership driving cars back and forth during her pregnancy since she was high-risk. He then said that they had lost three babies (the first one was a stillbirth at 7.5 months, followed by 2 miscarriages), so that it was very important that she took it easy.

Since I had this huge lump in my throat and had to stare at the floor to keep from crying, Grouper then said, "Wow, that's really rough. I'm sorry. We've been going through some of the same stuff ourselves, although not as extreme." That surprised me, in a way....I've never heard him mention any of our TTC issues to anyone other than me.

I immediately had to look down again to keep from tearing up. The salesman asked what happened, and Grouper told him that we had a loss last October and that we were still trying. The salesman told us the story of the loss of their son last summer and told us how they had just kept their faith and that eventually the love, support, and strength that they had for each other and in their marriage had pulled them through. He said they're obviously not out of the woods yet, but they keep as positive of an attitude as they can and take things day by day.

It was so refreshing and amazing to see the strength and positivity that just oozed out of this guy's every pore. It made me realize that we can do this, and even though things are hard now and could get harder, we still have each other. The rest will fall into place at some point.....I just have to remember that the time line isn't up to me.

It's on the calendar....

I had a really rough night last night (I'm home alone until tomorrow, y'all....that makes my mind wander before bed), and so after sitting in bed feeling bad for myself and wanting nothing more than to be pregnant (but hey, what else is new?), I woke up this morning and called my doctor.

My appointment is set for October 12th at 10:15am.  It is just my basic "yearly" visit, since it will have been a year since the MC by that time, but I am definitely taking all of my charts and I'm going to get everything out in the open with my doctor.  She's great, Grouper met her when I went to her for the MC (he went with me, how sweet) and he loves her, too.  She has really good bedside manner and I am completely comfortable when I talk to her.  It feels really good to have a date set on the calendar...something to work towards, I guess.

When I started AF on Monday, I was bummed (surprise), and as I mentioned in my previous post, I finally broke down and ordered OPKs and Pre.seed.  Those were the two things I swore I'd never do....but hey, IF does crazy things to us, yes, ladies?  I am actually semi-excited to try these things out.  And this month will be our "let's just see what happens" month, and next month, we're going to the doctor and getting down to business.

SO.....I want some advice, because I have no idea about preseed or OPKs or what to ask my doctor.  I have attempted to be as clueless as possible about those sorts of things, because hey, let's face it, I've been really busy trying to pretend we don't have issues for quite a while now.  Any advice is welcomed. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In other news, I met Tarah (aka Crossed Fingers) for dinner IN REAL LIFE last night.  We had a blast.  It wasn't that weird meeting someone I've never seen or spoken to on the phone, surprisingly...she's fun and great and cute and has the most adorable 13 week baby bump I've ever seen.  You know what else I found so refreshing about meeting her?  Pregnancy has made her very "zen...."   I never met her before, so I can't attest to how she was pre-baby, but oh my goodness, when I saw her face......the calmness, happiness, and joy just exuded from her pores.  I want that.  And I think that the best way to get it is to surround myself with people who have it....so watch out, T.....I'm going to hang with you every single day!  Hahaha. :)  Seriously, though....if you can find a friend that can "get" what you're going through IRL, I'd strongly suggest it.  It makes life so much easier!  :)  Thanks for the great date, Tarah!  Hope we can do it again soon!

CD 2

I have no clue what was going on with that last chart, but we're back to the drawing board....I can't really say I'm surprised.

I ordered preseed and a bunch of OPKs online yesterday.....this is my last ditch effort, then it's off to the doc in October.

18 DPO?!?!?!??!

I am totally puzzled by this chart. My temperature rarely stays as high as it's been for the past week and I still have no real signs of AF showing up. I have gotten way too excited too many times, and the fact that I've now taken three HPT's (including one of those stupid digital ones that smacks you in the face with the words, "NOT PREGNANT,") is becoming beyond confusing to me. The more I look at it now, the more I think maybe I didn't O until CD 22 or 23, but the not all of the signs match up. Who am I kidding, the signs don't match up anywhere. I keep thinking every morning when I wake up that my temp will take a complete nose dive, and it just keeps hovering.

So, what do you ladies think? Was it really day 12, where we have a bit of a chance, and I just am slow to show a positive (I really don't think so), was it day 22 or 23, where we also have a chance, or was it somewhere in between, where we absolutely have no chance outside of immaculate conception because Grouper was on a fishing trip for 8 days and I didn't see him?

Just when I thought I was somewhat regular.....BAM! Thanks, Mother Nature, you suck a big one rock.

Overwhelmed + Disappointed = MIA

My day did not start off well.  I got up at 4am, had to pee, so I went ahead and took my temp early (then took it again at normal time), and although it was still riding high (as it has been for the past few days), when I took a test, it came back negative again.  As I was sitting the bathroom, staring at the test on the floor, whispering, "Please God, Please God, Please....", only to have the damn test give me one line yet again, I couldn't help but thinking that it was a pretty pathetic scene that happens way too frequently.

Surprisingly, I went back to sleep and was woken up before 8 by my dog throwing up IN MY BED.  She had hopped up on Grouper's side when he got ready for work and apparently the contents of her stomach didn't want to stay in there.  So I had to get up, clean that up (not to mention the other 5 spots in the house where she threw up on her way outside), and then Grouper left for work.

So even though I still have a ton of stuff to do around the house (we're not settled in by any means), I am just totally bummed today.  I knew our chances to conceive this month were probably quite low, but when my chart starts doing promising things, I can't help but hope.  And now here I am at 15dpo, which never happens, and I'm still testing negative.  I am pretty sure that if I were pregnant, a BFP would have appeared by now. 

I still think last month was a chemical pregnancy.  I will never know for sure because I never tested, but my gut is telling me it was.  I am just tired of this roller coaster ride, and I know you've all heard this a million times before from me, but I'm scared to death of the next step.

Grouper's insurance will switch back over to the US as of next Friday, then I'm going to set appointments up.  I'm tired of waiting, waiting, waiting and always being disappointed.

I had a long talk with a former co-worker yesterday in Canada about IF when I was there to say goodbye.  She tried for 10 years to get pregnant, and she tried everything, including 6 IVFs that failed.  Finally, she decided to adopt and she said she was so happy that she did.  I felt better after talking to her and it was nice to speak face to face with someone who had been to hell and back and has come out happy.  She said that she thinks I'm handling this so well and that I have a great outlook and attitude--even better than the one she had when she was going through it.  I think that I'm just getting better at putting up a strong facade to everyone on the outside.  Inside, I feel weaker than ever.  I still have to leave the room any time I see my husband or father with a baby or toddler---I can't handle it.  I feel like I'm denying them of something they want so badly.  I still lose my breath every time I see a visibly pregnant woman.  And I still feel like there's no end in sight to all of this madness.

I'm all over the place

So I'm pretty sure that we have no shot this month because Grouper left for his fishing trip two days before I expected to ovulate.  We had one "last ditch" effort, and honestly, I didn't even think about baby-making during our little rendezvous, it was more about me saying goodbye to my husband since I won't see him for 10 days. 

The on the afternoon of the day that I said goodbye, I had the most EWCM that I've seen in a couple months.  I didn't find it exciting, I found it ironic.

Now my temps are all over the place. I have dotted lines for my crosshairs.  I have been traveling during these past few critical days and I've woken up to take my temperature and my thermometer has felt cold to the touch, and my temps have been low. 

FF has given me a O day of day 12 after I discarded today's super low temp (my thermometer was like an ice cube!), but it was previously on day 10, which makes ZERO sense, especially since my period lasted for 9 days this month.

As a sidenote, I seriously think that last month could have been a chemical pregnancy.   I never took a test because I started spotting the day my period was due, but (TMI alert, y'all) normally my period is super heavy the first two or three days and then is light for three or four more.  Last month, it was barely there for the first two days, and then on the third day, it was BEYOND heavy and I had the worst cramps ever.  On top of that, it lasted NINE days.  But I'll never know, because I didn't test. 

We're giving it a go on our own for 1 more month....then it's off to the doctor for us.....I can't stand this anymore.

If I see one more nonchalant, "yeah, we're expecting" FB status or read one more article about a pregnant celebrity who got pregnant "without even trying" or is having "fashion emergency" because of their new baby bump, I think I'm going to explode.

That's all.

Maybe the solution is that I need to just unplug from the computer for a couple days.

Bust.

I never bothered taking that test because my temperature started the "nose-dive" yesterday morning and fell even further today.  AF is here, even though so far it's just been light.

I am bummed, but I honestly can say that this time I really wasn't expecting anything different.

Next month we'll have *one shot* to get pregnant....Grouper leaves for his fishing trip (10 days in Northern Ontario without a cell phone..boo) on Aug 5th and it looks like I will most likely O around the 7th, so we'll say "farewell" in the biblical sense and see what happens. 

The month after that will most likely bring OPK sticks (eww) and the month after that we're going to the doctor.

Hey, if nothing else, we have a plan.

Do I dare???

My temp went back up a bit today, which I took as a good sign, I guess.  Then I overlayed this month (light blue) with two previous months, and now I'm not as excited.  There are no signs of spotting today, I am still really tired, and my eyes were dry again this morning.  It seems I have a more sensitive smell, too, but that could be because there are lots of different smells when there are people moving all of your stuff out of your house.  For example, right now, I smell stale smoke, rubber mats, cardboard boxes, and tape adhesive.  Yuck.  I've been sneezing a lot, too, but that could be because of all the dust that hides under furniture that hasn't been moved in three years.

I don't have any tests here...they're all under my bathroom counter in Michigan.  We're leaving tonight to go there for the weekend, so I'll test either later on tonight--if I can't handle the suspense--or first thing tomorrow morning.  I almost want to wait and see if my temperature does the obligatory dip.  I'm really REALLY nervous for some reason!

I just can't stop analyzing my chart--yet I still can't come to a conclusion. Grouper saw it this morning and said, "I hate your charts.  They're either a big fat no or a maybe, never a yes!"

Tell me about it.

CD 12

Still waiting, waiting, waiting. 

I'm just not really sure what to think this cycle.  I really really REALLY hope this is the cycle for us, because Grouper will for sure be gone during peak time next month, so that means that we'll basically have to take a month off.  I'm having some symptoms, but they're just the normal ones that I tend to have right before AF starts.  The one thing that is a bit different this month is that I've had SUPER dry eyes a few mornings when I got up.  I heard from a good friend that dry eyes can be an early sign of pregnancy.  I'm not holding my breath, though.  We're in the midst of our move (packers are coming within the hour), so I won't get to MI until Friday night.  I'm planning to take a test on Saturday morning if AF hasn't shown up by then.  My temps are seeming low to me...I do find it strange that I've had so many temps that are the exact same thing throughout this cycle....maybe that's a sign, too??   I was hoping today's temp would be higher than it was....that makes me think that I'm out. 

Crossing my fingers.....

Being "realistic" vs. being "negative"

When you've been TTC for as long as I have (yes, I realize it's been just over a year, it could be worse), it starts to become really difficult to recover after endless disappointing cycles when hopes have been riding high.

Lately I've just been telling myself, "I'm not pregnant," or, "we didn't time it too well this month," or, "I'm not going to get pregnant any time soon....why would I have any reason to think otherwise?"

Grouper says that my negative attitude probably isn't helping matters much...that I have to think positively in order to get good results.

Ha.  Easy for him to say.

I, on the other hand, don't think of my attitude as being negative, I think of it as being realistic....because for the past 13 months, that's been the reality--I've been unable to get pregnant (or when I did, I didn't stay pregnant).

Looking at this fact with a realistic perspective, in my opinion, is a hell of a lot easier than thinking that I'm pregnant every single month and getting all hopeful, only to crash and burn once my period shows up.

I told Grouper the other night that if I just automatically expect the worst to happen, maybe I'll eventually be pleasantly surprised and proven wrong.

I don't see that as negativity at all.....do you?

---------------
Post script:
I mentioned in this post on my other blog that we're FINALLY going to be moving back to Michigan in the next week and a half or so.  Since I've known that this is really going to happen -- which has been for about a week now-- I've had three different people come up to me and say something about how I look so well-rested or so refreshed or so relaxed or something along those lines.  People NEVER say that sort of thing to me...as a matter of fact, it's usually the opposite.  I'm often told how tired I look.  I'm taking that as a sign that the stress is finally on the way out of our lives.....and that can only lead to good things. It's like a weight has been lifted. Look at me....I was almost positive in those last couple sentences!  :)

I'm at 6dpo right now, and as I suspected, FF finally moved my CH to day 15.  We'll see where this cycle takes us.  In the meantime, excuse me while I move back to the U.S.  :) 

Spike

This chart is totally messed up.  The hot weather is really giving me fits with trying to chart my temps.  And last night I had a few glasses of wine at a BBQ (yeah, I know I probably shouldn't have, but I haven't had any reason lately--you know, like in the last nine months--to think that I am pregnant, so I'm trying to enjoy my summer and my last few social gatherings here in Canada).  When we came home, we forgot to turn the fan on and Grouper woke up at 3am sweating and turned it on, so I think wine + no fan led to the big spike. 

FF is saying I O'ed on day 12...I don't believe that.  I think it was on day 15 again, but I can't be sure, of course.  Once we're done traveling so much, I'm going to finally break down and get some OPKs, I think.  Maybe next month....we'll see.

We timed our extra-curriculars pretty well this month, but I don't really think that I'm pregnant.  I've become quite the pessimist--I'm afraid to be excited or hopeful because I'm tired of being let down.  With that said, I am SO tired today (even though I got at least 10 hours' sleep on Friday and Saturday nights and 8 hours last night) and I'm starving all the time.  It's too early for symptoms, I tell myself.  I won't have them anyway because I'm not pregnant. 

As most of you know, the conversations you have with yourself after this many months of TTC can get quite interesting.

Numb.

My first due date has come and gone.  I haven't cried.  I'm just numb to it, honestly.

I get a pang of longing/jealousy in my heart every time I see a woman out in public who is visibly getting close to her due date, but that's become the norm now.  It's manageable.

I've become a "cheerleader" of sorts for my friends in the bloggy world that are getting their BFPs and progressing through their pregnancies....and that feels good.  The joy that jumps out of the computer screen at me when I read their excited posts and the happiness in their faces as they hold their growing bellies makes my heart happy, surprisingly.  Yes, I have my bad days, but when I see that it is possible to have a healthy pregnancy after IF and miscarriages, it's so refreshing and I hope that it will be my turn sometime soon.

I will say that I have had a great summer so far.  My sister's wedding was awesome (and it was even MORE enjoyable since I was able to enjoy adult beverages), and I had a great 4th of July holiday with my family.

One thing that came out last weekend that was very unexpected but very welcomed was the fact that my mom and I had our first talk about our TTC issues.  I've mentioned it here before, but my mom and dad struggled with 9 years of infertility (my mom got her BFP with me just days before their last scheduled home visit from an adoption agency) and my mom was so affected by it that she never really opened up to me about it.  I don't remember how we started talking about it, I think she was curious as to what our next step is if we continue to get BFNs, so I told her what's going on and that we're most likely going to wait until we're moved back and settled and it's been a year since my first pregnancy, and if we're still at square 1 by then, we'll go to a specialist.

I did tell my mom that I am really scared of what the doctors might say to us because I'm terrified of the thought of IUIs and IVF.  I am concerned about the stress that they cause, not to mention the cost and the fact that then I could have multiple children with serious health issues (not that I don't want multiples, but I don't want to be Octomom, either, you know?  There's gotta be a happy medium).  The way I look at it is, if it gets to that point with us and our IF journey, we would most likely choose to look into adoption - we could provide a loving home for a child who is already here that may otherwise not have the opportunity.

Anyway, it was the best talk we've ever had.  She said she's really concerned about me being consumed by the stresses of infertility because it happened to her and it was one of the most difficult things that she's ever been through.  A sense of relief washed over me afterwards....I guess it took some pressure off.  I know my mom and dad are very understanding and would never want me and Grouper to feel like they were pressuring us to have a grandchild, and after our talk, I realize that they can totally relate and that they won't bring it up unless we want to talk about it.  That's a nice feeling.

In depressing news, I had two "are you expecting?" type comments this week (someone might as well have stabbed me in the heart), and I had a friend from HS who asked me when we were going to have kids in a Facebook message.  When I tried to deflect the question, she wrote back, "What exactly does that mean?", so I let her have it.  I told her everything.  How we've been trying for 13 months and we had a miscarriage almost nine months ago and now nothing's happening and it's very hard and frustrating.  Her response?  Nothing.  Not a damn word.  I was pissed.  I mean, if she was nosy enough to ask, she should at least have enough respect to respond to my answer.  And I know she got the message because she's been online since.  Whatever.  Oh, did I mention she's currently pregnant with child #3?  Yes.  Sigh.

Oh well.  It is what it is.  I should be ovulating on Friday or Saturday.  Hopefully we'll get a good result.  If not, life goes on. 

A day of silence, in his honor.....

FF is a MindF.

Who am I kidding when I say that I'm trying not to think about the 2ww or how badly I want to be pregnant before my shoulda-been due date.  (Do I sound like a broken record yet?  Sorry about that.)

I did a fine job of not really thinking about timing our "extra curriculars" this month...we just did what we wanted when we wanted, which is how we got pregnant the first time.  But now that I'm inching ever closer to the dreaded CD 28, I can't help but look at my chart multiple times a day and compare it to my other charts and charts that resulted in pregnancy on Fertility Friend.  Even though I'm not tracking any symptoms this month besides CM and when we travel (in case my temps are affected), I've still got 49 points out of 100 on the early pregnancy signs chart.  (just one more reason I decided to give in and compare my chart).

Big. Fat. Mistake.  When I filtered for charts resulting in pregnancy that matched my O day, BD patterns, and post O temps, out of all the charts in the FF gallery, only ONE result was returned and it wasn't even that close to mine.  When I took out the O day, I got a whopping 4 results, and three of them were people that had been TTC for 3 months or less (lucky biotches). 

That kinda takes the wind out of my sails.  I wasn't feeling super positive this cycle, but I wasn't feeling negative, either.  My temps are too inconclusive right now to tell me anything, really. 

Now I feel like that damn elephant that I wanna be just stomped on my heart.

Unfair.

I've mentioned this before, but as the time draws nearer, I tend to think more and more about the fact that in a perfect world, I'd be at the end of my third trimester...heck, I might have even had the baby by now.

I'd be nesting and crazy and complaining about my cankles (oh wait, I do that now.....)

But, alas, no. The baby is gone and I'm still not pregnant. I mean, yeah, I could be right now, but I won't know for sure until at least the end of this week, and I just have a feeling that I'm not.

That just really REALLY sucks. And life is so unfair. And sometimes I'm so, so, so angry.

But as we all know, bad things happen to good people. And losses happen every day, as terrible as that is. Sometimes quickly, and sometimes after long, hard, fights.

I hope that I someday have the strength and grace to handle our loss the way that Megan and Brent are handling theirs. And as my friend Ali so gracefully put it on her blog, "Heaven gained an angel and his name is Cohen." Please pray for Megan and Brent and their family.

And I'm not trying to be selfish here, but throw a little prayer in for me, too.

The Power of Positive Thinking and Prayer

I dont't know if you've been following Megan's blog, most of you probably do, but if you don't, please go check it out.

After a long struggle with PCOS, Megan finally became pregnant with Cohen, and about midway through her pregnancy, she and her husband were given the devastating news that Cohen would have a long, hard road ahead of him due to some pretty serious heart defects.

Cohen was born last Monday. 

He's been fighting so hard ever since.

So many people are sending positive vibes on a daily basis.

Please, join me in praying for Cohen. (I have the button on the right side of my blog if you want it).

Here's a link to the blog where you can send the love.

MIA

I've been a bit MIA around this lil' ol' blog because I'm kinda trying to forget that we're TTC this month. I mean, not that I could truly forget, but I am doing the absolute bare minimum in that department this month. I'm taking my temperature just for continuity's sake, but I take it each morning, input it into FF first thing, and then I forget about it. I don't even know what cycle day I'm on right now, can you believe it? I am also tracking girly fluids a bit, but I'm honestly not even paying too much attention to that....if something "screams" blatantly at me, I will definitely take notice, but I'm kinda enjoying hanging with family and friends (we had a family wedding last week, it's my anniversary weekend this coming weekend, and my sister gets hitched in two weeks) and it's been nice to be carefree through it all. I'm sure I'll change my tune at some point this cycle, but for now, it feels good. Grouper and I do that thing married people do when we want, we don't when we don't. No scheduling or timing this month...it was pretty sad when I realized we were having less sex while trying to have a baby than we were when we weren't.

If we get a big surprise this month, that will be awesome...if we don't, well, we don't. There's not too much else I can do about it. I must say that I'm pretty excited that I'm going to be able to indulge in some adult beverages for my sister's wedding.

We've decided we'll think about the next steps when we get moved back and settled--hopefully I'll be pregnant by then and it won't be necessary.

Wow.

I love it when celebs go public.  Here is Constance Marie's story of her struggles with IF.

The best part of the story is that there's a happy ending!

Maybe I'm a pachyderm.

A pachyderm, according to wikipedia, is a thick-skinned animal (and God knows you need thick skin to deal with all this TTC bullschuester).  I have a new theory as to what my issue is.

I'm an elephant.

Yeah, that's right, a big fat elephant.

I look a lot like this one that "hid" from me at the zoo.

That's what I feel like doing a lot of the time....hiding.

Hiding from the pain of a miscarriage and month after month of negative pregnancy tests, hiding the truth from people, and hiding the fact that I'm worried we have "issues" with our ability to conceive a child.

And what really sucks is that elephants don't forget.

But see, there's yet another reason why I am comparing myself to an elephant. 

Elephants have a gestation period of 22 months.

I've got a whole theory worked out here, so stay with me....At this rate, that's how long it's going to take us from start to finish to get a baby (we're already on month 12 of TTC counting the MC blip, so say I get pregnant within the next two cycles, that adds 9-10 more months, which equals:

22 MONTHS.

I'm a freak brilliant, right?

RIGHT?

Can you see the worried look on my face?  I'd better tell Grouper to get his "trunk" a'movin!  Time's a'wastin!  :)

Yep, that's right, I'm worried.  And if this doesn't work out soon, I'm going to morph into this pissed off ostrich and kick anything that comes near me.

With the force of 800 pounds per square inch, bitches.

Disappointed yet again.

WTF is up with my body? I've said it before--cycles with BFNs are always hard, but cycles where your body and FF are basically telling you that you're pregnant (hello, I had 82 points out of 100 on the early pregnancy estimator this month), you have nothing but positivity and good feeling the entire month, and you STILL get a f-ing negative and a visit from that bitch AF are almost unbearable.

I waited until Thursday evening to take a test because I was waiting to be able to tell the Grouper the good news after not seeing him for 5 days. I waited till I got to the house here in Michigan, and had nothing but good feelings, and then when that BFN showed up, all the life just drained out of me. I can't even cry about it anymore. I haven't cried yet. It's just a total feeling of emptiness, defeat, and like I'm totally dysfunctional.

I want to quit trying. I want to stop taking temps, tracking cm, symptoms, all of it, but I'm starting to get the inkling that maybe we have real issues, and it's not going to do me any good at this point to stop tracking my temps and cm, so I'm going to keep doing that, but as for tracking symptoms and marking them down every day and paying attention to all that other BS, I'm done. I can't handle it. It always seems to result in disappointment and I'm tired of being a moping bitch every 28-30 days after yet another let down.

I just want to be a mom....why does that have to be so difficult? Seriously. It sucks.

The worst part about all of it is that all I really want is to be pregnant again before my "due date" rolls around. I was supposed to be due with the baby we lost on July 8. If I'm not pregnant by then.........I don't even want to think about how shitty I'm going to feel. And this upcoming cycle is basically our last chance for that to happen.

Cautiously hopeful.....

So, this chart is still looking better than any of the other charts I've had to date.  A little wind was taken out of my sails when my temp went down again this morning, but I guess I'm still above my coverline, so I should be thankful about that.  I'm having a few symptoms, but nothing super annoying (well, Grouper might say differently if you asked him...I am trying my best to blame my gassiness on the dog, but hey, he's gone on business for the rest of the week and I have the house to myself, so WHATEVER!) and I am still afraid to be excited, but I am REALLY feeling good about this chart.  Leslie commented the other day that some women just "know," and I'm almost thinking that maybe this is the one.  I don't want to come right out and say, yeah, I know I am, because I'm scared to death to be wrong, but I'm very optimistic.  I just feel very "zen" this month, which is something new for me, and I kinda like it.  I'm not completely over my OCD about this whole thing, though...I just plugged in my top 4 symptoms from days 4-10dpo into FF and 63% of charts with my top 4 symptoms resulted in pregnancy......eek!

Since Grouper is on business, he has made me promise that I won't tell him if I'm pregnant til I see him in person, which isn't until Thursday evening.  I was thinking of testing tomorrow because I'll be 11dpo, but if I test and it's positive, I won't be able to contain myself and I'd want to tell him right away, so I think I'm going to wait until I see him to take a test.  I'm sure my temperature will tell me one way or another before I see him. These next couple days are going to crawl by, I'm sure.

Dip me!

So, I got my big 1/2 degree dip this morning.  I am in complete disbelief as to how good this chart looks.  It is almost scary.  I want to be excited, I want to test RIGHT NOW, but the earliest I can test will be Tuesday, and even then, I'm afraid of a BFN.  I'm even trying to talk myself out of how good this chart looks....we always have the ceiling fan on in our bedroom, but last night we changed it from the winter setting to the summer setting and had it one level higher than we normally have it.  When I shared my concern with Grouper, he said, "There's no way that little change could make your temp change a 1/2 degree."  I hope he's right.

I am hoping that my temp jumps right back up tomorrow.

I really REALLY want to believe that this is my cycle.

On the up and up

My temperature has risen significantly over the past five days.  It's gone up almost the same amount every day and more consistently than it has in any of my previous charts. I take that as a positive thing.....hopefully it will result in a BFP.  I'm trying my best to have a positive attitude but not let myself get caught up in overanalyzing every little potential symptom.

I'm also trying to eat healthier and exercise more.  I've been writing down everything I've been eating for the past 3 weeks.  I've lost 4 pounds and I hope to lose more.

Based on our babymaking activities over the fertile week, I think we did the best we could do in that department and I'm doing my best to just let it go and live my life until I know one way or the other.  At this point, there's really nothing else we can do.

I can't wait until I am close enough to AF to test......as much as I try to let it go, I can't help but wonder.